Thursday, June 30, 2011

I'm alive!

I am certainly not dead.
Now... this is awkward. I finally got internet access again and it's hard to start this up again. It's like losing touch with a friend, and trying to start that first conversation again after a few years. What are you supposed to say?

First things first, we moved! Finally got our own place to be the crazy freaks we are. We haven't fully started getting into ttwd because we haven't had much time. We've been organizing, unpacking, buying normal everyday supplies and my favorite, finding free things on craigslist to start our new home off right. :) We are still looking for simple things like a couch, and a dining table but I'm sure we'll get those soon.

Now that we moved the boss, my Master, says things are going to start changing around here. Target shopping is now implement shopping and I got my first wooden spoon. It's extremely thick, and made out of bamboo and I've only gotten 'tester' swats and it hurts BAD! It's the first time where he just has to mention it and I'll drop my attitude, I kinda like the affect it has on me but I definitely do NOT want to get punished with it.

I still have never been punished, punished properly. I'm nervous. This place echos. I'm afraid someone will hear. It makes me nervous. I don't want.

I'll be updating a lot more frequently now that I have internet access. It's good to be back. :) I'll also let you know about any updates in our household, C will be writing a syllabus soon and I'm entering How to be a Slave 101 soon. Wish me luck!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Point of No Return; Part 2

I stayed quiet here. When he's stern, he's stern and there is no breaking through to him ESPECIALLY when there's another person there. I felt shy, hurt and confused. I sat there obediently until he got done, but I just had it on the walk to the car and fully showed him how I felt.

"Why didn't you just text me!? I knew you were mad, but to make me think that you might have gone home without me, or might have gone out to spite me! Or worst.... something might have happened to you! It's not hard to send me a text, I have to do it every hour and I manage!"

Still silent from his end. While walking to his car I flinched really bad, I thought he was going to hit me. I mean, the way I was talking he should have. I kept yelling and putting him down, but he refrained from abusing me. He told me that he would never strike me out of anger and I'm so fortunate that he has so much self-control.

He opens my door, I get in and he slams the door. I sit there still. We drive home, I remain quiet.

 Calmly, he finally starts talking.
"When I call you, I expect you to answer. I expect you to drop what you're doing and.."

"But I can't!! I can't just drop everything for you all the time. It's rude! What if you were in a movie, would you really just get up and answer my call?! Would you now?!" *I was rushing at him full speed*

"QUIET. I'm not finished."
"Do you honestly expect me to just stop EVERYTHING I'm doing so we can do the bullshit, I miss you, I love you, couple talk?! It's not like you ever have anything to say to me anyways!!"

"I SAID QUIET! 10 minutes of silent from you. I don't want to hear a word out of you!"

I put my head down and shut the hell up.

"Why is it so hard for you to understand that it doesn't matter if I have nothing to say to you, but I should be your top priority even when you're out with friends!"

"But..." *the look was enough and I bowed my head back down*

"Yes, if I was in a movie I would drop everything to answer your call. The movie is not as important to me as you are." 

That's when it hit me, it's the principle of it all. That game, was definitely not that important but at that moment I treated it like it was the only thing that mattered to me, as if I couldn't care less about him. 

"I'm not good with relationships... I'm not good with being submissive... I'm not cut out for this... :( I can't be expected to drop everything and talk to you."

I didn't know what to say. He deserves someone so much better, he tries so hard and I try so hard to walk all over him, find an escape and be a total brat. I also have a tendency of telling him that he holds me back from doing so much. That it's because of him I never have fun with my friends anymore and that I miss those experiences.

"Do you want to be a normal relationship?"

"No.. it's too late for that, we should have started that way though." :/


Now, I was over fighting. I was done raising my voice but he was quiet, and still thinking about the whole situation.

"Meow.. can we please go inside?"

No response. I could tell how much tension was still inside him. I get over things so quickly, maybe it's because I don't process them as deeply as I should, but I hate staying mad at him, or him staying mad at me for that matter. I tried again.

"Can we please go inside... meow, meow. I'm tired, I want to get comfy."

Still no response. This frustrated me beyond belief.

"CAN YOU PLEASE TALK TO ME!? I hate this, I always get over something and then you always frustrate me again and put me back in the same position where I'm mad at you again. UGH. Just talk to me, I always tell you exactly what's on MY mind, why can't you?"

"You think it's so easy because it comes natural for you. It's hard for me to share what's on my mind, so no. We're not going inside until we figure everything out."

"We?! I've figured everything out, this is all YOU. Now stop dragging me into your misery! This is not fair, I want to go!! Uggh. Just let me go inside, you can stay out here and drown in your thoughts if you please but I'm not going to sit here and watch you do it."

Silence for a few beats, broken by soft words from his mouth.

"I don't think you're ready.."

"Ready for what..?" Where did that come from?

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship."

That's when the tears started flooding, the damn was not strong enough to hold back the ocean.

"I can't be here..."

I jumped out of the car, trying so hard to hide the fact that I was crying uncontrollably and found a step to sit down on where I could just cry my thoughts through. I kept thinking that maybe he's right, I always knew that I was never meant to find someone, that I was never going to be ready to be in a relationship because I'm too selfish with my own life to share it with someone else. I knew that I didn't deserve him. I knew that I was going to miss out on those drunk times with friends, those times where I could have been arrested, raped or even killed. I knew life was no longer going to be so easy, that I was going to have to do good in school, going to have to start cleaning and becoming more responsible. I knew that being with him meant that I was to grow up, am I ready to grow up?

These thoughts were flooding in at the speed of light and they kept making me cry heavier and heavier. I got to a point where I realized not only how much I needed him, but how much I wanted him also. I would give up all the stupidity to be with him. Yes, I might have given up those best years of your life where you don't have any responsibilities, but is it really for my own good? I realized this in my tears just as Chris started walking over to me. I could feel him, even before he touched me and I felt more at ease. I could feel his love from a few feet away. This is why it is so hard for me, I am truly in love with this man.

He sat next to me, pulled me over and lyed my head down on his shoulder and pet my head. We sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything. As he held me close to him I started sobbing again, the love was almost overpowering, overwhelming and at that moment I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I found someone who loves me more than anything, and I could feel that love without words.

I stopped crying and broke the silence.
"I'm sorry. I love you. I don't just need you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and the thought without you..." I started crying again.

"Don't worry kitty, I love you too. There isn't going to be an end for us, I just feel bad that I'm holding you back from allowing you to do the things you want."

"But those things aren't the important things! You are important, our future together is important... :("

"I love you kitten, and that will never change. You're mine, that will never change."

We continued to sit on the steps in silence, comfortable as ever and went inside feeling more in love with each other and realizing that we have reached the point of no return.

"Am I still in trouble?"

"Yes my kitten."

".. Didn't I go through enough?"

"Your butt has not."


Saturday, June 11, 2011

The Point of No Return; Part 1

I'm not a relationship kind of person. I think I'm too selfish, or I'm not used to having to discuss plans with another person. When I want something, I go for it and I don't normally spend time thinking about whether or not it would work out for the people around me. This is after all, MY life, and I know this is a really bad way of looking at life, but I've concluded that I'm a selfish person and I need to allow Chris to guide me, stop controlling everything, let go of the steering wheel and enjoy the ride for once.

Last night Chris and I got into one of our biggest fights we have ever gotten into. It ended with me getting out of his car, and sobbing breathlessly on the steps to his place. I haven't cried that much in a long time, it is one of those cries where you cry so fast that you have a difficult time breathing and it is almost impossible to stop. 

Like any other Friday night, Chris had work from about 5pm-2am (at least what is supposed to be 2am, ended getting off around 3:30am) and I was out with friends. Ever since I started dating Chris I gave up a lot of my friends because lets face it, my friends are dicks who treat me like shit and I used to enjoy that kind of attention. Chris certainly does not want me hanging out with people who disrespect me, and I respect that so I stopped seeing friends period, for the most part.

Last night I hung out with my good friends, the ones I was really close to before I discovered partying and alcohol (I didn't have my first sip of alcohol until I was 18, but during my 18th year I basically lost everyone close to me and decided that partying was the best thing in the world, I was a lost kitten). I realized last night how much I missed that group of people, the group of people you can genuinely have a great time with without any alcohol involved, it was the first time I have had that much fun in a really, really long time. We played a board game called Settlers of Catan, it's a German game. And trust me, check it out (it might be confusing if you don't have anyone to explain it to you though..)

Now, the issue was clearly not me having fun, Chris is really glad I got to go out with my friends and was able to have a good time because I haven't been able to go out very often since we started dating. The issue now was how involved I get when I'm with friends, so involved to the point where I forget that I even have a Master who loves me.

He called me during his break; he doesn't get much time to talk to me while at work so he called me when he could. 

"Hey kitty, what are you up to? I really miss you!"

"I miss you too meow, meow! :) I'm still close, just with my friends talking."

"That's good, I'm on my break right now. I love you."

":) Meow! Love you too. I can't talk though, talking to my friends!"


So that was our first conversation of the night and as you can tell I completely shut him down. The next text I got was: "You've been with them for hours now but you can't take 10 minutes to talk to me. Master isn't happy with the way you treat situations. Bad kitten."

I HATE hearing bad kitten. I feel like I've disappointed him and that is the worst feeling of all. At the time I felt like he was being a little too needy, I mean, I live with the guy. We are inseparable. So why can't I be with friends and pay attention to only them for the 10 hours while we're away?

I said I was sorry through text, but I obviously didn't really mean it. I thought I was right, I feel rude removing myself from my friends to talk on the phone, it's just not something I do.

I text him every hour, it's a rule we have so he knows where I am at all times and how I am. Most of the time he doesn't respond because he's working but he does read all of the texts and it shows I have not forgotten about him. I'm actually really good at texting him on the hour, I do love the man so I do love telling him what I'm doing because I always want him to join in and be a part of the fun!

I did text him every hour, I'm good at that. Now, at around 12:30 (right when the store closes so he about 5 minutes to give me a call) I was in the middle of a really intense game of Settlers of Catan. Now, if you've ever played the game you would know how intense that game can get and it's really hard to peel your way from game, at least for me, because you can't miss out on anything. 

"Hey kitten, how are you? I've missed you. Work has been a nightmare."

"Hiii! Missed you too, gotta go, playing game!"

So he hung up. I continued texting him every hour like a good kitten and didn't even realize that he might be mad at me yet. Two of the same offenses in one night, it showed that I really didn't care if he needed or wanted to talk to me, it showed that I probably didn't miss him (which I did, I wish he was there playing with us), and it was just disrespectful the way I cut him off.

He was supposed to pick me up after work. It was nearing 2am so I began calling him off the hook, no answers. Started texting him like crazy asking him where he is, no answers. I started freaking out a bit. My friends kept questioning me where he was, and I was as clueless as they were. Me, being me, started thinking of the absolute worst. We do live in a city of sin, and who knows what could have happened. I asked a friend for a ride to his work, and to my luck (and surprise) I found him there. You can only imagine how unhappy I was for not getting a simple text telling me he was alive. It really frightened me because he is not one to not respond to my calls; it’s out of his nature.

They unlocked the door.

"It would've been nice if you answered your phone." (With as much attitude as I could produce in front of his coworker, crossed a line? I hope so.)


"Be quiet and sit down. I'm working."

*I sit*

To be Continued....

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Bottoms Unite

I can feel a tornado boiling inside me.
I want to scream. I want to run. Yet at the same time I don't want to do anything.
I just want to coil up into a ball and sleep. Sleep and wake up when all the stress is over.

I have two more finals left. 6 more days to find a place to live. And 100% out of fuel at this point. I honestly don't know how to get out of this rut, Chris is busy packing and organizing and asks me for help but I'm so consumed in my own stress level that I can't seem to lift a finger and help out. Everything is overwhelming. It's hot and stuffy, but I'm not willing to do anything to make a change. What the heck is wrong with me?!

Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone I knew who was submissive, who has been going through similar situations that I have been going through. I'm so glad I started blogging because I have a place to vent, and all the comments are really encouraging and comforting. I love not feeling alone on this journey, but sometimes I wish for something more. Someone to talk to, be friends with, have sleepovers with and not turn bright whenever discipline, or the word spanking comes up.

I know I'm very very new to this blogging world, but I think that we all need support from other submissives out there. So I'm making this blog so we can all come together, and talk every now and then as women serving their partners with the respect they deserve, and gently (although extremely painful) allowing our partners to guide us to make us the best person we can be. Anyone have aim? *blush*

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Be Careful What You Wish For (AKA My "First" Spanking)

It seems to me that a blog with this title is required when you're a submissive girl looking for someone who is strong enough to keep you in track. I, unlike most submissive women, can not control my tongue. I am very good at expressing exactly how I feel about every situation, and for some reason I have no problem testing Chris' authority. Chris and I are night owls, it's one of the many reasons why we get along so well. The two of us have no problems staying up until the sun comes up and sleeping the day away. However recently, it has really been bothering me. I feel as if I'm wasting my life and I'm done with getting nothing accomplished.

So last night, at 6am without any sleep yet, we had an open discussion about kicking our new lifestyle into full gear. I expressed how I felt about staying up so late, and also openly told him that he lets me walk all over him. I don't know if I did the right thing or completely stepped out of line. We talked for about an hour and then he had to get something done at work (the boy doesn't require sleep, I envy him). So I fell asleep and woke up to a message, about an essay long, of what is expected of me daily. Umm... what?! I don't know whether to get excited or hide with my tail between my legs!

It is necessary for me now to say please, and thank you while asking for something (along with a meow, something we do), and it is now my responsibility to ask him for ANYTHING. And I mean anything. This includes getting out of bed, getting out of the car, ect. It shows that I have handed him my control. Now today, I somewhat treated it like any other day, I mean, I didn't know if he was fully serious or just playing the part of HOH. So of course I sassed him and was sarcastic at times, which he didn't appreciate at all. I also expressed a lack of patience, which we've been working on for a while. We had delicious BBQ Korean food and went home to find his brother absent.

Now, normally we would just go about our day and ignore the fact that we were alone. But today, he took full advantage of his brother not being there. Ever since we started dating, there has been a rule for me to get naked after midnight, I sleep naked next to him (I love skin against skin so I don't mind). But today upon walking in the front door he told me to "get naked early".

Now, I knew I had been bad. He had given me a few strikes while we were out, but I thought nothing of it. I've been way worst in the past and nothing had happened. Regardless, I did what I was told, stripped and went under the covers to wait for him. As soon as he walked in the door, he reached out for my hand, lifted me from the bed, turned me to face away from him without saying a thing, and pushed me back down on the bed.

 Chris has spanked me a few times, but it often left me disappointed and it made me question whether or not he could handle spanking me properly. After tonight, I know am sure that he is 100% capable, I can even tell that I got away easy tonight. He had me positioned in 'cow pose' (for those of you who do yoga), or as more people know it as on my hands and knees, back arched, looking straight ahead or up. He even generously held my hair back for me to stay in position and to keep my back arched. I don't know about you, but I HATE that position. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable and unstable.

He started spanking my naked bottom with his hand, hitting the left side WAY more times than the right. During the "maintenance" spanking that I had before, he didn't keep a constant speed, he would say something, smack me awkwardly a few times, and then stop within a minute. This time it came full throttle. He was merciless (or so it felt), and used his hand to make a good first impression. After the quick warm-up with his hand, he took my plastic hair brush (we don't have any implements yet). Luckily it was plastic, so I don't think it hurt as much as something wooden, but he still made it hurt. I kept buckling and folding over, he managed to hit the same exact spot over and over again. I wanted to fight it, I would allow myself to fall over and look at him with the puppy eyes that he can't resist, but it did not work. His only words were: "Get back in position".

He spanked me until I recalled everything that he had written on the list, switching off between the hair brush and his hand in no particular order What is it about not being able to think or speak while being spanked?! It makes it really hard to remember rules. Ugh. I did say the key ones though to the point where he was satisfied. I thought that was it, but instead I hear: "Count out 20 for me, and say 'I will obey' after each stroke and if you move I'm adding 5".

What happened to the boyfriend who let me have my way with everything? It would be nice if he came out at a time like this! He alternated sides, I counted all 20 and surprisingly didn't get the 5 added, but did ask for a break that was not granted after the 10. After the spanking I stayed in position until he told me I could get out. I basically flopped over, I had no energy anymore. I did not cry, but some of the hits made me want to. I think I'm too stubborn to show that it hurts me that much. He cuddled me right after and told me he loved me, and I felt so warm inside. I felt so much love in his touch, the man in my life cares so much about me that he's willing to spank me for my own good, what more can I ask for?

I don't normally like sex (I lost my virginity to him not too long ago), but this wasn't sex. He made love to me, and my endorphins were so high that for the first time I didn't feel the same uncomfortable feeling I usually feel. I love him. It was only about 9pm and I fell asleep in his arms.

Because of this nap of mine I am breaking 2 of my new rules. One, it's now 4:39am and I'm supposed to be asleep by 3am every night, no later, and two, I was to finish my paper before the due DATE (not due time) so before midnight and I woke up at 1am from my nap. Paper is now done, so hopefully he is forgiving because I did take a nap. He's asleep next to me but I'm about to wake him (not annoyingly this time) so I can tell him I love him. :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Let's Be Exclusive

I hate the word boyfriend. When I'm around friends I usually do say my boyfriend (and I have said it here on this blog) but the word just seems so replaceable. Chris is much more than my "boyfriend", he's my caretaker, my lover, my partner, my Master, my best friend, my backbone (at times). I don't ever enjoy rushing into relationships, but to be 100% honest, I feel as if sometimes he were my husband.

Chris and I have lived together even before we started dating. It's actually a pretty complicated scenario. The two of us started our relationship completely backwards but I think we've finally caught up with all the baby steps that usually happen in the first few months. Today it has only been 4 months since we officially got together, and I feel so stupid sometimes for saying this because 4 months isn't a long time at all, but I think I'm just not the dating type. I've had my fair share of meaningless hookups* (that I do regret now that I look back on it), and the minute I started crashing at Chris' house I knew he was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. DON'T ask how, I ask myself that question all the time and I think I'm over it and accepting I found someone. :)

Chris and I started as coworkers at a Pinkberry (a chain frozen yogurt shop that started in CA). We didn't work much together, but during winter break this year I started going over to his house a lot with another coworker for some laid back fun. Since there would be a few beers involved, C could not drive me home so I would sleep on the couch downstairs (his brother at the time was working in NY, I miss those times).

One morning, I can never forget this moment, we both had work at 9am (after a nice night of drinking and games), and so I walked up to his room at 8:30am to wake him. But since I was still groggy and tired I ended up lying next to him for the first time. The second I laid down, he wrapped his arms around me and something just clicked. I have never in my life fitted so comfortably against someone. Something just sparked. It wasn't until a couple of weeks after that we had our first kiss. He asked me out, about a week after our first kiss and I actually rejected him at first. It took another week for me to come back to him and tell him that "I want to be exclusive". And yes, I used the word exclusive, he STILL makes fun of me for that!

I don't know what happened to be honest. After that day I laid down next to him, every night after that I slept in his bed. And I have slept in his bed ever since with 2 exceptions (I went to Vegas with my uncle for 2 days, and I slept over my best friends house because she was having personal problems), but basically what I'm trying to say is, not sleeping beside him is nearly impossible.

This catches me all up to talk about last night. I'm not sure how we started fighting, I think it was a tiny disagreement (we are different people after all), and since we're at the point in our relationship where I know him so well, I'm able to push buttons that should NEVER be pushed.

This little argument turned into a fight about his authority, and how I don't follow it. And I stupidly turned it around by basically telling him that he doesn't have much authority because his life is currently a mess (I didn't actually mean that, I respect him so much but sometimes it is hard to listen because I'm used to things being my way, and only my way). A sub would know that this would not fly well with their partners, you can't tell the HOH he's not in control. Big no-no.

We're still living with no privacy, so no spanking, or no proving his authority is really possible (unless we missed something in the DD handbook). So instead last night, I felt completely guilty, he got over it and wanted to hold me and I didn't feel like I deserved being held. Why do we have these hormones that push the person we love most away? I didn't want him touching me, I thought I was poisoning his life and I began to cry when he pushed his body into me. I eventually fell asleep, and he left for work early this morning, me sound asleep.

C had missed me all morning at work and visited me on my break. I was still sound asleep, but I was so happy to see him. :) That's the thing I love about us, even though we fight a lot, they never last too long (even without spanking). He had to go back to work unfortunately but after he left I found a post-it beside me. I love post-it notes! 

P.S. I think I'm getting better, or more obsessed, with this blogging thing. Sometimes I don't mind being alone when C is working because I know I can read other blogs.... oh gosh.

*Hookup means kissing, nothing more. I kept my virginity for Chris. :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Spanko Since Birth

Chris and I have been getting really into the show Weeds (we are NOT caught up yet, so absolutely NO spoilers!) and in the episode we saw last night before bed, the main character got spanked, as punishment, and of course in a few scenes later the two characters roughly had sex. This excited me so much, not only is this a TV show the masses watch, but the main character was into it. It makes me feel like DD is spreading, and with the spanking community on blogland, and now seeing my favorite character get spanked on TV, I feel normal for the first time. If you know any other recent TV shows or movies with DD involved, please let me know! (I've already seen The Secretary).

I've decided to take this chance to talk about the history of my "spanko" (I honestly hate that word, it makes me cringe) life from the very beginning. I'm only 19 years old, and this is the first relationship where DD is fully talked about and taking place, but even from the age of 4 (yes, 4 years old) I knew I was a little turned on by being spanked. This was LOOONG before I was interested in men though. I was a very late bloomer. Guys were my friends and I was never able to see past that, with anyone until mid-highschool. I wasn't even really attracted to boys, I thought I was lesbian until highschool only because I found girls so much more beautiful, turns out I'm bi.

Now, back to the "spanko" side of things. When I was 4 years old, I remember so clearly trying to make games with my friends, my sister (I hope she doesn't remember) where I would be a bratty child and I would ask them to punish me. The game I remember most was when I would tell my sister (who is 2 mind you at this time) to be my mother and to take me to Disneyland. She agreed to play along because she liked being mommy, but then I would purposely be really mean, and bossy. And I would tell her to spank me as hard as she could. She actually did start spanking me (she's two, she didn't know any better) and I would ask for it to be harder, which I was disappointed with soon after.

As bad as this sounds, and as embarrassed as I am by it, it would also really fascinate me when I saw my friends getting spanked (very rare occasions). It was never really hard, just quick smacks with the hand to get the child listening again, but I couldn't help but stare and be completely interested in it. Spanking never happened in my household, it was extremely rare and even though I was completely fascinated with it, whenever my mom would threaten it, of course I tried to get out of it, so I never actually got it.

I also remember when I was little, that my favorite episodes of certain TV shows (like Tom and Jerry) were when the kid was spanked. I didn't find this weird at all until I entered middle school and felt like a complete freak, and I felt even worst when we had discussions about child abuse and how spanking a kid is wrong, when that felt so right for me. I felt like that was the only thing that would ever motivate me to do anything worthwhile, it's sad but true.

Now that I'm older, I don't feel like such a freak. It's nice to know that there are other people out there who need to be spanked in order to avoid procrastination, for the want to get healthier, basically to get things done. Did your "spanko" life start at a young age too?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

It's almost time!!!!

It's happening!
I don't think I can even express my happiness through a blog. The smell of new boxes fill the room as I watch the most amazing man in my life pack our belongings. I asked him if there was anyway for me to help and we have both concluded that by staying out of his way, will be the most helpful. So as I write this blog, I'm sitting in the corner of the room (there isn't much space anywhere else), wanting to jump up with excitement.

This move for us means more than just moving locations. It's the start of our life together. I no longer have to pretend I don't exist, there is no more sneaking me in, and hopefully we'll have the privacy we deserve to incorporate DD into our lifestyle.

I have seen changes already. This move is going to be extremely drastic, thankfully I'll be done with school and have one less thing to worry about as I learn to be submissive. This move calls for a change in my attitude towards being helpful, a change in the way I take care of myself (that means no more going to bed at 5am and waking up in the late afternoons), it calls for becoming the Kitty my Master deserves, he deserves my respect even when I don't agree with him and this process begins soon. :)

We're hungry, and I actually honestly don't have much to say. I more so want to scream about how excited I am that our lives together is FINALLY happening! :D :D

Argh.... now he's swishing around the fishing polls he took out of the closet. I can tell this is going to be a loooooong ride.