It's Over

I wanted to update everyone.
This is probably going to be my last blog post here. If I do end up making a new blog (probably will and hopefully that one will be updated more often) I'll post the link. But until then, this is farewell.

We broke up, for good, as far as we both know for now. It has been a rough few days for sure. Me being the worst girlfriend/person in the world, I ended things with him on his birthday. I can't help it, I don't know how to bite my tongue and not say exactly what's on my mind, and for whatever reason this day fell on His day.

I have been thinking negatively for several months. We have been fighting, we've been unhappy for several months and I kept ignoring the bad thoughts. I would shove them into a dark corner so I wouldn't have to stress out about them. I lied to everyone, including both him and myself. I was scared, I wanted forever, I missed feeling so in love. I wanted it back.

After I broke up with him, as bad as this is going to sound it's the truth, I felt a sort of relief. I had actually been falling into some sort of a depression and was unaware of it and when I finally ended things for good, I felt this pressure lift off of me. I do love him, he's an amazing man but there are some things that will never work between us, at least not any time soon.

He's close to 4 years older than me, and I know that's not much, ESPECIALLY in our community. But he acts like he's 40. And I don't mean to say that as an insult, it's a good (and sometimes bad quality) and I act like I'm still a child. The point here being is I'm in no way ready to wake up, and I feel forced to while in a relationship with him. We moved to a new city together and I have had a hard time connecting to people because I feel like a married woman. A girl who is no longer permitted to go out and have male friends. It was too much pressure for me.

I think I will always love him, he was my first love, first Master, first everything after all. I think this is why I'm so attached to him (and still am and trying to become dependent finally).

I know I'm rambling, but my head is in knots and it's hard to focus on one thing.

He still lives with me. Last night I told him one of us are going to have to move out ASAP. He tries to hold me and it's the worst pain I have ever felt and I have to be mean, and yell, and tell him to not touch me. It's awful but it's the only way I can survive these last few weeks of school.

School has actually been amazing for me right now. It's such a productive distraction and it helps a lot. I have also been getting really really into Harry Potter. My best friend is a major Harry Potter nerd, and I started reading the books again and it has consumed my life. When I'm not studying or doing homework, I'm reading Harry Potter. I wish I could be magical and whisk my way to Hogwarts and leave this hardship behind.

Anyways, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. What's done is done and we'll both survive it and only be stronger in the end. There are some things I'm not capable of doing with him, such as sex, and he'll finally find a girl that he can fall in love with, who deserves his kind heart. We just weren't meant to be, and I've accepted that. I just hope he does soon. :(

If you read my blog and want to stay in touch feel free to send me a message on fetlife. I'm -lostkitten over there. Do NOT just add me, I'll most likely reject. So let's talk first and once I get to know you better I'll add you. :)

Happy Birthday Master (round 2)

A year today I wrote a blog for my Master stating how in love I was and how happy I was. Today things are different. I've been trying to get back into blogging but recently I have been slowly slipping into a depression and that is not fun for either of us. It is Chris's birthday... today. And as the worst girlfriend that there can ever exist, last night I told him that we were no longer happy and it is set in my mind that we are going to break up soon.

This blog is going to be extremely personal (not like the rest of them weren't) but I am going to come to you raw, not edit anything out and say exactly what's on my mind. This blog is going to be therapeutic for me, but depressing for you so please don't feel obligated to read the entire thing.

I think there's something wrong with me. Like I'm pretty sure I have this social disorder that may or may not exist yet where I put myself into situations purposefully so that I am constantly alone or unhappy. When I found Chris, I thought everything had changed. That we were going to love each other until the day I die and live happily ever after. I knew in my heart that he was the one I was going to marry and even though we have fallen apart about 8 months ago (longer than we were doing good now) I kept my head up, stayed optimistic and repeated over and over that this was going to work.

As you all know, I just got back from Europe. I missed him, a lot, but I could sleep. I usually can't sleep without him, but this time I had no issues sleeping at all. Of course some nights I cried because I just wish to be in his arms again, but I survived it which makes me think I can survive us breaking up long term.

I just don't see the use anymore. Yes, we still love each other but I stress him out beyond belief to the point where he can't even show me love. Also, since I have an issue with sex I'm CONSTANTLY putting myself down (whether I want to or not). I'm starting to hate myself for not being able to please my boyfriend. I have this constant pressure because I know he needs it, and I'm stuck with this block that I can't get around and the more I want to be able to give myself to him, the harder it is for me to let go.

I need space. I need to learn who I am, what I like, my own orientation (I had another nightmare last night and the only good parts within it was with this girl...). I just feel like I'm not living for me anymore. I'm so conscience about what He would think, if He would approve, and I'm starting to not be myself.

I get home to an empty home every night, he comes home from work about an hour later and I jolt to the door to hug him. I miss him so much through out the day and he gives me a brief hug (which doesn't feel as warm as it used to be) and he goes on his way to do what he needs to do. He changes, starts cooking himself food and I feel like my existence is completely ignored. If I ever get to close, to just feel him against my skin, he rudely tells me I'm in his way and continues to what he was doing.

I feel like a burden to him. Like he would be better off without me. I would never be in his way again and he would be able to have sex and relieve all of his frustration. I know I'm falling into a depression and I'm normally a VERY happy person so I'm extremely scared to live my life right now. I just know that I'll fall with him, and without him and I think I have a better chance recovering with him not around.

This is the end.
He just got out of the shower and I'm stuck unable to think again. I'm so beyond stressed out, I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore...

London Baby !

I wanted to write this blog before I left for my trip but didn't have a chance. But here I am regardless, blogging from my hotel in London and honestly a bit tipsy. This is the first and only time I'll blog to you tipsy, but I have an excuse because I'm in London babyyyy!

:)
Anyways, I've been in London for the last few days and also had the chance to visit Paris as well. I'm so very lucky and am also super grateful for this trip. The only downfall about it all is the fact that my Master was unable to come with me. This is the longest I've ever been away from him since we've dated and the thing that sucks the most is I have hardly any contact with him at all. I can't text him, can't call him, and the only Internet I get for free is in a small little room in the lobby and because of the time change there's hardly any talk time.

I think I'm good at run on sentences.

This trip has made me realize that I CANNOT live without him. I guess that's a good realization, but it sucks to not have him hold me right now. This is my last night in this hotel room and I have a 9 hour flight to look forward to. :)

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!

We took close to 900 pictures on this trip and I'll try to select a few to show you guys, while still staying someone anonymous. I think it makes things more fun. Ill slowly unwrap myself to you... Muahaha. Maybe I do have a bit of a sadistic side.

-- ATTENTION WHORE ALERT! --

Uh oh, and this is where I start to get myself into trouble.

I think I'm a needy girl. I wake up to my boyfriends kiss goodbye, and there I'm left alone. I need attention, attention I can't get. And then I make fake fetlife accounts where I can get attention without feeling like I'm the one getting in trouble; SHE is. But then I receive the spanking. My plans always seem to fail me.

I haven't done anything wrong... yet. I need that attention but I'm blogging instead, trying to tear myself away from that. Master isn't texting me back, and it's making it really hard for me to control myself. I'm sorry for sounding like a bratty little girl who wants her drugs, but I swear I'm addicted to that attention.

When Master was away for the weekend, and he told me I was allowed to go on my fake fetlife account while he was gone, that's all I did. The moment after he left the house, I logged on and I didn't get off until he came home. I didn't leave the house, I hardly ate. I would wake up in the middle of the night to check it, and I had a hard time going to bed. It was rather disgusting actually and I swore to never let it consume me like that again, and I have stuck to that. It was pretty nasty.

And now here I am, wanting to be that center of attention but can't be.


Sigh.... I'm terrible sometimes.

Ripped, yet Fixed?

Since I didn't blog directly the day after like I said I would, I'm going to recap the last few days.

I also didn't blog the day after, because I didn't get my spanking. I was of course somewhat disappointed. All day I had been anticipating the worst spanking of my life (since we're changing our lifestyle in that direction) and he gets home, I don't mention it, we start watching TV and then we go to bed.

Of course while in bed I can't keep my feelings from gushing out of my body language. He asks me what's wrong, I'm too embarrased to say, and he goes: "I didn't forget about your spanking. I'm just really tired tonight, you'll be getting it tomorrow." Uh oh... I thought to myself.

Tomorrow comes around. I get spanked that night right before bed. I don't even remember it. It obviously was NOT the worst spanking of my life...

The next day is Wednesday. I'm stressed out with work, with school, with my obnoxious uncle who is "trying to teach me discipline" (those were his actual words, not mine). I asked for a stress relief spanking. We haven't explored this much, and I think it's about time we did. He confessed he didn't know how, and so I said we should research. He took that opportunity to research and leave me out of it. Hmmph.

He gave me my 'stress reliever' and once again I don't think it was long enough of stress relieving enough because I was stil overwhelmed afterwards.

That brings us to last night. He was at work, I was home alone after a long day at my job. I'm a bit addicted to spanking videos, and I came across the professional spanker Kyle Johnson. He is know for helping girls break their habits and be the best they can be. He also does couple counciling. We need counciling, we both do. You know how I said we found a mentor? Well that mentor has been MIA for the last week and it has seriously put me on edge. So I started talking to Kyle on fetlife, I knew that I wasn't supposed to talk to other guys but I have a hard time finding a solution to something like 'finding a mentor' if I can't talk to them.

I'm probably the most honest submissive ever. I'm just really bad at hiding things and I never lie, it's not in my nature. So of course, as soon as Master gets home I let him know I broke a rule and started talking to this man. He was cooking dinner and I could tell growing very upset with me. I hate when he's upset with me, I feel so guilty and unloved. :( We watched a TV show and ate dinner in silence. He mentioned during commercials that I was going to be punished for this, and my body tensed up due to the tone of his voice...

After the TV show, I knew what was going to happen. I knew he was going to stand up, take me by the hand, lead me to the bedroom and I was going to regret not being able to control myself. But that didn't happen. This is where I grow frustrated.

After the TV show he turns on Skyrim, a video game we're both very much addicted to and starts playing. I'm being obviously very pouty but he doesn't say a word or notice. Then I lose control.

"So is this how it's going to be!?"

"What."

"You're just going to put my spanking off again and then be too tired to actually punish me?"

...

He stands up.
Well, fuck.

He grabs me by the hand.

"You asked for this kitten"

At this point I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy, or scared. I got my way... sort of?

He pulls me over his lap as soon as we get to the bedroom. I cry out:

"You're doing this out of anger now! D:"

"No I'm not kitten. I love you and you're going to learn your lesson."

He lectured for a bit and made me feel really loved over his lap which isn't normally the case. I don't know what happened, but I secretly think he learned something from when I showed him Kyle Johnson's video. Shhh.

He tells me:

"You're going to get the spoon hard, and only the spoon. No warm up. And you are going to take it."

...

"Yes, Sir..." -gulp-

WHACK!
WHACK!
WHACK!

I'm already squirming and begging him to stop.

"Ok, ok, ok! I've learned my lesson!" is what I say.

I squirm so much, tossing side to side to the point where I fall off of his lap and actually break my undies (picture will be at the bottom). Oops. Then he goes:

"I'm going to try this..."

He was most likely thinking aloud, but next thing I know, one legs clamps down my flailing legs and I am stuck and he keeps whacking at my bum. :(

Is it just me, or does the left side hurt SO much more. It's like I have one super sensitive cheek. I'm wanting to call 'yellow' but only on the left, it makes no sense.

Anyways, he continues for maybe a minute. It was a VERY short spanking to say the least, but it was the most painful one I had in a long time.

"This is nothing kitten. I spare you. Things are going to change around here and you're going to start behaving. This is par, any breaking of rules will result in this as the base, and only get worst from here. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Sir."

"Now, go to your corner and I'll come back for you later."

As I walk to my corner I start smiling. I can't help it!

"Kitten... why are you smiling?"

At the time I didn't know why.

"Umm... because I ripped my panties? :S"

And then I stood in the corner and waited by my lonesome. I realized then that I smiled because he's learning. My Master is finally being that powerful man I feel submissive to and I finally got the spanking that I had coming to me. Yes, it was painful and it would be nice not to go through it, but I don't learn that way. It was such a relief that he took me to that place where I was yelping and squirming and still feeling safe over his lap.

After he came back he led me back to the bed and my heart fell. I thought I was going to be spanked again but I followed. He sat me down and put his arm around me and kissed my neck and cheek. I don't normally get aftercare, but I had been complaining about it for quite some time. :P He showed me so much affection and I felt so close to him. It was so incredible.

I'm not bruised, and my butt is only a little sore this morning. This scares me. How do women take harsh punishments? :o


The picture (I asked for permission, yay for being good) as promised:

Sorry about the bad quality, and the awful lighting and the lack of background. Hopefully we'll be getting a camera (with video :P) soon.

Tonight's the Night for Change

I feel like a big fat liar.
I told you all that I was going to blog consistently, and of course I have not been. Now you see what my Master has to deal with; at times I can be all talk and no action.

Well, I'm back... again. At least I do think about blogging every then and again. But it's hard, and I don't mean to complain in any way, it's just hard when nothing is really changing in your life. I blog, when something happens, and when nothing happens I feel no reason to blog. You can understand that, right? (And I know I'm probably talking to no one but it makes it easier to write when I feel like I'm directing this to someone :P)

I'm here, meaning there HAS been changes. Good ones in fact! :) Master and I have been very cozy and nice lately. I am so very much in love with him and I'm so grateful that we've worked through all of this hardship because this love I feel has been totally worth it. For the most part, anything regarding the lifestyle has been cut out completely, however, he has been more firm with me and much more patient. I haven't been spanked (will be tonight, surprise!) but I feel myself wanting to be submissive more and more and it's an incredible feeling to have.

He told me himself that the reason why we were fighting so much was because he had much higher expectations of me. Expectations as a 20 year old, I should be able to meet, but sadly I can not. He has agreed to remove all of his expectations and start out from the bottom up and I think this has helped us a lot.

We are also talking to someone who is going to help mentor us. He has been a bit MIA for the past few days, but I hope he comes back in the picture soon because I really think he's going to be able to help us. :)

Once things are back in place, and my butt is properly put back in line on a regular basis, I'll blog again. Which will hopefully be soon, very soon.

Anyways, I am awaiting a spanking tonight. I think Master is a bit fed up with my attitude and I don't blame him, I'M fed up with my attitude. I'm nervous, and anxious, yet excited because I'm thinking things will finally stick this time ESPECIALLY with the mentors help to keep us both on track.

P.S. Since we last talked I found out that I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist. So if it's ok with my lovely Master, pictures will soon be posted of my punishments.

Consistency.

I know I promised I would post on an everyday basis, but why post if there is nothing juicy to say?

I have a really hard time staying consistent with Master. Some weeks I want to be that true submissive I know I am deep down and be held accountable for all of my wrong doings, and other weeks I don't want him to discipline me at all, I want to handle things on my own and if he even comes close to delivering a spanking I probably deserve I get mad and this depression overrides me and it's just not healthy.

Is this normal? As a submissive woman shouldn't I want to eat, breath and sleep the lifestyle?


I know this is a VERY short post and probably not worth your time, I just need help.