Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It's Over

I wanted to update everyone.
This is probably going to be my last blog post here. If I do end up making a new blog (probably will and hopefully that one will be updated more often) I'll post the link. But until then, this is farewell.

We broke up, for good, as far as we both know for now. It has been a rough few days for sure. Me being the worst girlfriend/person in the world, I ended things with him on his birthday. I can't help it, I don't know how to bite my tongue and not say exactly what's on my mind, and for whatever reason this day fell on His day.

I have been thinking negatively for several months. We have been fighting, we've been unhappy for several months and I kept ignoring the bad thoughts. I would shove them into a dark corner so I wouldn't have to stress out about them. I lied to everyone, including both him and myself. I was scared, I wanted forever, I missed feeling so in love. I wanted it back.

After I broke up with him, as bad as this is going to sound it's the truth, I felt a sort of relief. I had actually been falling into some sort of a depression and was unaware of it and when I finally ended things for good, I felt this pressure lift off of me. I do love him, he's an amazing man but there are some things that will never work between us, at least not any time soon.

He's close to 4 years older than me, and I know that's not much, ESPECIALLY in our community. But he acts like he's 40. And I don't mean to say that as an insult, it's a good (and sometimes bad quality) and I act like I'm still a child. The point here being is I'm in no way ready to wake up, and I feel forced to while in a relationship with him. We moved to a new city together and I have had a hard time connecting to people because I feel like a married woman. A girl who is no longer permitted to go out and have male friends. It was too much pressure for me.

I think I will always love him, he was my first love, first Master, first everything after all. I think this is why I'm so attached to him (and still am and trying to become dependent finally).

I know I'm rambling, but my head is in knots and it's hard to focus on one thing.

He still lives with me. Last night I told him one of us are going to have to move out ASAP. He tries to hold me and it's the worst pain I have ever felt and I have to be mean, and yell, and tell him to not touch me. It's awful but it's the only way I can survive these last few weeks of school.

School has actually been amazing for me right now. It's such a productive distraction and it helps a lot. I have also been getting really really into Harry Potter. My best friend is a major Harry Potter nerd, and I started reading the books again and it has consumed my life. When I'm not studying or doing homework, I'm reading Harry Potter. I wish I could be magical and whisk my way to Hogwarts and leave this hardship behind.

Anyways, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. What's done is done and we'll both survive it and only be stronger in the end. There are some things I'm not capable of doing with him, such as sex, and he'll finally find a girl that he can fall in love with, who deserves his kind heart. We just weren't meant to be, and I've accepted that. I just hope he does soon. :(

If you read my blog and want to stay in touch feel free to send me a message on fetlife. I'm -lostkitten over there. Do NOT just add me, I'll most likely reject. So let's talk first and once I get to know you better I'll add you. :)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Happy Birthday Master (round 2)

A year today I wrote a blog for my Master stating how in love I was and how happy I was. Today things are different. I've been trying to get back into blogging but recently I have been slowly slipping into a depression and that is not fun for either of us. It is Chris's birthday... today. And as the worst girlfriend that there can ever exist, last night I told him that we were no longer happy and it is set in my mind that we are going to break up soon.

This blog is going to be extremely personal (not like the rest of them weren't) but I am going to come to you raw, not edit anything out and say exactly what's on my mind. This blog is going to be therapeutic for me, but depressing for you so please don't feel obligated to read the entire thing.

I think there's something wrong with me. Like I'm pretty sure I have this social disorder that may or may not exist yet where I put myself into situations purposefully so that I am constantly alone or unhappy. When I found Chris, I thought everything had changed. That we were going to love each other until the day I die and live happily ever after. I knew in my heart that he was the one I was going to marry and even though we have fallen apart about 8 months ago (longer than we were doing good now) I kept my head up, stayed optimistic and repeated over and over that this was going to work.

As you all know, I just got back from Europe. I missed him, a lot, but I could sleep. I usually can't sleep without him, but this time I had no issues sleeping at all. Of course some nights I cried because I just wish to be in his arms again, but I survived it which makes me think I can survive us breaking up long term.

I just don't see the use anymore. Yes, we still love each other but I stress him out beyond belief to the point where he can't even show me love. Also, since I have an issue with sex I'm CONSTANTLY putting myself down (whether I want to or not). I'm starting to hate myself for not being able to please my boyfriend. I have this constant pressure because I know he needs it, and I'm stuck with this block that I can't get around and the more I want to be able to give myself to him, the harder it is for me to let go.

I need space. I need to learn who I am, what I like, my own orientation (I had another nightmare last night and the only good parts within it was with this girl...). I just feel like I'm not living for me anymore. I'm so conscience about what He would think, if He would approve, and I'm starting to not be myself.

I get home to an empty home every night, he comes home from work about an hour later and I jolt to the door to hug him. I miss him so much through out the day and he gives me a brief hug (which doesn't feel as warm as it used to be) and he goes on his way to do what he needs to do. He changes, starts cooking himself food and I feel like my existence is completely ignored. If I ever get to close, to just feel him against my skin, he rudely tells me I'm in his way and continues to what he was doing.

I feel like a burden to him. Like he would be better off without me. I would never be in his way again and he would be able to have sex and relieve all of his frustration. I know I'm falling into a depression and I'm normally a VERY happy person so I'm extremely scared to live my life right now. I just know that I'll fall with him, and without him and I think I have a better chance recovering with him not around.

This is the end.
He just got out of the shower and I'm stuck unable to think again. I'm so beyond stressed out, I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore...

Sunday, April 8, 2012

London Baby !

I wanted to write this blog before I left for my trip but didn't have a chance. But here I am regardless, blogging from my hotel in London and honestly a bit tipsy. This is the first and only time I'll blog to you tipsy, but I have an excuse because I'm in London babyyyy!

Anyways, I've been in London for the last few days and also had the chance to visit Paris as well. I'm so very lucky and am also super grateful for this trip. The only downfall about it all is the fact that my Master was unable to come with me. This is the longest I've ever been away from him since we've dated and the thing that sucks the most is I have hardly any contact with him at all. I can't text him, can't call him, and the only Internet I get for free is in a small little room in the lobby and because of the time change there's hardly any talk time.

I think I'm good at run on sentences.

This trip has made me realize that I CANNOT live without him. I guess that's a good realization, but it sucks to not have him hold me right now. This is my last night in this hotel room and I have a 9 hour flight to look forward to. :)

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!

We took close to 900 pictures on this trip and I'll try to select a few to show you guys, while still staying someone anonymous. I think it makes things more fun. Ill slowly unwrap myself to you... Muahaha. Maybe I do have a bit of a sadistic side.