Utah: Land of the Mormon?

I know I haven't written as much as I promised, but I have a valid excuse! As you all know (if you've been reading) I started school this week. And for some reason, my uncle decided to take a family trip to Utah this weekend. So after hardly sleeping, due to school, I flew to Utah where I was away from Master for the weekend where I didn't sleep again. I can NOT sleep without Him, it's horrible actually. I had a very early flight Friday morning, so I had to be up at 4am. So I got roughly 2 hours of sleep, flew to Utah, skied a bit, had dinner, and everyone passed out around 11pm Utah time, and I was up until 3am. Woke up every hour or so and then officially woke up the next morning at 9am. Sleep is rough.

Anyways, who cares about the fact that I didn't sleep. Or Utah, for that matter. But it was BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful that I'll put a few pictures. :)

This was the ski resort we stayed at. The Deer Valley Montage.

Our view from our hotel room.

Snowy mountains from the airplane.

I just think this is a pretty picture. :)

That is actually me, and the white snow outside.

Alright. So I did promise I would update you on my punishment. He bruised me. And not on purpose I don't think and that ended up making me a little angry at him. We have these new floggers, and he'll admit he has no experience with them, but he tends to swing them in a way where it hits me at the same part on my side EVERY single time. To the point where I'm not even learning a lesson, it ended up making me angry and that's something we'll have to talk about.

I don't know if you can tell since you guys don't know me very well but lately I've been feeling very testy and I have a HUGE attitude. I don't know what it is or where it's coming from. I feel like being bitchy, and I feel like being called a bitch. But I'm afraid of it coming from Master because I love and adore him and I never want him to see me like that, so I'm in a rut.

I'm still trying to figure out my full dynamic with my Sir. If you have ever read the erotic novel "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice you NEED to. The very first chapter is such a fantasy of mine and I kind of want some parts of that in my everyday lifestyle with my Master. I want to be forced to be so polite, and be his slave but feel loved all the same. It's rather confusing, even in this head of mine, but I do dream to be His slave and not feel neglected in anyway.

I haven't had much time to talk to Master since I got home. Sleep really caught up to me. I got home around 3pm, passed out, and didn't wake up until 10am this morning and had to go to school. And now I'm home, and he's on his way back from some temporary job. I'm a bit scared, I'm already feeling bitchy again and I do not want to start off like this. D:

While in Utah I tested buttons for sure. At the time I wanted him to break up with me. I'm an idiot, right? The thing is, my uncle has no respect for my Master. I don't know why it's the case, but my uncle thinks he's a "low-life" loser who isn't going anywhere with His life and I know this is not the case. My uncle has maybe said 8 words to Him, yet he thinks he knows it all.

Anyways, while in Utah we went out to dinner and my aunt and uncle were telling me that I probably won't be with Chris (my Master) any longer. They told me how Lori (my aunt) lived with a guy for 3 years, met George (my uncle) and George soon after took her lovers place and according to them this is what is going to happen to me and Chris. This idea scared me so much. I love Chris more than anything or anyone else and the thought of finding someone else and leaving him, and breaking his heart breaks mine. I could NEVER leave Chris after what we've gone through and so that night in Utah I basically was asking him to leave me so I would never have to hurt him. Now, I know I was being dumb and I should just accept the fact that I'm not my aunt, but it's still a scary thought and the possibility is always there.

I'm doing better now, but I still haven't had a chance to talk to him so as soon as he gets home we're going to have a LONG conversation. I think I have these fears and doubts because after a year of being together we haven't established what we both want in the relationship. We've just been living it, which is fine by me, because I'm happy but I do worry about the future sometimes and I need the stability of Him being a strict Dom, even when I fight it.

I think that's all I have to say for now. I just felt the need to check in. :)

Meow For Me

I'm on day two of the busiest week of my life and already in trouble. I'll get to the trouble part later, and the punishment part (that hopefully won't be that bad, fingers crossed) a few blogs from now.

I am currently attending a community college; which means, with all of the budget cuts and for some reason always having a super late registration date, it is my job to crash enough classes to be a full time student. I'm crazy when it comes to school, I'll admit it. I have a really hard time staying on track of things, I'm super good at procrastinating, but knowing this about myself brings me to take school like I would take an extreme sport. I got ALL out. I try to have at least 19 units, my goal this semester was 25 but by the looks of it I'll be lucky if I get the 19.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "if you're such a procrastinator, than why would you give yourself more classes to procrastinate for?" And the answer is simple. When I'm busy, I actually get my shit done. When there is no room for me to slack off, I won't. So in order for me to do decent in school I need to overwhelm myself so I actually stay on track.

 That's why this first week of school is the busiest for me. It's not difficult, the days are just very, very long. I basically sit through classes from 9am - 10pm. Hearing all of the syllabus's to classes I probably won't even take in hopes of winning the lottery and receiving an add code. So far I'm at 12 units. Eh, not too shabby, I still have 2 days to go. :)

I will post my final schedule once I know it. I do take a lot of "fun" classes because the stress does get to me, and I love the theatre. So dance, music, it's all worth my time.

Now, on to the part where I got in a teensy-weensy bit of trouble.

Master calls me in the library. I don't usually answer calls in the school library but I do for him. :) I was using one of the computers so I couldn't just leave and talk to him. So we're talking, briefly. I tell him I have to go and he tells me to meow before I say goodbye.

Now, I'm sure this is a VERY simple task. But I'm one of the shyest and most easily embarrassed person you'll ever meet. I get so embarrassed that I couldn't even bring myself to meow with people around. And then he starts talking punishment over the phone, and of COURSE that makes me more uncomfortable. So me being the silly kitty I am decided to give a quick: "Byee... I g2g. I love you." and hung up.


Oooops....

The Worst

Am I possibly the worst girlfriend/submissive/slave ever?

Let me tell you our dilemma. Chris, the most handsome, hardworking man in my life, is currently unemployed. We moved about 7 months ago to leave our past behind and after about 5 months of struggling he finally landed a good job at the Disneyland hotel (do not stalk us). He was finally offered this job mid December, right before Christmas time, right before my birthday, right before already made plans.

It was necessary for him to take Christmas off to visit his family up north, he hadn't been home for Christmas in a few years now so I understood why. And he also had to take off for New years, through my birthday (January 2nd) because my uncle rented out a cabin for my 20th up in the snow and we were going to have an amazing trip with our good friends Ariel, and Jeremy. :)

I didn't think too much about this at the time. He JUST got a good job, and now is requesting days off right upon getting hired. He warned me too, when I told him he had to take the New Year off he sweetly said: "kitten, you know it's not going to look good on my part if I take so many days off.." too much PMS-y response of: "BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE THOSE DAYS OFF! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! YOU CAN'T MISS THAT! :(" And sure enough, he took those days off, and was fired.

He tells me it's not my fault, that HE chose to take those days off. But wouldn't you blame yourself? Why did I have to be born right after the holidays. It's not fair sometimes. I still feel guilty about it, no matter how often he tells me that it's not my fault.

Now on to today, and the reason I'm writing this blog. I can't stand him being jobless. It's so sexy to me when he gets up in the morning, takes a shower, puts on his suit, kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me and returns home by the time I get back from school. Yes, weekends were lonely and sometimes I wish he didn't have to go, but knowing that he made money to pay off our rent was a really great feeling.

Now I'm stressed out of my mind. Rent is coming up in just 10 days and I have to pay for books and I don't have financial aid yet and I know that I don't have nearly enough to cover and everything is falling apart. So I wake up this morning, and I have a major freak out. For no good reason, just my stress builds up like a volcano and at any given moment I'm ready to explode. Well, GOOD MORNING MASTER!

Rawr. I hate that I'm so mean about it. I know he's trying, he really is, I just think he should have a job by now. :K

A Punishment Story

And now my punishment story as promised..

'Twas the night before banishment and all through the house, Master slept soundly, while kitten was needy to pounce.

Kitten knew better than to let others taste and so made a new page (on fet) with a whole different face.

Kitten got men to want her by being bad to the bone and didn't remember her number one rule; she had already been owned.

Kitten flaunted and teased, acted naughty so men would beat her and when Master found out he was ready to defeat her.

Kitten was sent to her room with a frown on her face. Kitten hoped she would get off easy, but that sure was not the case.

Master showed kitten what it's like to be a pain slut, so remember, be careful what you wish for or you'll end up with a sore butt.

Not entirely sure why I decided to write it in poem, but there you go. Basically Master was snoozing and I was feeling a bit, you know, hungry and so I went back to my old ways of talking to Dom's online to get a fix.

I'm weird, or normal (I haven't figured that out yet). I get so horny thinking about pain and being beat to a pulp. Living in a Master/slave environment turns me on just as much as girls do, but I am too scared to actually live it. It is so much safer virtually and I don't end up with bruises and welts, yet I love having them, I just hate going through it.

That's why I constantly go through those phases where I act like a naughty brat, get online Dom's to "punish me" and all is good again... wrong.

Master is EXTREMELY understanding. Even though he doesn't approve of my needs sometimes, he does support them. The reason I got into so much trouble was because I did it behind his back, and when he asked me what I was doing, instead of coming clean, I said "nothing". Now you see where I'm wrong.

I'm too nervous to talk about this punishment. I'm STILL sore from it and thinking about it makes me flinch. He took me to my limit (on my left cheek a least) and I began to cry and begged him to stop which I rarely do and actually mean it.

I was tied up (or rather tied down), and every implement we own was used on me. This includes two spoons, a flogger, a ruler, the belt and strap. My entire body was whipped, and that was a first for me. It was bad, you can take my word for it.

And now im grounded from fetlife. I miss it. I think I'm addicted to it actually. I so badly crave to go back. :(

Guess Who is Back?

Im banned from fetlife, it sucks. It was the one thing I would do at work that would help pass the time with unbelievable results, now look what I'm resulting to.

I'm going to blog again. I apologize for disappearing for months and I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but I am back whether I have readers or not.

Give me a chance to catch up and reintroduce myself. I'm Zoe to you (not pronounced Zoey), just simply zoe, without the long e sound. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California and I now despise that place. The only good it brought me was a handful of educational experiences and the love of my life: Master Wu.

I am ready to admit that I am the most confusing, indecisive, bratty, spoiled young lady to ever claim she was submissive and my Master has to deal with this. We are still very much in love despite all of our hardships and sorebutts. He is my one; but not only.

Since I last opened up my life to the glorious internet I have discovered things about myself that earlier I was afraid to be fully open about. I have come to the realization that I am lesbian by definition, but thanks to the strangers on fetlife I am staying FAR away from labels. Yes, I prefer woman. They're gorgeous and helpless at times (or at least the women I'm into) and I can't help but long for holding a fellow submissive in my hands and dominate the shit out of her.

OK, I may have gone a little too far on that one. I'm not capable of dominating the shit out of her considering I'm the opposite of sadist; squishing an ant freaks me out. But the bottom line is I crave to hold a trembling girl who just got her ass beat for not being responsible. Have her look up at me and beg me with those huge eyes. She makes it so easy for me to tease her, making her wait for me, making her want me more....

That's enough, I'm getting way too ahead of myself. That fantasy will live forever and I will be with my Master forever and therefore one day it is destined for us to incorporate the two. But for now it is his job to make me wait and make me want him more for it. And besides, we're no where near ready to bring in a third party, there's no need to rush.

Speaking of rushing; my Master and I are still trying to figure out the perfect dynamic for our relationship. For the past year he has been telling me that I have no clue what I want, and I would beg to differ, but I'm starting to think he is right. I'm one confusing bitch (only Master and I am allowed to call me that). I know where my deep fantasies lie, that's not the issue; I'm just a big scardy cat.

In my head I want to be a slave with very strict rules and very harsh punishments. The thought alone makes me want him to tie me against the wall, whip me and fuck me so hard I cry (sorry about being vulgar, if you don't like it, don't read it). But I can't, and for some reason wont, allow myself to enjoy it. Fantasies become kind of scary when played out. For example I fantasize about walking down the sidewalk and a mysterious giant comes around me, blindfolds and gags me and shoves me into his van. Brings me home where I'm amongst other victims, tied up, shaking, and sold as a prostitute; but I would NEVER want that to actually happen.

The only difference with my slave fantasy and my sold into prostitution fantasy is that one of them is possible. I can be His and still be happy. However, I still can't help but fear pain and I still have anxiety when it comes to sex (I'll probably get more into that later).

One day, we'll have the perfect lifestyle, but for now we're still a work in progress.

I am going to start blogging again at least once a week and Master will hold me accountable to this. I am going to blog in the next two days about my recent punishment that got me banned from fetlife and how it's affecting me now.

In the meantime, if anyone is reading, you should go read my earlier posts. And if you have kept up from the beginning, you should STILL go back and read my previous posts, I know that's what I'll be doing.

Until next time,
His kitten

P.S. I'm going to get back into the blogging spirit so if you know of any good M/s or DD blogs link me to them in the comments. And yes, if you have a blog link me to it also so I can start my reading. :)