I'm Spoiled Milk

Now, I know I haven't been posting as regularly as I should. A lot of things have definitely happened and yesterday I had a mental list of what I needed to go over but right now I'm forgetting most of the things. Damn.

Anyways, I wanted to first let you all know why I haven't been blogging all that much. It's actually a bit embarrassing  and definitely is not something I would tell one of my real life friends but since you all know me at my worst I figured I would let you know. It adds to the humiliation, I guess.

I am re-obsessed with one of my childhood websites. Neopets, if you must know. It was something I got addicted to in the 5th grade and actually didn't fully quit until the middle of 9th grade. Yeah, it was a bad obsession and I knew I needed to get rid of it if I wanted any friends. Some reason, I checked back on and I'm back into the craze. /blush

Now on to my attitude. My attitude is a lot like milk, it's fresh and refreshing when you first purchase it but within a week (or my case a day or two) it goes spoiled and needs to be thrown out. That's me! After a punishment you would think I had no kind of attitude problem but give me a day, or even a few hours sometimes and I start to spoil.

Now, I don't even remember why my attitude came out, probably something really stupid but it came out bad not to long ago and I got the spanking I long deserved. It wasn't supposed to be that rough of a punishment. A few smacks with the wooden spoon on my leggings and then two sets of 25, one stating I would not have an attitude and the other stating I wouldn't backtalk.

Me and back-talking is the absolute worst, by the way. It honestly gets me in the most trouble, even beyond my attitude. I have always grown up needing to get the last word, and sure enough me getting the last word, or even the second word is considered back talk. It's hard to change a habit of 19 years!

Master quickly pulled me over his knee and He spanked me a bunch and then started the first set of 25. I submitted to the best of my abilities but half-way through, something jumped out and I protested to something, not exactly sure at this point, but because of the stupid BT (backtalk) the 25BT swats turned into 40. :( I almost cried.

I don't know about the rest of you,  but when I have to count that means the strikes are going to be 10x harder than what I'm normally used to. So even though 25 doesn't seem like much, they're much harder then when he's consistently spanking and that's why 25 is a scary number. FIVE is a scary number in that case.

When the spanking was finally over I was sent to my corner to think about my privileges.  He then gave me a pad of paper and I was to write down these thought of priorities. 

The man has a plan. He now has a system to my attitude which somewhat frightens me. It hasn't taken affect yet, which I'm thankful of, and I hope it never does. But he hung my priority list up on our bulletin board (I hope we don't have any guests) and he said every time I BT or express attitude he is going to cross off one of the priorities on my list. :(

These priorities include: speaking, texting, being able to go on the internet, sleeping in bed with Master, ect.

All the things I like. Waaahhh!

I think I would honestly prefer a spanking....

THE Survey

I decided to follow the trend and post my survey. :P


What is your screen name?  hiskitten
  
How long have you been practicing TTWD?  6 months

What is your astrological sign?  Capricorn

In what part of the country do you live?   West Coast

Do you have children?   Does my kitten count?

Do you have grandchildren?   Nope. 

What is your favorite color?   Changes all the time, but currently blue.

What is your favorite day of the week?   Thursdays.
   
Morning or Evening?   Evening.

Favorite TV Show?  Either How I Met Your Mother, or Big Bang Theory.

Favorite pro sport?   I don't follow any sports.

Favorite Ice Cream?    Rocky Road

Person from Blogland you'd like to meet?   dancingprincess :)

Person from Blogland you identify with the most?    Ella, Chris's wife.

First person who welcomed you to blogging?   Ella got me reading.

Title of your first blog entry?   Every Relationship Has A Beginning..

What are you wearing on your feet right now?   They're bare.

What are you listening to right now?   The AC.

Chocolate or Vanilla?   Chocolate.

Coffe or Tea?   Neither.

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?   Sparkling lemonade.

Favorite alcoholic drink?  Probably Captain Morgan

Favorite vacation spot?  Anywhere new.

Favorite Holiday?   Halloween. I have a thing for dressing up. 

Favorite season?  Winter, I hate the heat.

Place you want to visit?   Everywhere I haven't been. Broad answer, but I want to see the world.
 
If you had to start all over again, would you still choose TTWD?   It's the only thing that works.

Best piece of advice you can pass on about TTWD? When things arn't working the way you had in mind, be sure to talk about, even if it might make you feel uncomfortable. Like any relationship communication is key.




Figured I would update you all on how my new lifestyle has been going. I got a total of three spankings last night :( and I'm expecting one tonight even if I'm the best girl he has ever seen. For the first few weeks I need to be reminded of my place constantly. Currently I have internet access, which is awesome, but I'm not allowed to personally talk to anyone, writing blogs are OK. Last night Master took me again forcefully and I fell back in love with him. It sounds weird, and pretty vulgar but being taken the way he did made me realize why I was with him in the first place. He is so sexy when he shows that authority, maybe I was meant to be his slut. :)

Demoted Once More

It looks like being submissive to Chris wasn't enough for the both of us. I am as stubborn and rebellious as it gets and listening to Chris became harder and harder because I am one to constantly test my boundaries. If you have read my previous blogs, you are well aware that Chris and I have been going through a shaky time but lucky for my sake we are still together. :)


Earlier today we have mutually (for the most part) decided that I don't deserve the freedom of being his sub. A rebellious brat like me deserves nothing more than being his slave and I am going to go start getting treated like one. The idea of being treated like a slave scares me, I never want to be treated badly by Master, but seeing that I have been taking advantage of the freedom he has given me, I am no longer worthy of it.

The past two days I have been doing something that no slave, nor submissive should ever do. I have been looking for guidance from other Masters (mainly Mistress's) to get me back in the swing of being more submissive. I want to be submissive to Chris, but for some reason, I can't explain where it came from because Chris definitely does not deserve the brat I am, but I have grown very stubborn about ever obeying and I go through my day thinking of how I can get away with things rather than searching for opportunities of how I can make his life easier or a simpler word for it: submit to him.

Being his slave means that my sole purpose is to please him and only him. I do not have any more priorities that I would normally be given as a human being. That means I have been stripped of my freedom of speech or any leisure activities I once grew interested in while I ignored Chris in the past, that means no cell-phones or internet use without his permission.

Yes, this sounds horrible to even me but I think it's actually working. This entire six months we have been together, I have always treated the two of us as equals, and I was definitely wrong to do so. When we started falling in love in the beginning, we were both really fond of the idea of him being Master, me being his. We have strayed so far from this concept that I have started to say things like, "I could run our lives better than he can". Boy, was I wrong.

Today after I admitted to my wrong doing of seeking guidance from other forms of authority he sat me down, and I swear I felt glued to my seat. I have never seen Chris use that much authority in his voice, it was the authority I needed to start listening seeing that I wasn't even afraid of misbehaving in the past. I sat there silently, afraid to speak, afraid to move, afraid to breath.

He lectured me for about an hour, how I've been spoiled the last 6 months of our relationship and I agreed. I mean, I definitely have been. I demand him to cuddle me at night, and he cuddles me because he loves me but that is now way someone who is sub to their Master should be treating him. It just never crossed my mind that I was being so controlling from the bottom. I proved I wasn't ready to have freedom and sure enough freedom was taken from me.

During the lecture he mentioned that there is no more fooling around, that when I break a rule, even when I'm "joking" (as I used to say a lot), I am to be severely punished instantly.

"And when I say punished, I mean punished. No more maintenance spankings, no more 'patpats', no more play spankings. You will be punished and you won't enjoy it. When I say punished, I mean left with bruises and never wanting to sit down again. And I'm going to make sure you don't enjoy it, if you're wet, I will continue until you either air dry or spank you until it's no longer a turn-on."

Now let me explain myself here. His authority, the way he takes charge and spanks me just naturally turns me on. The spanking itself is the most painful thing in the world most of the time and I beg to be forgiven and let free. But for some reason, I still grow wet. He says it's because I'm enjoying it, but to honest truth I am not. :(

After our lecture, when he finally allowed me to get up he had me clean my room and told me we were going to have a session when I was done. For the first time, I cleaned the room fast without the same attitude I would normally feel suffocate me. The room was completely done in about 15 minutes, clothes put away and what not and I cleaned it so he would have something to be proud of.

Chris literally came in right after I was making the bed and basically finished and sat down with the spoon in hand. I knew I was to submit to this punishment eagerly or I would never see the light of day tomorrow. I did submit to my warning spanking (as he would call it). A spanking to remind me who I belong to....

My spoon and stool. The stool is up to my waist tall.

It fucking hurt, a lot. And I mean HURT!!!
It lasted a long time and he was super consistent with his strokes. He made every stroke count and for the first time didn't have me count the entire way through. It made me feel like I wasn't in control for the first time. When I count, I usually know about when it's going to be over so I can somewhat prepare myself but today I had to take it, not knowing if I was going to be spanked for the next 10 minutes, or the next hour.

The strokes on my bottom hit at the same momentum and would speed up. I don't know what exactly happened, but he definitely has been teaching himself about being my Master because he spanked like a professional today and I could definitely, and still definitely feel it. He had me over his knee for half, and then had me hold myself up with this "punishment stool" he bought me.

For the first time I took the spanking and although I squealed and whined when he told me not to I definitely kept my moving to a minimum and did try my best not to make a sound.

While leaning forward, ass up, head up, using my "punishment stool", he took me as his. He let me know for the first time that if he wants to fuck me, he's allowed to fuck me and as his sex slave (I hate calling myself that, but that's honestly all I am right now), I am going to enjoy it for him. I'm very bad when it comes to sex, I'll like it once it is happening but I never want to because the first few minutes really hurt me. He's not going to give me a chance to think about those first few minutes anymore which I somewhat actually like, call me crazy.


We are becoming more and more of what we wanted to be, just taking an extreme turn so buckle up. The rest of these blogs are going to be not so nice...


P.S. Sorry Ariel if I never speak to you again...

Love is Still in the Air

I just wanted to do a quick update coming from my phone. Chris and I are doing a lot better now, I still have commitment issues but he recently reminded me why I love him and I stopped worrying so much about time passing. We have both made an effort to spending time with eachother and it's incredible that I'm still leaning new things about him everyday. Thank you for the support everyone, it makes me realize this blog was meant to help me more then I had planned.

I'm in love <3!

And Now Our Bodies Are The Guilty Ones...

I honestly can not tell you what is wrong with me. I knew I had commitment issues from the get-go, but I never realized how bad I can get. This is going to be a rant of a post, something those who read my posts don't necessarily have to read. There is no exciting spanking story, it's just my need to vent and release.

Growing up as a child my dad never stuck around. He always got me excited for dissapointment and then one day he took off and left. Two years later he decided that he did want to raise my sister and I and came back acting as if nothing had ever happened. I felt resentment towards this, I didn't think it was fair for him to so easily get that second chance when he took off and left and stopped answering calls. I blocked my father from my life for almost a year.

At the time I didn't entirely know why I blocked him out of my life. The first time I saw him was THIS father's day. This is all very recent, and even then I still didn't want to see him. He never abused me physically, and he's an all around good guy so I never understood why I pushed him so far out of my life until now.

My dad is a flake, yes. But now I realize so am I. I think I was running from something that related to me. I didn't want to be that person so afraid of commitment, that person who at any given moment could take off, leave a family who loved him behind and never speak to them again. I never want to be that person and I am now seeing characteristics of that unstable, horrible person in myself and I want to explode.

Last night I told Chris I didn't want to be with him forever anymore. It has always been forever with the two of us, from day one I told him I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I just felt it in my heart that I found the best. I know I probably spoke too soon, but this is coming from someone who didn't believe in love and when I felt it, I knew I never wanted to not have that in my life. I have learned with my dads 2 wives, and my mothers 2 husbands that love is replaceable. I wanted to make a change in that, I wanted to prove that love meant I wanted to be with them forever so I wasn't afraid to say it at the time. I found love and I was about to keep him for the rest of my life.

As most of you know we officially moved in together about a little over 3 weeks ago. We have technically lived together for our entire relationship, but this time we actually signed a lease a moved about 40 miles away from anyone we know. We wanted to start our lives, our new lives on our own without any other distraction.

Since we moved in together, things have been getting shaky. May be a shocker for those who follow, because I never state the bad times, but Chris needing to find a job has really stressed him out to the point where we never do things together. We had a plan to go to Disneyland (you did somewhat hear about my trip). My mom made an extra $100 so Chris could go too but instead decided we needed that extra $100 for something more important, like rent and food.

I know where he's coming from. He's the practical one, always thinking about our necessities to survive, the needs for our relationship to work out. But what he doesn't realize is I honestly do not care if we eat 50 cent pasta every night as long as we get a few experiences in with each other, as long as we suffer with each other.

Isn't that what love is all about? Sticking together even during the roughest times? It makes it so hard because I love him so very much and his coping method to deal with his stress is to put all his time in playing computer games. It makes me see him as irresponsible, and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me anymore because he stopped paying attention to me. I am a huge attention whore, I must admit, but he knows this so to leave me alone for so long, to let my mind do the talking is a really bad thing.

I have always had a problem with my mind. It is like that red devil on my shoulder, yelling at me to escape. It tells me I'm not happy. It tells me I would have more fun if I wasn't in this relationship. It tells me to run and have fun again and be the 19 year old that I am. To stop having to worry about bills, and eating. To be free.

Now, I am NOT one for relationships. That's why the day I asked to be exclusive with Chris still surprises me to this day. I never wanted to be anyones. I was my own person, free to do what I wanted to do at the moment I wanted to do them. I never had someone telling me I couldn't go out and get wasted. My parents weren't there for that, and so I did as I pleased every single night. Chris removed me from that crazy lifestyle and I still thank him for that, and I definitely do not regret being his. As a matter of fact, I love being his.

If you have ever seen the movie (500) Days of Summer you would sort of understand. I'm a lot like Zooey Deschanel's character in many movies. In (500) Days of Summer she especially leads my lifestyle of (SPOILER ALERT!!!! SCROLL DOWN TO NEXT PARAGRAPH!) never commiting and then finding that one and marrying them. I thought that was Chris to be honest, I thought he was the one because he turned my evil thoughts off. When he held me I could sleep because I would no longer be thinking, when we went out or spent time together in the house I would never think about not ever being with anyone else because I didn't care for being with anyone else. He made me happy, and for the first time in my entire life that is all that mattered.

This is where the conflict comes in. Since his coping method is doing his own thing as a distraction, it kind of let me tend to myself, make me realize (or my mind at least tricks me to realize) that I don't really need him. That there are millions of others out there who can also make me happy and I settled too fast. My biggest issue with love before feeling it was the question of "how do you know?". And that question was answered with Chris, that you just feel it. You know. But now I do not know, and so I'm ready to run. I'm ready to do what my dad did to me those years ago.

I'm selfish. I want to leave, but I don't want to lose him. I'm not ready to lose him, I'm still in love with him as much as it sounds like I'm not but I love that person who was constantly surprising me, constantly making me laugh and smile. This person now just does his own thing constantly, like it would make no difference whether I'm there or not.

I talk. I say exactly what is on my mind and I believe this is a quality Chris loves about me. Right now I really hate that part of me. Last night I was about to explode with all my horrible thoughts of wanting to run so I started talking to Chris about them. I just wanted to let him know that I'm not ready to commit forever, but I still love him and want to be with him but the person he became under stress I want nothing to do with.

We had this conversation at about 5am, probably not the best time. I know I hurt him. I was crying the whole way through because hearing those words, saying it was going to end hurt me just as much. I'm still in love with the feeling of being in love, I'm still in love with the man I fell in love with, I'm just afraid of being with someone forever. I know this isn't fair to him, he's just going through a rough patch and I'm only making it harder. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have a 6 month lease and I really want to stick it out until it's over. I'm afraid he does not.

I'm not ready to lose him. I'm so fucking selfish, I can't believe myself. Nothing is ever enough for me. I'm such an attention whore and I need to learn how to just be content with what I have. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him I didn't want forever, I think I might have lost him.

We finally fell asleep. He held me to sleep because I asked him too, he held tight and it was the most love I felt from him in a long time. We fucked, think it would be good after that? Wrong. I have a problem with sex, always have. This might be too much info, but I'm venting and this is necessary. I'm extremely tight, I lost my virginity to Chris and there has only been a few times where it felt good. I don't enjoy sex most of the time and I have never come. I think something is wrong with me to be honest, I think I might even be lesbian. I hate the feeling of a dick being forced inside me and I hate dicks in general, they make me squirmish. I'm not sure if this is just me being a prude virgin or if this is going to be me for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy sex more than anything, but I don't and it frustrates me more than you know.

So we had sex for a bit until I couldn't take the pain any longer and then the tension continued. Luckily I fell asleep in his arms and hoped things would be fine this morning, hoped that I wouldn't have to even right this blog today. But that wasn't the case. We woke up, I said good morning and he didn't say a word to me. He got up, I asked him where he was going and I was ignored. He showered, got dressed as I started writing this blog and just took off without saying goodbye.

I'm crying now. I don't know what to do. I hate being in love with him right now. My life would be 100% easier if I wasn't still in love, I would be able to get up and leave and not care. That's what he wants to do, he wants to move back home and end the lease but I can't do that. I have no where to go, and I don't know where I would be if he just left. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on to that person I started dating 6 months ago.

I'm going to end this rant. Please keep destructive comments to yourself, I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat who wants her way but I'm already beating myself up about it. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. I want my mind to shut up again. I want him to hold me, I want everything to go back to how they were. When we were in love.

I'm still holding on...

Happily Ever After?

I meant to post this blog right after the awful incident but I swear I have been busy. I work for my uncle, meaning I do whatever random task he needs me to do. Lately, I have been going to places such as the beach, sea world, and even Disneyland for work. All I have to do is keep an eye on his very removed nephew (my very removed cousin) who doesn't speak much English. Easy task, just time consuming days.

Anyways, I think I was actually punished this time. Chris says it was a maintenance but I'm pretty sure you don't cry from a reminder. I guess it is his way of telling me it can be a lot worse, I need to keep my butt in line!

I had a really bad day on Saturday. Chris had work from about 8am - 9pm, and I was off. I wrote a blog that day complaining about his job, but that day was the worst day of my life. I woke up missing him. My kitten was still at the vet (he's back home now, and he's a crazy little pest but that means he's healthy :)) so I had no one to keep me company. Now, when I'm bored and by myself my mind takes me to the worst place possible. I start thinking about things that I don't even believe in. I start doubting Chris's love for me, I start believing that he will never have time with me, and even if he did have time with me he wouldn't want it anymore. I started thinking that Chris purposely got a time consuming job so he wouldn't have to put up with me. I hate my mind.

Anyways, all these thoughts got me wanting more, I felt the need to find attention elsewhere and this even upset myself at the time. Chris and I just moved in to our own place together a few weeks ago and I'm already ruining our relationship by looking for someone else to talk to and take control. I don't know what I was thinking, I honestly wasn't thinking correctly.

I felt guilty and mad at myself. I went on different bdsm websites and read different articles and even put up my own forum. I just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me I was in trouble. Even during all of this however, I wanted to be punished by Chris and ONLY Chris but I needed to hear I was in trouble to stop thinking the way I was. To my surprise, everyone on the forum told me to write down exactly how I felt, and all the rules I had broken and to send it to Chris. They were all respectful and I'm so grateful for that now. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have obeyed any random online Master's demands, but I'm glad they didn't go there and kind of snapped me back into reality at the same time.

So I did just that, I wrote an email saying how I felt and how I need to be reminded that I'm his and ONLY his. I kinda sort of even touched myself that day, big no-no, which I have known not to do since the beginning.

So as you can imagine, Chris was a little, or a lot, fed up with me. I didn't realize it while I was being a horrible kitten, but I hurt him with my actions. I don't want him to ever feel replaceable in my book, because honestly he isn't. I just went to a very, very dark place and made myself believe that Chris didn't care, that he didn't want me anymore.

Now, on to the punishment, or "maintenance" as he would say.

After all the build up from earlier, I felt so guilty, I didn't want to hurt him and I felt dumb for ever looking for more. It was just bad. He got home and sent me to my corner. I didn't want to be there anymore, I was scared, I just wanted to be held and loved and I wanted him to forgive me more than anything. Being spanked was the last thing I wanted at that moment.

He pulled me out of the corner and over his lap. He always starts spanking with the wooden spoon, no warm-ups just SPANK SPANK SPANK.

It hurt more than usual. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to be spanked, or if he was spanking harder than usual but I couldn't keep still at all. After a while, he told me to get in Position 1. Position 1 is basically me just on my knees. I quickly got in position, hoping it was over and he grabbed this big pillow and had me lie across it. He put his hand on the small of my back and continued spanking hard.

I kept twisting and kicking. There was no way I was about to submit, I don't know what was wrong with me. My mind was telling me I didn't want it and to flee. Maybe I needed the hardest spanking of my life to realize he was the one calling the shots. He ignored my pleas to stop and continued just as hard.

"You have known not to touch yourself for months now, so you're going to feel this for a long time. Do you understand?"

":( Yes Sir.."

"Wrong." SMACK!

"Yes Master!"  

He told me not too long ago that when he asks me if I understand something I am to answer him with a 'yes Master' so he knows I'm paying close attention. As you can tell already, I'm not very good at this.

So I felt it, I felt it for a very long time. I kept trying to cross my legs to ignore the pain but he kept swatting at my legs owwwww and continuing on. He didn't hold back at all, or at least it didn't feel like it. It continued to go on forever and I felt like crying but for some reason I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to become that weak at that moment.

He finally stopped, and I thought it was over. This spanking never ended I swear!

"We're almost done kitten. Just 100 swats, 50 on each side and we are done."


100!?! I have only endured 60, not so hard, ones. And those were in intervals of 20. Now he wants to do a full 100!?!

"Yes Sir... :("

"Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir." fuck

SMACK!

"YES MASTER!"

"Good kitten. And if you move, put your hands back, whine, or lose count we're starting over. Do you understand?"

"Yes Master." I'm getting good at this ;)


"Ready?" SMACK!


"ONE, I will obey!" SMACK!


"TWO, I will obey!"


It took forever. At one point I just couldn't take it anymore. I apologized and told him I couldn't take it.


"FIFTY! I will obey! Owww, I'm sorry I can't do this. :("

And then he stopped.


Is it over? He rubbed my butt for a second and asked me if I was getting the message. I sadly said yes and that I loved him and thanked him for stopping. I was so out of breath, my bum was stinging. It didn't even go numb this time. It just hurt.

"You have fifty more, are you ready?"

Now this even surprised me. I honestly thought he was going to let me go. It was still a pretty bad punishment maintenance and I had already learned my lesson. But he said 100, and 100 it is.

The next 50 were just as painful and it took just as long. I still wasn't in tears though, my eyes watered but I wasn't crying just yet. He lifted me up and sent me to my corner.

He followed me to my corner and started lecturing me. And then it hit me hard, I started bawling. Just crying non-stop. I was too weak and vulnerable to hold back my tears anymore. I felt so bad, I felt like I deserved the spanking and I was so sorry. I remember the exact line that sent the fountains running:

"kitten, you could have asked to play with yourself and you wouldn't have had such a bad spanking."

Stupid, stupid kitty. Why am I so stupid sometimes? He's fair. I say how unfair he is all the time, but the man is fair. I could have avoided it and I felt so dumb, so stupid that I couldn't help but cry.

I was in the corner for about 3 minutes and then.

"Kitten, get out! Your friends are here."
Huh? I'm not ready to get out yet. Do you see the tears flowing on my face? My friends are here!? .....

The day after I went to Disneyland, with a bruised bottom...
I promise you I will behave for a long while.

Lonely Saturday

It sure is a lonely Saturday. Chris got an amazing job where he will be making lots of money so we don't have to stress, the only down fall is I never get to see him anymore. His days are so long. He usually goes into work at about 10am, and is not home until 10pm. I don't know if I'll be able to handle this. I miss him so much, I'm an extremely clingy girlfriend (something I hope to change about myself one day) so this is seriously heartbreaking. It's only the first week so I hope things will get better.

We got a kitten for me so I wouldn't be so lonely but lately he has been sick. He won't eat on his own, and I'm so worried about the poor guy. Yesterday we brought him to the vet and they want to keep him there until Monday. :( I miss my Mowgli, he kept me company while Chris was away and now all I have is myself. Any suggestions on how to pass the time when your man is busy working?

Anyways, I figured I would take this time to report the follow up spanking. That morning Chris went to work (I have work on weekdays but he usually starts before me). I wake up to a text that reads:

"Before you leave please clean the kitchen." there were messy dishes still in the sink left from last night "I command you to do so. Also stand in your corner for 5 minutes and remember what we talked about last night. Let me know when you have these tasks done."

Now, this startled me big time. Chris is a dominant person, but never have I ever seen him use his authority like that. Standing in the corner is my least favorite thing and without him watching, I was NOT about to waste time doing it. I cleaned the kitchen, cleaned our kittens litter box, took a shower, check some blogs maybe... heh, and then before I knew it the time read 9:58 and my uncle was to pick me up at 10.

I had the perfect excuse, I was able to say I didn't have enough time so I ran with it. Wrong, the new Chris doesn't take excuses anymore and besides he knows me too well, he knew I could have had time if I really wanted to. :/

That day for work I went to the beach with my uncles super distant nephew, so my super distant cousin?, who doesn't speak any English. Working for my uncle means I'm subject to do anything, it's kind of nice getting paid to go to the beach. While there, I was to text C every hour, not drink any soda and have at least one serving of fruit and vegetable.

The day was long and the sun beat hard. It was difficult for me to be at the beach with some kid who was unnable to talk to me, and without my Master by my side. The day was long, and Chris finally came home around 10pm so happy to see me. :)

That moment when he came home and held me in his arms and told me he missed me was incredible. I kinda did a booboo and yelled and demanded, just like the night before, about him going on his computer and neglecting me. :(

He repeats over and over that it is not neglect but it feels like it when I haven't seen him all day and he's busy doing his own thing so I lose control. Next thing I know I'm told to go to my corner, once more (I have a corner in every room). I actually listen because his tone of voice told me he was serious. I stand there, he makes sure I'm standing straight and not being a brat. He comes over with the toy I got our kitten, it's basically a feathery like toy connected to a long plastic rod like cane.

Now, I thought the spoon hurt but I'm afraid I have another enemy. He gave me a few swats, no more than 15 with my pants on and everything and that thing made me yelp. I'm usually pretty good at staying quiet besides a few helpless pleads. But I could not control myself with this thing, it stung so much with every swing and I was feeling weaker by the second.

That night I got spanked on four different occasions for one thing or another. He's so good at being consistent all of a sudden, I say one thing he doesn't like and it's over his knee for me.

We were about to go to bed, I felt exhausted and it was growing late and he leans over to me and says:

"Do you really think you're going to go to bed without being punished for disobeying me this morning? You "didn't have time" for your corner, you didn't eat any fruits or vegetables and forgot to text me for 2 hours."

I was seriously shaky. This was NOT happening. :(

"Can you please please please not use the cat toy Master?"

"Of course not, I'm planning that for another day." He's evil, yet kind?
phew.

I crawl over his lap, I figure it would be worst if I resisted and I knew there was no way out of this. I remember not to long ago me fighting the spanking and him being all fine with it. Ha. Once upon a time.


This spanking hurt, BAD. It wasn't that long, I think he was ready for bed also but he gave me a last 15 to count out and he made sure to make those sting. I could hear the snap of the spoon fall down on me and make sure I couldn't leave the moment.

I was sent to my corner directly after. I talked out of turn, and he quickly came over, yanked my pants back to the ground and used his hand on me. What is his obsession with spanking me in the corner? I have yet to know.

"Kitten, when you are in the corner you are to be the most submissive you have ever been. You only talk when spoken to, and you are to stand straight, stare at the wall and think about what you have done and how to improve. Am I clear?"

"Yes Sir."

Oh where, oh where has my sweetie Chris gone?

I am finally free from the corner, snuggle in his arms.

"Have you brushed your teeth?" He's super on top of that too.


"No.... I'm tired though. :( Can I just do it tomorrow?"


"Do you want me to wake you up again with another spanking?"

I get up, ugggghhhh... (I actually said that aloud).


He follows me to the bathroom, gives me two HARD warning spanks and tells me.

"When I tell you to do something I expect you to get up with a 'Yes Sir' and nothing more. Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir!"

Zzzzzzzzzz.....

I'm Not Afraid of You!

I think the worst thing you could ever say to your Master is "you don't scare me enough to obey". And of course I crossed that line. Last night I got one of the biggest spankings of my life, but I'm going to bore you with the buildup first.

For the past few days Chris and I have not been getting along, still very much in love, but non stop arguments to the point where we stopped talking to each other. Those of you who have been following know we just moved in together and for some reason, you would think the exact opposite, we have been spending even less time with each other. Stress became overpowering and when Chris stresses out, he shuts down. Maybe it's a guy thing, something I will never understand, but when he is stressed he needs time for himself, to think things through. I'm the exact opposite, when I'm stressed out all I want is his comfort so I don't have to think about how stressed out I am. We're like magnets but in my girl world we're a negative an a positive so I feel the force drawn to him, and he's two negative magnets, wants as far away from me, or any other human being for that matter, as possible.

Because of my magnetic need for him, and his magnetic need to be distant I have been extremely frustrated and a frustrated kitty only leads to a naughty kitten. I forget completely how our lifestyle works, I see us as equal and I complain and complain and demand how he's not being fair to me. I sass and yell at him to comfort me. Why am I so stupid sometimes?!

Anyways, I just had it at Albertsons while we were picking up some food.

"Kitten, stop being so demanding!"

"I'm a demanding person, I can't help it!" *turns back and walks away*

Frustrated Master. :( He grabs me and holds me still in the middle of the store. 

"I honestly don't know what to do with you anymore, you don't know your place." I'm so smart.

"Well why don't you show me this place? Do you even know how? I'm not afraid of you."

"You dug yourself in a deep hole."

*End of conversation*

Me being the lion I am, yup, was still unafraid. I knew he wasn't actually going to do anything about it. I mean, he hasn't ever punished me bad enough for me to actually fear him. Yeah, I've had some pretty tough maintenance spankings but I'm still alive to tell the tale and not a single tear was shed. We got home, and of course like I had predicted no spanking took place. He was back in his 'ignoring' mood (the way I see his 'needing space' mood) and turned on his computer and turned on one of his boy games. I just had it at that point, I mean deep down I was hoping there was going to be change and he would punish me like he promised so I lost it. I didn't hold back at all and yelled and demanded him to get off the computer, go to the bedroom with me and watch some 'Weeds' (fucking amazing show).

He followed me to the bedroom alright, wooden spoon in hand (he keeps it by the window pane).

"Come here!" signals towards bed

"Huh?"

"Come... here..."

I come.

"Now kitten, do you know what you've done?"

"Yes Sir..." sass still in my tone

*SMACK!*

Now I don't think Chris believes in warm-ups. I was already bare bottomed across his lap and he already swung with that merciless wooden spoon.

After that he just kept smacking, over and over again and made sure I told him over and over again what I was doing right. I swear I have had to say: 1. I will not be demanding, 2. I will not raise my voice and 3. I will not be sassy. Over and over again. He drilled it hard into my head, or should I say my ass.


After a while it went numb. Now all you spankos out there may think I'm a newbie when it comes to spankings and you guys go numb all the time, but that was the very first time that has ever happened. I didn't even know it went numb. I'm so glad it did though, I honestly don't think I would have been able to last if it didn't.

After what I felt was forever, he told me to get up and go to my corner. Now this is the weird part, in my opinion, I couldn't move. I laid there still for a second until I heard: Do you want more?! *WHACK* meow :(

So I get up, extremely dizzy. Is this normal?! And went to my corner. I leaned on the sides of the walls because I felt too weak to hold myself up. He comes by, I see him in the shadow against the wall and tells me to stand up straight, arms by my side.

I whine.
He comes back with the spoon. More spanks! Coome onnnnn. Once in the corner, isn't the punishment over? That's not how it works in our house. My feet started denting the carpet, I felt bad for not believing in him and I almost started crying when he pulled me out and held me. That's such a crazy feeling, that moment he holds you and you feel like everything is going to be ok.

He leaves the room, I lie there by myself. He squirts lotion on my burning bum and asks me how it feels. It actually felt good, and told him the truth. Now I know my boyfriend is a monster for sure, he was hoping it would sting. -______-

I'm extremely tired and I actually just suffered another spanking just now which was shorter but not sweeter. :/

To resume tomorrow...

New Kitten In Town

I HATE THAT SPOON!
So at first I didn't mind it so much, little tap taps here and there were kind of fun. But Chris is no longer messing around, I'm no longer allowed to EVER raise my voice at him, demand anything (even playfully which I do very often), or deny a kiss (even though I do it a teasing manner). These are the 3 main ones we are working on so far. The first time I did all 3, it was 5 swats for each. I thought, wow, no biggie. Now, here is the catch. He decided he would double them every time I broke one of the 3 rules, so the next demand I had costed me 20, and then 40 and so on. Let's just say next time I ever raise my voice or demand something it's 80, for each. THAT'S 160!!

Graaah. Frustrating. It hurts. :(

On a better, or not so better note, we got a kitten two days ago. He's seriously the most adorable thing ever! He's asleep next to the desktop right now, I'll snap a picture....

Cute huh? There's a new kitten in town! I swear I'm going to get in a lot of trouble because of him. Last night the little twerp (his name is Mowgli) decided to pee on our bed. Of course Chris was not happy at all. This is his first cat, so I feel like he's training him like a dog and it really bothers me because that's not how you treat a cat. You can't just put an indoor cat outside for being bad, or yell/scold him. Cats are too prissy. I have always grown up with cats so I know that the only way to make the stubborn things do what you want is through love and repitition. Last night we had him locked in the bathroom but I woke up this morning to his cute little meows at 9am to release him. Chris wasn't too happy and my attitude didn't help.

I just don't know what to do. It feels almost like child abuse. This is my baby, and I'm going to take care of him even if he does a little accident. I've been repeatedly showing him his litter box, making sure he knows how to use it. I even taught the darn thing how to drink water today. He's a baby, and I love him but I love Chris more. I'm ranting, but the point is I would choose my Master over my kitten and so I have these feelings on wanting to give up on my baby to make C happy but gakhalifhjao. End rant.

Thanks for listening to my brain explode, I sure don't want to hear all this guilt anymore. I begged and begged for the precious kitten (he was free off of craigslist) but didn't realize how expensive raising a "child" is. The poor thing. :(

Chris is still asleep. I think he is avoiding me. I think he'd rather sleep than fight with me. I think this, because I do it all the time. Rats.

I'm alive!

I am certainly not dead.
Now... this is awkward. I finally got internet access again and it's hard to start this up again. It's like losing touch with a friend, and trying to start that first conversation again after a few years. What are you supposed to say?

First things first, we moved! Finally got our own place to be the crazy freaks we are. We haven't fully started getting into ttwd because we haven't had much time. We've been organizing, unpacking, buying normal everyday supplies and my favorite, finding free things on craigslist to start our new home off right. :) We are still looking for simple things like a couch, and a dining table but I'm sure we'll get those soon.

Now that we moved the boss, my Master, says things are going to start changing around here. Target shopping is now implement shopping and I got my first wooden spoon. It's extremely thick, and made out of bamboo and I've only gotten 'tester' swats and it hurts BAD! It's the first time where he just has to mention it and I'll drop my attitude, I kinda like the affect it has on me but I definitely do NOT want to get punished with it.

I still have never been punished, punished properly. I'm nervous. This place echos. I'm afraid someone will hear. It makes me nervous. I don't want.

I'll be updating a lot more frequently now that I have internet access. It's good to be back. :) I'll also let you know about any updates in our household, C will be writing a syllabus soon and I'm entering How to be a Slave 101 soon. Wish me luck!

The Point of No Return; Part 2

I stayed quiet here. When he's stern, he's stern and there is no breaking through to him ESPECIALLY when there's another person there. I felt shy, hurt and confused. I sat there obediently until he got done, but I just had it on the walk to the car and fully showed him how I felt.

"Why didn't you just text me!? I knew you were mad, but to make me think that you might have gone home without me, or might have gone out to spite me! Or worst.... something might have happened to you! It's not hard to send me a text, I have to do it every hour and I manage!"

Still silent from his end. While walking to his car I flinched really bad, I thought he was going to hit me. I mean, the way I was talking he should have. I kept yelling and putting him down, but he refrained from abusing me. He told me that he would never strike me out of anger and I'm so fortunate that he has so much self-control.

He opens my door, I get in and he slams the door. I sit there still. We drive home, I remain quiet.

 Calmly, he finally starts talking.

"When I call you, I expect you to answer. I expect you to drop what you're doing and.."

"But I can't!! I can't just drop everything for you all the time. It's rude! What if you were in a movie, would you really just get up and answer my call?! Would you now?!" *I was rushing at him full speed*

"QUIET. I'm not finished."

 

"Do you honestly expect me to just stop EVERYTHING I'm doing so we can do the bullshit, I miss you, I love you, couple talk?! It's not like you ever have anything to say to me anyways!!"

"I SAID QUIET! 10 minutes of silent from you. I don't want to hear a word out of you!"

I put my head down and shut the hell up.

"Why is it so hard for you to understand that it doesn't matter if I have nothing to say to you, but I should be your top priority even when you're out with friends!"

"But..." *the look was enough and I bowed my head back down*

"Yes, if I was in a movie I would drop everything to answer your call. The movie is not as important to me as you are." 

That's when it hit me, it's the principle of it all. That game, was definitely not that important but at that moment I treated it like it was the only thing that mattered to me, as if I couldn't care less about him. 

"I'm not good with relationships... I'm not good with being submissive... I'm not cut out for this... :( I can't be expected to drop everything and talk to you."

I didn't know what to say. He deserves someone so much better, he tries so hard and I try so hard to walk all over him, find an escape and be a total brat. I also have a tendency of telling him that he holds me back from doing so much. That it's because of him I never have fun with my friends anymore and that I miss those experiences.

"Do you want to be a normal relationship?"

"No.. it's too late for that, we should have started that way though." :/

Silence.

Now, I was over fighting. I was done raising my voice but he was quiet, and still thinking about the whole situation.

"Meow.. can we please go inside?"

No response. I could tell how much tension was still inside him. I get over things so quickly, maybe it's because I don't process them as deeply as I should, but I hate staying mad at him, or him staying mad at me for that matter. I tried again.

"Can we please go inside... meow, meow. I'm tired, I want to get comfy."

Still no response. This frustrated me beyond belief.

"CAN YOU PLEASE TALK TO ME!? I hate this, I always get over something and then you always frustrate me again and put me back in the same position where I'm mad at you again. UGH. Just talk to me, I always tell you exactly what's on MY mind, why can't you?"

"You think it's so easy because it comes natural for you. It's hard for me to share what's on my mind, so no. We're not going inside until we figure everything out."

"We?! I've figured everything out, this is all YOU. Now stop dragging me into your misery! This is not fair, I want to go!! Uggh. Just let me go inside, you can stay out here and drown in your thoughts if you please but I'm not going to sit here and watch you do it."

Silence for a few beats, broken by soft words from his mouth.

"I don't think you're ready.."

"Ready for what..?" Where did that come from?

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship."

That's when the tears started flooding, the damn was not strong enough to hold back the ocean.

"I can't be here..."

I jumped out of the car, trying so hard to hide the fact that I was crying uncontrollably and found a step to sit down on where I could just cry my thoughts through. I kept thinking that maybe he's right, I always knew that I was never meant to find someone, that I was never going to be ready to be in a relationship because I'm too selfish with my own life to share it with someone else. I knew that I didn't deserve him. I knew that I was going to miss out on those drunk times with friends, those times where I could have been arrested, raped or even killed. I knew life was no longer going to be so easy, that I was going to have to do good in school, going to have to start cleaning and becoming more responsible. I knew that being with him meant that I was to grow up, am I ready to grow up?

These thoughts were flooding in at the speed of light and they kept making me cry heavier and heavier. I got to a point where I realized not only how much I needed him, but how much I wanted him also. I would give up all the stupidity to be with him. Yes, I might have given up those best years of your life where you don't have any responsibilities, but is it really for my own good? I realized this in my tears just as Chris started walking over to me. I could feel him, even before he touched me and I felt more at ease. I could feel his love from a few feet away. This is why it is so hard for me, I am truly in love with this man.

He sat next to me, pulled me over and lyed my head down on his shoulder and pet my head. We sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything. As he held me close to him I started sobbing again, the love was almost overpowering, overwhelming and at that moment I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I found someone who loves me more than anything, and I could feel that love without words.

I stopped crying and broke the silence.

"I'm sorry. I love you. I don't just need you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and the thought without you..." I started crying again.

"Don't worry kitty, I love you too. There isn't going to be an end for us, I just feel bad that I'm holding you back from allowing you to do the things you want."

"But those things aren't the important things! You are important, our future together is important... :("

"I love you kitten, and that will never change. You're mine, that will never change."

We continued to sit on the steps in silence, comfortable as ever and went inside feeling more in love with each other and realizing that we have reached the point of no return.

"Am I still in trouble?"

"Yes my kitten."

".. Didn't I go through enough?"

"Your butt has not."

.......

The Point of No Return; Part 1

I'm not a relationship kind of person. I think I'm too selfish, or I'm not used to having to discuss plans with another person. When I want something, I go for it and I don't normally spend time thinking about whether or not it would work out for the people around me. This is after all, MY life, and I know this is a really bad way of looking at life, but I've concluded that I'm a selfish person and I need to allow Chris to guide me, stop controlling everything, let go of the steering wheel and enjoy the ride for once.

Last night Chris and I got into one of our biggest fights we have ever gotten into. It ended with me getting out of his car, and sobbing breathlessly on the steps to his place. I haven't cried that much in a long time, it is one of those cries where you cry so fast that you have a difficult time breathing and it is almost impossible to stop. 

Like any other Friday night, Chris had work from about 5pm-2am (at least what is supposed to be 2am, ended getting off around 3:30am) and I was out with friends. Ever since I started dating Chris I gave up a lot of my friends because lets face it, my friends are dicks who treat me like shit and I used to enjoy that kind of attention. Chris certainly does not want me hanging out with people who disrespect me, and I respect that so I stopped seeing friends period, for the most part.

Last night I hung out with my good friends, the ones I was really close to before I discovered partying and alcohol (I didn't have my first sip of alcohol until I was 18, but during my 18th year I basically lost everyone close to me and decided that partying was the best thing in the world, I was a lost kitten). I realized last night how much I missed that group of people, the group of people you can genuinely have a great time with without any alcohol involved, it was the first time I have had that much fun in a really, really long time. We played a board game called Settlers of Catan, it's a German game. And trust me, check it out (it might be confusing if you don't have anyone to explain it to you though..)

Now, the issue was clearly not me having fun, Chris is really glad I got to go out with my friends and was able to have a good time because I haven't been able to go out very often since we started dating. The issue now was how involved I get when I'm with friends, so involved to the point where I forget that I even have a Master who loves me.

He called me during his break; he doesn't get much time to talk to me while at work so he called me when he could. 

"Hey kitty, what are you up to? I really miss you!"

"I miss you too meow, meow! :) I'm still close, just with my friends talking."

"That's good, I'm on my break right now. I love you."

":) Meow! Love you too. I can't talk though, talking to my friends!"

"Fine......"

So that was our first conversation of the night and as you can tell I completely shut him down. The next text I got was: "You've been with them for hours now but you can't take 10 minutes to talk to me. Master isn't happy with the way you treat situations. Bad kitten."

I HATE hearing bad kitten. I feel like I've disappointed him and that is the worst feeling of all. At the time I felt like he was being a little too needy, I mean, I live with the guy. We are inseparable. So why can't I be with friends and pay attention to only them for the 10 hours while we're away?

I said I was sorry through text, but I obviously didn't really mean it. I thought I was right, I feel rude removing myself from my friends to talk on the phone, it's just not something I do.

I text him every hour, it's a rule we have so he knows where I am at all times and how I am. Most of the time he doesn't respond because he's working but he does read all of the texts and it shows I have not forgotten about him. I'm actually really good at texting him on the hour, I do love the man so I do love telling him what I'm doing because I always want him to join in and be a part of the fun!

I did text him every hour, I'm good at that. Now, at around 12:30 (right when the store closes so he about 5 minutes to give me a call) I was in the middle of a really intense game of Settlers of Catan. Now, if you've ever played the game you would know how intense that game can get and it's really hard to peel your way from game, at least for me, because you can't miss out on anything. 

"Hey kitten, how are you? I've missed you. Work has been a nightmare."

"Hiii! Missed you too, gotta go, playing game!"

So he hung up. I continued texting him every hour like a good kitten and didn't even realize that he might be mad at me yet. Two of the same offenses in one night, it showed that I really didn't care if he needed or wanted to talk to me, it showed that I probably didn't miss him (which I did, I wish he was there playing with us), and it was just disrespectful the way I cut him off.

He was supposed to pick me up after work. It was nearing 2am so I began calling him off the hook, no answers. Started texting him like crazy asking him where he is, no answers. I started freaking out a bit. My friends kept questioning me where he was, and I was as clueless as they were. Me, being me, started thinking of the absolute worst. We do live in a city of sin, and who knows what could have happened. I asked a friend for a ride to his work, and to my luck (and surprise) I found him there. You can only imagine how unhappy I was for not getting a simple text telling me he was alive. It really frightened me because he is not one to not respond to my calls; it’s out of his nature.

They unlocked the door.

"It would've been nice if you answered your phone." (With as much attitude as I could produce in front of his coworker, crossed a line? I hope so.)

 

....

"Chris?"

"Be quiet and sit down. I'm working."

*I sit*

To be Continued....