A year today I wrote a blog for my Master stating how in love I was and how happy I was. Today things are different. I've been trying to get back into blogging but recently I have been slowly slipping into a depression and that is not fun for either of us. It is Chris's birthday... today. And as the worst girlfriend that there can ever exist, last night I told him that we were no longer happy and it is set in my mind that we are going to break up soon.
This blog is going to be extremely personal (not like the rest of them weren't) but I am going to come to you raw, not edit anything out and say exactly what's on my mind. This blog is going to be therapeutic for me, but depressing for you so please don't feel obligated to read the entire thing.
I think there's something wrong with me. Like I'm pretty sure I have this social disorder that may or may not exist yet where I put myself into situations purposefully so that I am constantly alone or unhappy. When I found Chris, I thought everything had changed. That we were going to love each other until the day I die and live happily ever after. I knew in my heart that he was the one I was going to marry and even though we have fallen apart about 8 months ago (longer than we were doing good now) I kept my head up, stayed optimistic and repeated over and over that this was going to work.
As you all know, I just got back from Europe. I missed him, a lot, but I could sleep. I usually can't sleep without him, but this time I had no issues sleeping at all. Of course some nights I cried because I just wish to be in his arms again, but I survived it which makes me think I can survive us breaking up long term.
I just don't see the use anymore. Yes, we still love each other but I stress him out beyond belief to the point where he can't even show me love. Also, since I have an issue with sex I'm CONSTANTLY putting myself down (whether I want to or not). I'm starting to hate myself for not being able to please my boyfriend. I have this constant pressure because I know he needs it, and I'm stuck with this block that I can't get around and the more I want to be able to give myself to him, the harder it is for me to let go.
I need space. I need to learn who I am, what I like, my own orientation (I had another nightmare last night and the only good parts within it was with this girl...). I just feel like I'm not living for me anymore. I'm so conscience about what He would think, if He would approve, and I'm starting to not be myself.
I get home to an empty home every night, he comes home from work about an hour later and I jolt to the door to hug him. I miss him so much through out the day and he gives me a brief hug (which doesn't feel as warm as it used to be) and he goes on his way to do what he needs to do. He changes, starts cooking himself food and I feel like my existence is completely ignored. If I ever get to close, to just feel him against my skin, he rudely tells me I'm in his way and continues to what he was doing.
I feel like a burden to him. Like he would be better off without me. I would never be in his way again and he would be able to have sex and relieve all of his frustration. I know I'm falling into a depression and I'm normally a VERY happy person so I'm extremely scared to live my life right now. I just know that I'll fall with him, and without him and I think I have a better chance recovering with him not around.
This is the end.
He just got out of the shower and I'm stuck unable to think again. I'm so beyond stressed out, I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore...