I just wanted to do a quick update coming from my phone. Chris and I are doing a lot better now, I still have commitment issues but he recently reminded me why I love him and I stopped worrying so much about time passing. We have both made an effort to spending time with eachother and it's incredible that I'm still leaning new things about him everyday. Thank you for the support everyone, it makes me realize this blog was meant to help me more then I had planned.
I'm in love <3!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
And Now Our Bodies Are The Guilty Ones...
I honestly can not tell you what is wrong with me. I knew I had commitment issues from the get-go, but I never realized how bad I can get. This is going to be a rant of a post, something those who read my posts don't necessarily have to read. There is no exciting spanking story, it's just my need to vent and release.
Growing up as a child my dad never stuck around. He always got me excited for dissapointment and then one day he took off and left. Two years later he decided that he did want to raise my sister and I and came back acting as if nothing had ever happened. I felt resentment towards this, I didn't think it was fair for him to so easily get that second chance when he took off and left and stopped answering calls. I blocked my father from my life for almost a year.
At the time I didn't entirely know why I blocked him out of my life. The first time I saw him was THIS father's day. This is all very recent, and even then I still didn't want to see him. He never abused me physically, and he's an all around good guy so I never understood why I pushed him so far out of my life until now.
My dad is a flake, yes. But now I realize so am I. I think I was running from something that related to me. I didn't want to be that person so afraid of commitment, that person who at any given moment could take off, leave a family who loved him behind and never speak to them again. I never want to be that person and I am now seeing characteristics of that unstable, horrible person in myself and I want to explode.
Last night I told Chris I didn't want to be with him forever anymore. It has always been forever with the two of us, from day one I told him I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I just felt it in my heart that I found the best. I know I probably spoke too soon, but this is coming from someone who didn't believe in love and when I felt it, I knew I never wanted to not have that in my life. I have learned with my dads 2 wives, and my mothers 2 husbands that love is replaceable. I wanted to make a change in that, I wanted to prove that love meant I wanted to be with them forever so I wasn't afraid to say it at the time. I found love and I was about to keep him for the rest of my life.
As most of you know we officially moved in together about a little over 3 weeks ago. We have technically lived together for our entire relationship, but this time we actually signed a lease a moved about 40 miles away from anyone we know. We wanted to start our lives, our new lives on our own without any other distraction.
Since we moved in together, things have been getting shaky. May be a shocker for those who follow, because I never state the bad times, but Chris needing to find a job has really stressed him out to the point where we never do things together. We had a plan to go to Disneyland (you did somewhat hear about my trip). My mom made an extra $100 so Chris could go too but instead decided we needed that extra $100 for something more important, like rent and food.
I know where he's coming from. He's the practical one, always thinking about our necessities to survive, the needs for our relationship to work out. But what he doesn't realize is I honestly do not care if we eat 50 cent pasta every night as long as we get a few experiences in with each other, as long as we suffer with each other.
Isn't that what love is all about? Sticking together even during the roughest times? It makes it so hard because I love him so very much and his coping method to deal with his stress is to put all his time in playing computer games. It makes me see him as irresponsible, and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me anymore because he stopped paying attention to me. I am a huge attention whore, I must admit, but he knows this so to leave me alone for so long, to let my mind do the talking is a really bad thing.
I have always had a problem with my mind. It is like that red devil on my shoulder, yelling at me to escape. It tells me I'm not happy. It tells me I would have more fun if I wasn't in this relationship. It tells me to run and have fun again and be the 19 year old that I am. To stop having to worry about bills, and eating. To be free.
Now, I am NOT one for relationships. That's why the day I asked to be exclusive with Chris still surprises me to this day. I never wanted to be anyones. I was my own person, free to do what I wanted to do at the moment I wanted to do them. I never had someone telling me I couldn't go out and get wasted. My parents weren't there for that, and so I did as I pleased every single night. Chris removed me from that crazy lifestyle and I still thank him for that, and I definitely do not regret being his. As a matter of fact, I love being his.
If you have ever seen the movie (500) Days of Summer you would sort of understand. I'm a lot like Zooey Deschanel's character in many movies. In (500) Days of Summer she especially leads my lifestyle of (SPOILER ALERT!!!! SCROLL DOWN TO NEXT PARAGRAPH!) never commiting and then finding that one and marrying them. I thought that was Chris to be honest, I thought he was the one because he turned my evil thoughts off. When he held me I could sleep because I would no longer be thinking, when we went out or spent time together in the house I would never think about not ever being with anyone else because I didn't care for being with anyone else. He made me happy, and for the first time in my entire life that is all that mattered.
This is where the conflict comes in. Since his coping method is doing his own thing as a distraction, it kind of let me tend to myself, make me realize (or my mind at least tricks me to realize) that I don't really need him. That there are millions of others out there who can also make me happy and I settled too fast. My biggest issue with love before feeling it was the question of "how do you know?". And that question was answered with Chris, that you just feel it. You know. But now I do not know, and so I'm ready to run. I'm ready to do what my dad did to me those years ago.
I'm selfish. I want to leave, but I don't want to lose him. I'm not ready to lose him, I'm still in love with him as much as it sounds like I'm not but I love that person who was constantly surprising me, constantly making me laugh and smile. This person now just does his own thing constantly, like it would make no difference whether I'm there or not.
I talk. I say exactly what is on my mind and I believe this is a quality Chris loves about me. Right now I really hate that part of me. Last night I was about to explode with all my horrible thoughts of wanting to run so I started talking to Chris about them. I just wanted to let him know that I'm not ready to commit forever, but I still love him and want to be with him but the person he became under stress I want nothing to do with.
We had this conversation at about 5am, probably not the best time. I know I hurt him. I was crying the whole way through because hearing those words, saying it was going to end hurt me just as much. I'm still in love with the feeling of being in love, I'm still in love with the man I fell in love with, I'm just afraid of being with someone forever. I know this isn't fair to him, he's just going through a rough patch and I'm only making it harder. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have a 6 month lease and I really want to stick it out until it's over. I'm afraid he does not.
I'm not ready to lose him. I'm so fucking selfish, I can't believe myself. Nothing is ever enough for me. I'm such an attention whore and I need to learn how to just be content with what I have. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him I didn't want forever, I think I might have lost him.
We finally fell asleep. He held me to sleep because I asked him too, he held tight and it was the most love I felt from him in a long time. We fucked, think it would be good after that? Wrong. I have a problem with sex, always have. This might be too much info, but I'm venting and this is necessary. I'm extremely tight, I lost my virginity to Chris and there has only been a few times where it felt good. I don't enjoy sex most of the time and I have never come. I think something is wrong with me to be honest, I think I might even be lesbian. I hate the feeling of a dick being forced inside me and I hate dicks in general, they make me squirmish. I'm not sure if this is just me being a prude virgin or if this is going to be me for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy sex more than anything, but I don't and it frustrates me more than you know.
So we had sex for a bit until I couldn't take the pain any longer and then the tension continued. Luckily I fell asleep in his arms and hoped things would be fine this morning, hoped that I wouldn't have to even right this blog today. But that wasn't the case. We woke up, I said good morning and he didn't say a word to me. He got up, I asked him where he was going and I was ignored. He showered, got dressed as I started writing this blog and just took off without saying goodbye.
I'm crying now. I don't know what to do. I hate being in love with him right now. My life would be 100% easier if I wasn't still in love, I would be able to get up and leave and not care. That's what he wants to do, he wants to move back home and end the lease but I can't do that. I have no where to go, and I don't know where I would be if he just left. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on to that person I started dating 6 months ago.
I'm going to end this rant. Please keep destructive comments to yourself, I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat who wants her way but I'm already beating myself up about it. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. I want my mind to shut up again. I want him to hold me, I want everything to go back to how they were. When we were in love.
I'm still holding on...
Growing up as a child my dad never stuck around. He always got me excited for dissapointment and then one day he took off and left. Two years later he decided that he did want to raise my sister and I and came back acting as if nothing had ever happened. I felt resentment towards this, I didn't think it was fair for him to so easily get that second chance when he took off and left and stopped answering calls. I blocked my father from my life for almost a year.
At the time I didn't entirely know why I blocked him out of my life. The first time I saw him was THIS father's day. This is all very recent, and even then I still didn't want to see him. He never abused me physically, and he's an all around good guy so I never understood why I pushed him so far out of my life until now.
My dad is a flake, yes. But now I realize so am I. I think I was running from something that related to me. I didn't want to be that person so afraid of commitment, that person who at any given moment could take off, leave a family who loved him behind and never speak to them again. I never want to be that person and I am now seeing characteristics of that unstable, horrible person in myself and I want to explode.
Last night I told Chris I didn't want to be with him forever anymore. It has always been forever with the two of us, from day one I told him I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I just felt it in my heart that I found the best. I know I probably spoke too soon, but this is coming from someone who didn't believe in love and when I felt it, I knew I never wanted to not have that in my life. I have learned with my dads 2 wives, and my mothers 2 husbands that love is replaceable. I wanted to make a change in that, I wanted to prove that love meant I wanted to be with them forever so I wasn't afraid to say it at the time. I found love and I was about to keep him for the rest of my life.
As most of you know we officially moved in together about a little over 3 weeks ago. We have technically lived together for our entire relationship, but this time we actually signed a lease a moved about 40 miles away from anyone we know. We wanted to start our lives, our new lives on our own without any other distraction.
Since we moved in together, things have been getting shaky. May be a shocker for those who follow, because I never state the bad times, but Chris needing to find a job has really stressed him out to the point where we never do things together. We had a plan to go to Disneyland (you did somewhat hear about my trip). My mom made an extra $100 so Chris could go too but instead decided we needed that extra $100 for something more important, like rent and food.
I know where he's coming from. He's the practical one, always thinking about our necessities to survive, the needs for our relationship to work out. But what he doesn't realize is I honestly do not care if we eat 50 cent pasta every night as long as we get a few experiences in with each other, as long as we suffer with each other.
Isn't that what love is all about? Sticking together even during the roughest times? It makes it so hard because I love him so very much and his coping method to deal with his stress is to put all his time in playing computer games. It makes me see him as irresponsible, and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me anymore because he stopped paying attention to me. I am a huge attention whore, I must admit, but he knows this so to leave me alone for so long, to let my mind do the talking is a really bad thing.
I have always had a problem with my mind. It is like that red devil on my shoulder, yelling at me to escape. It tells me I'm not happy. It tells me I would have more fun if I wasn't in this relationship. It tells me to run and have fun again and be the 19 year old that I am. To stop having to worry about bills, and eating. To be free.
Now, I am NOT one for relationships. That's why the day I asked to be exclusive with Chris still surprises me to this day. I never wanted to be anyones. I was my own person, free to do what I wanted to do at the moment I wanted to do them. I never had someone telling me I couldn't go out and get wasted. My parents weren't there for that, and so I did as I pleased every single night. Chris removed me from that crazy lifestyle and I still thank him for that, and I definitely do not regret being his. As a matter of fact, I love being his.
If you have ever seen the movie (500) Days of Summer you would sort of understand. I'm a lot like Zooey Deschanel's character in many movies. In (500) Days of Summer she especially leads my lifestyle of (SPOILER ALERT!!!! SCROLL DOWN TO NEXT PARAGRAPH!) never commiting and then finding that one and marrying them. I thought that was Chris to be honest, I thought he was the one because he turned my evil thoughts off. When he held me I could sleep because I would no longer be thinking, when we went out or spent time together in the house I would never think about not ever being with anyone else because I didn't care for being with anyone else. He made me happy, and for the first time in my entire life that is all that mattered.
This is where the conflict comes in. Since his coping method is doing his own thing as a distraction, it kind of let me tend to myself, make me realize (or my mind at least tricks me to realize) that I don't really need him. That there are millions of others out there who can also make me happy and I settled too fast. My biggest issue with love before feeling it was the question of "how do you know?". And that question was answered with Chris, that you just feel it. You know. But now I do not know, and so I'm ready to run. I'm ready to do what my dad did to me those years ago.
I'm selfish. I want to leave, but I don't want to lose him. I'm not ready to lose him, I'm still in love with him as much as it sounds like I'm not but I love that person who was constantly surprising me, constantly making me laugh and smile. This person now just does his own thing constantly, like it would make no difference whether I'm there or not.
I talk. I say exactly what is on my mind and I believe this is a quality Chris loves about me. Right now I really hate that part of me. Last night I was about to explode with all my horrible thoughts of wanting to run so I started talking to Chris about them. I just wanted to let him know that I'm not ready to commit forever, but I still love him and want to be with him but the person he became under stress I want nothing to do with.
We had this conversation at about 5am, probably not the best time. I know I hurt him. I was crying the whole way through because hearing those words, saying it was going to end hurt me just as much. I'm still in love with the feeling of being in love, I'm still in love with the man I fell in love with, I'm just afraid of being with someone forever. I know this isn't fair to him, he's just going through a rough patch and I'm only making it harder. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have a 6 month lease and I really want to stick it out until it's over. I'm afraid he does not.
I'm not ready to lose him. I'm so fucking selfish, I can't believe myself. Nothing is ever enough for me. I'm such an attention whore and I need to learn how to just be content with what I have. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him I didn't want forever, I think I might have lost him.
We finally fell asleep. He held me to sleep because I asked him too, he held tight and it was the most love I felt from him in a long time. We fucked, think it would be good after that? Wrong. I have a problem with sex, always have. This might be too much info, but I'm venting and this is necessary. I'm extremely tight, I lost my virginity to Chris and there has only been a few times where it felt good. I don't enjoy sex most of the time and I have never come. I think something is wrong with me to be honest, I think I might even be lesbian. I hate the feeling of a dick being forced inside me and I hate dicks in general, they make me squirmish. I'm not sure if this is just me being a prude virgin or if this is going to be me for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy sex more than anything, but I don't and it frustrates me more than you know.
So we had sex for a bit until I couldn't take the pain any longer and then the tension continued. Luckily I fell asleep in his arms and hoped things would be fine this morning, hoped that I wouldn't have to even right this blog today. But that wasn't the case. We woke up, I said good morning and he didn't say a word to me. He got up, I asked him where he was going and I was ignored. He showered, got dressed as I started writing this blog and just took off without saying goodbye.
I'm crying now. I don't know what to do. I hate being in love with him right now. My life would be 100% easier if I wasn't still in love, I would be able to get up and leave and not care. That's what he wants to do, he wants to move back home and end the lease but I can't do that. I have no where to go, and I don't know where I would be if he just left. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on to that person I started dating 6 months ago.
I'm going to end this rant. Please keep destructive comments to yourself, I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat who wants her way but I'm already beating myself up about it. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. I want my mind to shut up again. I want him to hold me, I want everything to go back to how they were. When we were in love.
I'm still holding on...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Happily Ever After?
I meant to post this blog right after the awful incident but I swear I have been busy. I work for my uncle, meaning I do whatever random task he needs me to do. Lately, I have been going to places such as the beach, sea world, and even Disneyland for work. All I have to do is keep an eye on his very removed nephew (my very removed cousin) who doesn't speak much English. Easy task, just time consuming days.
Anyways, I think I was actually punished this time. Chris says it was a maintenance but I'm pretty sure you don't cry from a reminder. I guess it is his way of telling me it can be a lot worse, I need to keep my butt in line!
I had a really bad day on Saturday. Chris had work from about 8am - 9pm, and I was off. I wrote a blog that day complaining about his job, but that day was the worst day of my life. I woke up missing him. My kitten was still at the vet (he's back home now, and he's a crazy little pest but that means he's healthy :)) so I had no one to keep me company. Now, when I'm bored and by myself my mind takes me to the worst place possible. I start thinking about things that I don't even believe in. I start doubting Chris's love for me, I start believing that he will never have time with me, and even if he did have time with me he wouldn't want it anymore. I started thinking that Chris purposely got a time consuming job so he wouldn't have to put up with me. I hate my mind.
Anyways, all these thoughts got me wanting more, I felt the need to find attention elsewhere and this even upset myself at the time. Chris and I just moved in to our own place together a few weeks ago and I'm already ruining our relationship by looking for someone else to talk to and take control. I don't know what I was thinking, I honestly wasn't thinking correctly.
I felt guilty and mad at myself. I went on different bdsm websites and read different articles and even put up my own forum. I just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me I was in trouble. Even during all of this however, I wanted to be punished by Chris and ONLY Chris but I needed to hear I was in trouble to stop thinking the way I was. To my surprise, everyone on the forum told me to write down exactly how I felt, and all the rules I had broken and to send it to Chris. They were all respectful and I'm so grateful for that now. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have obeyed any random online Master's demands, but I'm glad they didn't go there and kind of snapped me back into reality at the same time.
So I did just that, I wrote an email saying how I felt and how I need to be reminded that I'm his and ONLY his. I kinda sort of even touched myself that day, big no-no, which I have known not to do since the beginning.
So as you can imagine, Chris was a little, or a lot, fed up with me. I didn't realize it while I was being a horrible kitten, but I hurt him with my actions. I don't want him to ever feel replaceable in my book, because honestly he isn't. I just went to a very, very dark place and made myself believe that Chris didn't care, that he didn't want me anymore.
Now, on to the punishment, or "maintenance" as he would say.
After all the build up from earlier, I felt so guilty, I didn't want to hurt him and I felt dumb for ever looking for more. It was just bad. He got home and sent me to my corner. I didn't want to be there anymore, I was scared, I just wanted to be held and loved and I wanted him to forgive me more than anything. Being spanked was the last thing I wanted at that moment.
He pulled me out of the corner and over his lap. He always starts spanking with the wooden spoon, no warm-ups just SPANK SPANK SPANK.
It hurt more than usual. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to be spanked, or if he was spanking harder than usual but I couldn't keep still at all. After a while, he told me to get in Position 1. Position 1 is basically me just on my knees. I quickly got in position, hoping it was over and he grabbed this big pillow and had me lie across it. He put his hand on the small of my back and continued spanking hard.
I kept twisting and kicking. There was no way I was about to submit, I don't know what was wrong with me. My mind was telling me I didn't want it and to flee. Maybe I needed the hardest spanking of my life to realize he was the one calling the shots. He ignored my pleas to stop and continued just as hard.
"You have known not to touch yourself for months now, so you're going to feel this for a long time. Do you understand?"
":( Yes Sir.."
"Wrong." SMACK!
"Yes Master!"
He told me not too long ago that when he asks me if I understand something I am to answer him with a 'yes Master' so he knows I'm paying close attention. As you can tell already, I'm not very good at this.
So I felt it, I felt it for a very long time. I kept trying to cross my legs to ignore the pain but he kept swatting at my legs owwwww and continuing on. He didn't hold back at all, or at least it didn't feel like it. It continued to go on forever and I felt like crying but for some reason I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to become that weak at that moment.
He finally stopped, and I thought it was over. This spanking never ended I swear!
"We're almost done kitten. Just 100 swats, 50 on each side and we are done."
100!?! I have only endured 60, not so hard, ones. And those were in intervals of 20. Now he wants to do a full 100!?!
"Yes Sir... :("
"Do you understand?"
"Yes Sir." fuck
SMACK!
"YES MASTER!"
"Good kitten. And if you move, put your hands back, whine, or lose count we're starting over. Do you understand?"
"Yes Master." I'm getting good at this ;)
"Ready?" SMACK!
"ONE, I will obey!" SMACK!
"TWO, I will obey!"
It took forever. At one point I just couldn't take it anymore. I apologized and told him I couldn't take it.
"FIFTY! I will obey! Owww, I'm sorry I can't do this. :("
And then he stopped.
Is it over? He rubbed my butt for a second and asked me if I was getting the message. I sadly said yes and that I loved him and thanked him for stopping. I was so out of breath, my bum was stinging. It didn't even go numb this time. It just hurt.
"You have fifty more, are you ready?"
Now this even surprised me. I honestly thought he was going to let me go. It was still a pretty badpunishment maintenance and I had already learned my lesson. But he said 100, and 100 it is.
The next 50 were just as painful and it took just as long. I still wasn't in tears though, my eyes watered but I wasn't crying just yet. He lifted me up and sent me to my corner.
He followed me to my corner and started lecturing me. And then it hit me hard, I started bawling. Just crying non-stop. I was too weak and vulnerable to hold back my tears anymore. I felt so bad, I felt like I deserved the spanking and I was so sorry. I remember the exact line that sent the fountains running:
"kitten, you could have asked to play with yourself and you wouldn't have had such a bad spanking."
Stupid, stupid kitty. Why am I so stupid sometimes? He's fair. I say how unfair he is all the time, but the man is fair. I could have avoided it and I felt so dumb, so stupid that I couldn't help but cry.
I was in the corner for about 3 minutes and then.
"Kitten, get out! Your friends are here."
Huh? I'm not ready to get out yet. Do you see the tears flowing on my face? My friends are here!? .....
Anyways, I think I was actually punished this time. Chris says it was a maintenance but I'm pretty sure you don't cry from a reminder. I guess it is his way of telling me it can be a lot worse, I need to keep my butt in line!
I had a really bad day on Saturday. Chris had work from about 8am - 9pm, and I was off. I wrote a blog that day complaining about his job, but that day was the worst day of my life. I woke up missing him. My kitten was still at the vet (he's back home now, and he's a crazy little pest but that means he's healthy :)) so I had no one to keep me company. Now, when I'm bored and by myself my mind takes me to the worst place possible. I start thinking about things that I don't even believe in. I start doubting Chris's love for me, I start believing that he will never have time with me, and even if he did have time with me he wouldn't want it anymore. I started thinking that Chris purposely got a time consuming job so he wouldn't have to put up with me. I hate my mind.
I felt guilty and mad at myself. I went on different bdsm websites and read different articles and even put up my own forum. I just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me I was in trouble. Even during all of this however, I wanted to be punished by Chris and ONLY Chris but I needed to hear I was in trouble to stop thinking the way I was. To my surprise, everyone on the forum told me to write down exactly how I felt, and all the rules I had broken and to send it to Chris. They were all respectful and I'm so grateful for that now. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have obeyed any random online Master's demands, but I'm glad they didn't go there and kind of snapped me back into reality at the same time.
So I did just that, I wrote an email saying how I felt and how I need to be reminded that I'm his and ONLY his. I kinda sort of even touched myself that day, big no-no, which I have known not to do since the beginning.
So as you can imagine, Chris was a little, or a lot, fed up with me. I didn't realize it while I was being a horrible kitten, but I hurt him with my actions. I don't want him to ever feel replaceable in my book, because honestly he isn't. I just went to a very, very dark place and made myself believe that Chris didn't care, that he didn't want me anymore.
Now, on to the punishment, or "maintenance" as he would say.
After all the build up from earlier, I felt so guilty, I didn't want to hurt him and I felt dumb for ever looking for more. It was just bad. He got home and sent me to my corner. I didn't want to be there anymore, I was scared, I just wanted to be held and loved and I wanted him to forgive me more than anything. Being spanked was the last thing I wanted at that moment.
He pulled me out of the corner and over his lap. He always starts spanking with the wooden spoon, no warm-ups just SPANK SPANK SPANK.
I kept twisting and kicking. There was no way I was about to submit, I don't know what was wrong with me. My mind was telling me I didn't want it and to flee. Maybe I needed the hardest spanking of my life to realize he was the one calling the shots. He ignored my pleas to stop and continued just as hard.
"You have known not to touch yourself for months now, so you're going to feel this for a long time. Do you understand?"
":( Yes Sir.."
"Wrong." SMACK!
"Yes Master!"
He told me not too long ago that when he asks me if I understand something I am to answer him with a 'yes Master' so he knows I'm paying close attention. As you can tell already, I'm not very good at this.
He finally stopped, and I thought it was over. This spanking never ended I swear!
"We're almost done kitten. Just 100 swats, 50 on each side and we are done."
100!?! I have only endured 60, not so hard, ones. And those were in intervals of 20. Now he wants to do a full 100!?!
"Yes Sir... :("
"Do you understand?"
"Yes Sir." fuck
SMACK!
"YES MASTER!"
"Good kitten. And if you move, put your hands back, whine, or lose count we're starting over. Do you understand?"
"Yes Master." I'm getting good at this ;)
"Ready?" SMACK!
"ONE, I will obey!" SMACK!
"TWO, I will obey!"
It took forever. At one point I just couldn't take it anymore. I apologized and told him I couldn't take it.
"FIFTY! I will obey! Owww, I'm sorry I can't do this. :("
And then he stopped.
Is it over? He rubbed my butt for a second and asked me if I was getting the message. I sadly said yes and that I loved him and thanked him for stopping. I was so out of breath, my bum was stinging. It didn't even go numb this time. It just hurt.
"You have fifty more, are you ready?"
Now this even surprised me. I honestly thought he was going to let me go. It was still a pretty bad
The next 50 were just as painful and it took just as long. I still wasn't in tears though, my eyes watered but I wasn't crying just yet. He lifted me up and sent me to my corner.
He followed me to my corner and started lecturing me. And then it hit me hard, I started bawling. Just crying non-stop. I was too weak and vulnerable to hold back my tears anymore. I felt so bad, I felt like I deserved the spanking and I was so sorry. I remember the exact line that sent the fountains running:
"kitten, you could have asked to play with yourself and you wouldn't have had such a bad spanking."
Stupid, stupid kitty. Why am I so stupid sometimes? He's fair. I say how unfair he is all the time, but the man is fair. I could have avoided it and I felt so dumb, so stupid that I couldn't help but cry.I was in the corner for about 3 minutes and then.
"Kitten, get out! Your friends are here."
Huh? I'm not ready to get out yet. Do you see the tears flowing on my face? My friends are here!? .....
The day after I went to Disneyland, with a bruised bottom...
I promise you I will behave for a long while.
I promise you I will behave for a long while.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Lonely Saturday
We got a kitten for me so I wouldn't be so lonely but lately he has been sick. He won't eat on his own, and I'm so worried about the poor guy. Yesterday we brought him to the vet and they want to keep him there until Monday. :( I miss my Mowgli, he kept me company while Chris was away and now all I have is myself. Any suggestions on how to pass the time when your man is busy working?
Anyways, I figured I would take this time to report the follow up spanking. That morning Chris went to work (I have work on weekdays but he usually starts before me). I wake up to a text that reads:
"Before you leave please clean the kitchen." there were messy dishes still in the sink left from last night "I command you to do so. Also stand in your corner for 5 minutes and remember what we talked about last night. Let me know when you have these tasks done."
Now, this startled me big time. Chris is a dominant person, but never have I ever seen him use his authority like that. Standing in the corner is my least favorite thing and without him watching, I was NOT about to waste time doing it. I cleaned the kitchen, cleaned our kittens litter box, took a shower, check some blogs maybe... heh, and then before I knew it the time read 9:58 and my uncle was to pick me up at 10.
I had the perfect excuse, I was able to say I didn't have enough time so I ran with it. Wrong, the new Chris doesn't take excuses anymore and besides he knows me too well, he knew I could have had time if I really wanted to. :/
That day for work I went to the beach with my uncles super distant nephew, so my super distant cousin?, who doesn't speak any English. Working for my uncle means I'm subject to do anything, it's kind of nice getting paid to go to the beach. While there, I was to text C every hour, not drink any soda and have at least one serving of fruit and vegetable.The day was long and the sun beat hard. It was difficult for me to be at the beach with some kid who was unnable to talk to me, and without my Master by my side. The day was long, and Chris finally came home around 10pm so happy to see me. :)
That moment when he came home and held me in his arms and told me he missed me was incredible. I kinda did a booboo and yelled and demanded, just like the night before, about him going on his computer and neglecting me. :(
Now, I thought the spoon hurt but I'm afraid I have another enemy. He gave me a few swats, no more than 15 with my pants on and everything and that thing made me yelp. I'm usually pretty good at staying quiet besides a few helpless pleads. But I could not control myself with this thing, it stung so much with every swing and I was feeling weaker by the second.
That night I got spanked on four different occasions for one thing or another. He's so good at being consistent all of a sudden, I say one thing he doesn't like and it's over his knee for me.
We were about to go to bed, I felt exhausted and it was growing late and he leans over to me and says:
"Do you really think you're going to go to bed without being punished for disobeying me this morning? You "didn't have time" for your corner, you didn't eat any fruits or vegetables and forgot to text me for 2 hours."
I was seriously shaky. This was NOT happening. :(
"Can you please please please not use the cat toy Master?"
"Of course not, I'm planning that for another day." He's evil, yet kind?
phew.
I crawl over his lap, I figure it would be worst if I resisted and I knew there was no way out of this. I remember not to long ago me fighting the spanking and him being all fine with it. Ha. Once upon a time.
This spanking hurt, BAD. It wasn't that long, I think he was ready for bed also but he gave me a last 15 to count out and he made sure to make those sting. I could hear the snap of the spoon fall down on me and make sure I couldn't leave the moment.I was sent to my corner directly after. I talked out of turn, and he quickly came over, yanked my pants back to the ground and used his hand on me. What is his obsession with spanking me in the corner? I have yet to know.
"Kitten, when you are in the corner you are to be the most submissive you have ever been. You only talk when spoken to, and you are to stand straight, stare at the wall and think about what you have done and how to improve. Am I clear?"
"Yes Sir."
Oh where, oh where has my sweetie Chris gone?
I am finally free from the corner, snuggle in his arms.
"Have you brushed your teeth?" He's super on top of that too.
"No.... I'm tired though. :( Can I just do it tomorrow?"
"Do you want me to wake you up again with another spanking?"
I get up, ugggghhhh... (I actually said that aloud).
He follows me to the bathroom, gives me two HARD warning spanks and tells me.
"When I tell you to do something I expect you to get up with a 'Yes Sir' and nothing more. Do you understand?"
"Yes Sir!"
Zzzzzzzzzz.....
Friday, July 8, 2011
I'm Not Afraid of You!
I think the worst thing you could ever say to your Master is "you don't scare me enough to obey". And of course I crossed that line. Last night I got one of the biggest spankings of my life, but I'm going to bore you with the buildup first.
For the past few days Chris and I have not been getting along, still very much in love, but non stop arguments to the point where we stopped talking to each other. Those of you who have been following know we just moved in together and for some reason, you would think the exact opposite, we have been spending even less time with each other. Stress became overpowering and when Chris stresses out, he shuts down. Maybe it's a guy thing, something I will never understand, but when he is stressed he needs time for himself, to think things through. I'm the exact opposite, when I'm stressed out all I want is his comfort so I don't have to think about how stressed out I am. We're like magnets but in my girl world we're a negative an a positive so I feel the force drawn to him, and he's two negative magnets, wants as far away from me, or any other human being for that matter, as possible.
Because of my magnetic need for him, and his magnetic need to be distant I have been extremely frustrated and a frustrated kitty only leads to a naughty kitten. I forget completely how our lifestyle works, I see us as equal and I complain and complain and demand how he's not being fair to me. I sass and yell at him to comfort me. Why am I so stupid sometimes?!
Anyways, I just had it at Albertsons while we were picking up some food.
"Kitten, stop being so demanding!"
"I'm a demanding person, I can't help it!" *turns back and walks away*
Frustrated Master. :( He grabs me and holds me still in the middle of the store.
"I honestly don't know what to do with you anymore, you don't know your place." I'm so smart.
"Well why don't you show me this place? Do you even know how? I'm not afraid of you."
"You dug yourself in a deep hole."
*End of conversation*
Me being the lion I am, yup, was still unafraid. I knew he wasn't actually going to do anything about it. I mean, he hasn't ever punished me bad enough for me to actually fear him. Yeah, I've had some pretty tough maintenance spankings but I'm still alive to tell the tale and not a single tear was shed. We got home, and of course like I had predicted no spanking took place. He was back in his 'ignoring' mood (the way I see his 'needing space' mood) and turned on his computer and turned on one of his boy games. I just had it at that point, I mean deep down I was hoping there was going to be change and he would punish me like he promised so I lost it. I didn't hold back at all and yelled and demanded him to get off the computer, go to the bedroom with me and watch some 'Weeds' (fucking amazing show).
He followed me to the bedroom alright, wooden spoon in hand (he keeps it by the window pane).
"Come here!" signals towards bed
"Huh?"
"Come... here..."
I come.
"Now kitten, do you know what you've done?"
"Yes Sir..." sass still in my tone
*SMACK!*
Now I don't think Chris believes in warm-ups. I was already bare bottomed across his lap and he already swung with that merciless wooden spoon.
After that he just kept smacking, over and over again and made sure I told him over and over again what I was doing right. I swear I have had to say: 1. I will not be demanding, 2. I will not raise my voice and 3. I will not be sassy. Over and over again. He drilled it hard into my head, or should I say my ass.
After a while it went numb. Now all you spankos out there may think I'm a newbie when it comes to spankings and you guys go numb all the time, but that was the very first time that has ever happened. I didn't even know it went numb. I'm so glad it did though, I honestly don't think I would have been able to last if it didn't.
After what I felt was forever, he told me to get up and go to my corner. Now this is the weird part, in my opinion, I couldn't move. I laid there still for a second until I heard: Do you want more?! *WHACK* meow :(
So I get up, extremely dizzy. Is this normal?! And went to my corner. I leaned on the sides of the walls because I felt too weak to hold myself up. He comes by, I see him in the shadow against the wall and tells me to stand up straight, arms by my side.
I whine.
He comes back with the spoon. More spanks! Coome onnnnn. Once in the corner, isn't the punishment over? That's not how it works in our house. My feet started denting the carpet, I felt bad for not believing in him and I almost started crying when he pulled me out and held me. That's such a crazy feeling, that moment he holds you and you feel like everything is going to be ok.
He leaves the room, I lie there by myself. He squirts lotion on my burning bum and asks me how it feels. It actually felt good, and told him the truth. Now I know my boyfriend is a monster for sure, he was hoping it would sting. -______-
I'm extremely tired and I actually just suffered another spanking just now which was shorter but not sweeter. :/
To resume tomorrow...
For the past few days Chris and I have not been getting along, still very much in love, but non stop arguments to the point where we stopped talking to each other. Those of you who have been following know we just moved in together and for some reason, you would think the exact opposite, we have been spending even less time with each other. Stress became overpowering and when Chris stresses out, he shuts down. Maybe it's a guy thing, something I will never understand, but when he is stressed he needs time for himself, to think things through. I'm the exact opposite, when I'm stressed out all I want is his comfort so I don't have to think about how stressed out I am. We're like magnets but in my girl world we're a negative an a positive so I feel the force drawn to him, and he's two negative magnets, wants as far away from me, or any other human being for that matter, as possible.
Because of my magnetic need for him, and his magnetic need to be distant I have been extremely frustrated and a frustrated kitty only leads to a naughty kitten. I forget completely how our lifestyle works, I see us as equal and I complain and complain and demand how he's not being fair to me. I sass and yell at him to comfort me. Why am I so stupid sometimes?!
Anyways, I just had it at Albertsons while we were picking up some food.
"Kitten, stop being so demanding!"
"I'm a demanding person, I can't help it!" *turns back and walks away*
Frustrated Master. :( He grabs me and holds me still in the middle of the store.
"I honestly don't know what to do with you anymore, you don't know your place." I'm so smart.
"Well why don't you show me this place? Do you even know how? I'm not afraid of you."
"You dug yourself in a deep hole."
*End of conversation*
Me being the lion I am, yup, was still unafraid. I knew he wasn't actually going to do anything about it. I mean, he hasn't ever punished me bad enough for me to actually fear him. Yeah, I've had some pretty tough maintenance spankings but I'm still alive to tell the tale and not a single tear was shed. We got home, and of course like I had predicted no spanking took place. He was back in his 'ignoring' mood (the way I see his 'needing space' mood) and turned on his computer and turned on one of his boy games. I just had it at that point, I mean deep down I was hoping there was going to be change and he would punish me like he promised so I lost it. I didn't hold back at all and yelled and demanded him to get off the computer, go to the bedroom with me and watch some 'Weeds' (fucking amazing show).
He followed me to the bedroom alright, wooden spoon in hand (he keeps it by the window pane).
"Come here!" signals towards bed
"Huh?"
"Come... here..."
I come.
"Now kitten, do you know what you've done?"
"Yes Sir..." sass still in my tone
*SMACK!*
Now I don't think Chris believes in warm-ups. I was already bare bottomed across his lap and he already swung with that merciless wooden spoon.
After that he just kept smacking, over and over again and made sure I told him over and over again what I was doing right. I swear I have had to say: 1. I will not be demanding, 2. I will not raise my voice and 3. I will not be sassy. Over and over again. He drilled it hard into my head, or should I say my ass.
After a while it went numb. Now all you spankos out there may think I'm a newbie when it comes to spankings and you guys go numb all the time, but that was the very first time that has ever happened. I didn't even know it went numb. I'm so glad it did though, I honestly don't think I would have been able to last if it didn't.
After what I felt was forever, he told me to get up and go to my corner. Now this is the weird part, in my opinion, I couldn't move. I laid there still for a second until I heard: Do you want more?! *WHACK* meow :(
So I get up, extremely dizzy. Is this normal?! And went to my corner. I leaned on the sides of the walls because I felt too weak to hold myself up. He comes by, I see him in the shadow against the wall and tells me to stand up straight, arms by my side.
I whine.He comes back with the spoon. More spanks! Coome onnnnn. Once in the corner, isn't the punishment over? That's not how it works in our house. My feet started denting the carpet, I felt bad for not believing in him and I almost started crying when he pulled me out and held me. That's such a crazy feeling, that moment he holds you and you feel like everything is going to be ok.
He leaves the room, I lie there by myself. He squirts lotion on my burning bum and asks me how it feels. It actually felt good, and told him the truth. Now I know my boyfriend is a monster for sure, he was hoping it would sting. -______-
I'm extremely tired and I actually just suffered another spanking just now which was shorter but not sweeter. :/
To resume tomorrow...
Sunday, July 3, 2011
New Kitten In Town
I HATE THAT SPOON!
So at first I didn't mind it so much, little tap taps here and there were kind of fun. But Chris is no longer messing around, I'm no longer allowed to EVER raise my voice at him, demand anything (even playfully which I do very often), or deny a kiss (even though I do it a teasing manner). These are the 3 main ones we are working on so far. The first time I did all 3, it was 5 swats for each. I thought, wow, no biggie. Now, here is the catch. He decided he would double them every time I broke one of the 3 rules, so the next demand I had costed me 20, and then 40 and so on. Let's just say next time I ever raise my voice or demand something it's 80, for each. THAT'S 160!!
Graaah. Frustrating. It hurts. :(
On a better, or not so better note, we got a kitten two days ago. He's seriously the most adorable thing ever! He's asleep next to the desktop right now, I'll snap a picture....
Cute huh? There's a new kitten in town! I swear I'm going to get in a lot of trouble because of him. Last night the little twerp (his name is Mowgli) decided to pee on our bed. Of course Chris was not happy at all. This is his first cat, so I feel like he's training him like a dog and it really bothers me because that's not how you treat a cat. You can't just put an indoor cat outside for being bad, or yell/scold him. Cats are too prissy. I have always grown up with cats so I know that the only way to make the stubborn things do what you want is through love and repitition. Last night we had him locked in the bathroom but I woke up this morning to his cute little meows at 9am to release him. Chris wasn't too happy and my attitude didn't help.
I just don't know what to do. It feels almost like child abuse. This is my baby, and I'm going to take care of him even if he does a little accident. I've been repeatedly showing him his litter box, making sure he knows how to use it. I even taught the darn thing how to drink water today. He's a baby, and I love him but I love Chris more. I'm ranting, but the point is I would choose my Master over my kitten and so I have these feelings on wanting to give up on my baby to make C happy but gakhalifhjao. End rant.Thanks for listening to my brain explode, I sure don't want to hear all this guilt anymore. I begged and begged for the precious kitten (he was free off of craigslist) but didn't realize how expensive raising a "child" is. The poor thing. :(
Chris is still asleep. I think he is avoiding me. I think he'd rather sleep than fight with me. I think this, because I do it all the time. Rats.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)