Sunday, March 25, 2012


Uh oh, and this is where I start to get myself into trouble.

I think I'm a needy girl. I wake up to my boyfriends kiss goodbye, and there I'm left alone. I need attention, attention I can't get. And then I make fake fetlife accounts where I can get attention without feeling like I'm the one getting in trouble; SHE is. But then I receive the spanking. My plans always seem to fail me.

I haven't done anything wrong... yet. I need that attention but I'm blogging instead, trying to tear myself away from that. Master isn't texting me back, and it's making it really hard for me to control myself. I'm sorry for sounding like a bratty little girl who wants her drugs, but I swear I'm addicted to that attention.

When Master was away for the weekend, and he told me I was allowed to go on my fake fetlife account while he was gone, that's all I did. The moment after he left the house, I logged on and I didn't get off until he came home. I didn't leave the house, I hardly ate. I would wake up in the middle of the night to check it, and I had a hard time going to bed. It was rather disgusting actually and I swore to never let it consume me like that again, and I have stuck to that. It was pretty nasty.

And now here I am, wanting to be that center of attention but can't be.

Sigh.... I'm terrible sometimes.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Ripped, yet Fixed?

Since I didn't blog directly the day after like I said I would, I'm going to recap the last few days.

I also didn't blog the day after, because I didn't get my spanking. I was of course somewhat disappointed. All day I had been anticipating the worst spanking of my life (since we're changing our lifestyle in that direction) and he gets home, I don't mention it, we start watching TV and then we go to bed.

Of course while in bed I can't keep my feelings from gushing out of my body language. He asks me what's wrong, I'm too embarrased to say, and he goes: "I didn't forget about your spanking. I'm just really tired tonight, you'll be getting it tomorrow." Uh oh... I thought to myself.

Tomorrow comes around. I get spanked that night right before bed. I don't even remember it. It obviously was NOT the worst spanking of my life...

The next day is Wednesday. I'm stressed out with work, with school, with my obnoxious uncle who is "trying to teach me discipline" (those were his actual words, not mine). I asked for a stress relief spanking. We haven't explored this much, and I think it's about time we did. He confessed he didn't know how, and so I said we should research. He took that opportunity to research and leave me out of it. Hmmph.

He gave me my 'stress reliever' and once again I don't think it was long enough of stress relieving enough because I was stil overwhelmed afterwards.

That brings us to last night. He was at work, I was home alone after a long day at my job. I'm a bit addicted to spanking videos, and I came across the professional spanker Kyle Johnson. He is know for helping girls break their habits and be the best they can be. He also does couple counciling. We need counciling, we both do. You know how I said we found a mentor? Well that mentor has been MIA for the last week and it has seriously put me on edge. So I started talking to Kyle on fetlife, I knew that I wasn't supposed to talk to other guys but I have a hard time finding a solution to something like 'finding a mentor' if I can't talk to them.

I'm probably the most honest submissive ever. I'm just really bad at hiding things and I never lie, it's not in my nature. So of course, as soon as Master gets home I let him know I broke a rule and started talking to this man. He was cooking dinner and I could tell growing very upset with me. I hate when he's upset with me, I feel so guilty and unloved. :( We watched a TV show and ate dinner in silence. He mentioned during commercials that I was going to be punished for this, and my body tensed up due to the tone of his voice...

After the TV show, I knew what was going to happen. I knew he was going to stand up, take me by the hand, lead me to the bedroom and I was going to regret not being able to control myself. But that didn't happen. This is where I grow frustrated.

After the TV show he turns on Skyrim, a video game we're both very much addicted to and starts playing. I'm being obviously very pouty but he doesn't say a word or notice. Then I lose control.

"So is this how it's going to be!?"


"You're just going to put my spanking off again and then be too tired to actually punish me?"


He stands up.
Well, fuck.

He grabs me by the hand.

"You asked for this kitten"

At this point I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy, or scared. I got my way... sort of?

He pulls me over his lap as soon as we get to the bedroom. I cry out:

"You're doing this out of anger now! D:"

"No I'm not kitten. I love you and you're going to learn your lesson."

He lectured for a bit and made me feel really loved over his lap which isn't normally the case. I don't know what happened, but I secretly think he learned something from when I showed him Kyle Johnson's video. Shhh.

He tells me:

"You're going to get the spoon hard, and only the spoon. No warm up. And you are going to take it."


"Yes, Sir..." -gulp-


I'm already squirming and begging him to stop.

"Ok, ok, ok! I've learned my lesson!" is what I say.

I squirm so much, tossing side to side to the point where I fall off of his lap and actually break my undies (picture will be at the bottom). Oops. Then he goes:

"I'm going to try this..."

He was most likely thinking aloud, but next thing I know, one legs clamps down my flailing legs and I am stuck and he keeps whacking at my bum. :(

Is it just me, or does the left side hurt SO much more. It's like I have one super sensitive cheek. I'm wanting to call 'yellow' but only on the left, it makes no sense.

Anyways, he continues for maybe a minute. It was a VERY short spanking to say the least, but it was the most painful one I had in a long time.

"This is nothing kitten. I spare you. Things are going to change around here and you're going to start behaving. This is par, any breaking of rules will result in this as the base, and only get worst from here. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Sir."

"Now, go to your corner and I'll come back for you later."

As I walk to my corner I start smiling. I can't help it!

"Kitten... why are you smiling?"

At the time I didn't know why.

"Umm... because I ripped my panties? :S"

And then I stood in the corner and waited by my lonesome. I realized then that I smiled because he's learning. My Master is finally being that powerful man I feel submissive to and I finally got the spanking that I had coming to me. Yes, it was painful and it would be nice not to go through it, but I don't learn that way. It was such a relief that he took me to that place where I was yelping and squirming and still feeling safe over his lap.

After he came back he led me back to the bed and my heart fell. I thought I was going to be spanked again but I followed. He sat me down and put his arm around me and kissed my neck and cheek. I don't normally get aftercare, but I had been complaining about it for quite some time. :P He showed me so much affection and I felt so close to him. It was so incredible.

I'm not bruised, and my butt is only a little sore this morning. This scares me. How do women take harsh punishments? :o

The picture (I asked for permission, yay for being good) as promised:

Sorry about the bad quality, and the awful lighting and the lack of background. Hopefully we'll be getting a camera (with video :P) soon.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Tonight's the Night for Change

I feel like a big fat liar.
I told you all that I was going to blog consistently, and of course I have not been. Now you see what my Master has to deal with; at times I can be all talk and no action.

Well, I'm back... again. At least I do think about blogging every then and again. But it's hard, and I don't mean to complain in any way, it's just hard when nothing is really changing in your life. I blog, when something happens, and when nothing happens I feel no reason to blog. You can understand that, right? (And I know I'm probably talking to no one but it makes it easier to write when I feel like I'm directing this to someone :P)

I'm here, meaning there HAS been changes. Good ones in fact! :) Master and I have been very cozy and nice lately. I am so very much in love with him and I'm so grateful that we've worked through all of this hardship because this love I feel has been totally worth it. For the most part, anything regarding the lifestyle has been cut out completely, however, he has been more firm with me and much more patient. I haven't been spanked (will be tonight, surprise!) but I feel myself wanting to be submissive more and more and it's an incredible feeling to have.

He told me himself that the reason why we were fighting so much was because he had much higher expectations of me. Expectations as a 20 year old, I should be able to meet, but sadly I can not. He has agreed to remove all of his expectations and start out from the bottom up and I think this has helped us a lot.

We are also talking to someone who is going to help mentor us. He has been a bit MIA for the past few days, but I hope he comes back in the picture soon because I really think he's going to be able to help us. :)

Once things are back in place, and my butt is properly put back in line on a regular basis, I'll blog again. Which will hopefully be soon, very soon.

Anyways, I am awaiting a spanking tonight. I think Master is a bit fed up with my attitude and I don't blame him, I'M fed up with my attitude. I'm nervous, and anxious, yet excited because I'm thinking things will finally stick this time ESPECIALLY with the mentors help to keep us both on track.

P.S. Since we last talked I found out that I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist. So if it's ok with my lovely Master, pictures will soon be posted of my punishments.