I wanted to update everyone.
This is probably going to be my last blog post here. If I do end up making a new blog (probably will and hopefully that one will be updated more often) I'll post the link. But until then, this is farewell.
We broke up, for good, as far as we both know for now. It has been a rough few days for sure. Me being the worst girlfriend/person in the world, I ended things with him on his birthday. I can't help it, I don't know how to bite my tongue and not say exactly what's on my mind, and for whatever reason this day fell on His day.
I have been thinking negatively for several months. We have been fighting, we've been unhappy for several months and I kept ignoring the bad thoughts. I would shove them into a dark corner so I wouldn't have to stress out about them. I lied to everyone, including both him and myself. I was scared, I wanted forever, I missed feeling so in love. I wanted it back.
After I broke up with him, as bad as this is going to sound it's the truth, I felt a sort of relief. I had actually been falling into some sort of a depression and was unaware of it and when I finally ended things for good, I felt this pressure lift off of me. I do love him, he's an amazing man but there are some things that will never work between us, at least not any time soon.
He's close to 4 years older than me, and I know that's not much, ESPECIALLY in our community. But he acts like he's 40. And I don't mean to say that as an insult, it's a good (and sometimes bad quality) and I act like I'm still a child. The point here being is I'm in no way ready to wake up, and I feel forced to while in a relationship with him. We moved to a new city together and I have had a hard time connecting to people because I feel like a married woman. A girl who is no longer permitted to go out and have male friends. It was too much pressure for me.
I think I will always love him, he was my first love, first Master, first everything after all. I think this is why I'm so attached to him (and still am and trying to become dependent finally).
I know I'm rambling, but my head is in knots and it's hard to focus on one thing.
He still lives with me. Last night I told him one of us are going to have to move out ASAP. He tries to hold me and it's the worst pain I have ever felt and I have to be mean, and yell, and tell him to not touch me. It's awful but it's the only way I can survive these last few weeks of school.
School has actually been amazing for me right now. It's such a productive distraction and it helps a lot. I have also been getting really really into Harry Potter. My best friend is a major Harry Potter nerd, and I started reading the books again and it has consumed my life. When I'm not studying or doing homework, I'm reading Harry Potter. I wish I could be magical and whisk my way to Hogwarts and leave this hardship behind.
Anyways, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. What's done is done and we'll both survive it and only be stronger in the end. There are some things I'm not capable of doing with him, such as sex, and he'll finally find a girl that he can fall in love with, who deserves his kind heart. We just weren't meant to be, and I've accepted that. I just hope he does soon. :(
If you read my blog and want to stay in touch feel free to send me a message on fetlife. I'm -lostkitten over there. Do NOT just add me, I'll most likely reject. So let's talk first and once I get to know you better I'll add you. :)