Earlier today we have mutually (for the most part) decided that I don't deserve the freedom of being his sub. A rebellious brat like me deserves nothing more than being his slave and I am going to go start getting treated like one. The idea of being treated like a slave scares me, I never want to be treated badly by Master, but seeing that I have been taking advantage of the freedom he has given me, I am no longer worthy of it.
The past two days I have been doing something that no slave, nor submissive should ever do. I have been looking for guidance from other Masters (mainly Mistress's) to get me back in the swing of being more submissive. I want to be submissive to Chris, but for some reason, I can't explain where it came from because Chris definitely does not deserve the brat I am, but I have grown very stubborn about ever obeying and I go through my day thinking of how I can get away with things rather than searching for opportunities of how I can make his life easier or a simpler word for it: submit to him.
Yes, this sounds horrible to even me but I think it's actually working. This entire six months we have been together, I have always treated the two of us as equals, and I was definitely wrong to do so. When we started falling in love in the beginning, we were both really fond of the idea of him being Master, me being his. We have strayed so far from this concept that I have started to say things like, "I could run our lives better than he can". Boy, was I wrong.
Today after I admitted to my wrong doing of seeking guidance from other forms of authority he sat me down, and I swear I felt glued to my seat. I have never seen Chris use that much authority in his voice, it was the authority I needed to start listening seeing that I wasn't even afraid of misbehaving in the past. I sat there silently, afraid to speak, afraid to move, afraid to breath.
He lectured me for about an hour, how I've been spoiled the last 6 months of our relationship and I agreed. I mean, I definitely have been. I demand him to cuddle me at night, and he cuddles me because he loves me but that is now way someone who is sub to their Master should be treating him. It just never crossed my mind that I was being so controlling from the bottom. I proved I wasn't ready to have freedom and sure enough freedom was taken from me.
During the lecture he mentioned that there is no more fooling around, that when I break a rule, even when I'm "joking" (as I used to say a lot), I am to be severely punished instantly.
"And when I say punished, I mean punished. No more maintenance spankings, no more 'patpats', no more play spankings. You will be punished and you won't enjoy it. When I say punished, I mean left with bruises and never wanting to sit down again. And I'm going to make sure you don't enjoy it, if you're wet, I will continue until you either air dry or spank you until it's no longer a turn-on."
Now let me explain myself here. His authority, the way he takes charge and spanks me just naturally turns me on. The spanking itself is the most painful thing in the world most of the time and I beg to be forgiven and let free. But for some reason, I still grow wet. He says it's because I'm enjoying it, but to honest truth I am not. :(
After our lecture, when he finally allowed me to get up he had me clean my room and told me we were going to have a session when I was done. For the first time, I cleaned the room fast without the same attitude I would normally feel suffocate me. The room was completely done in about 15 minutes, clothes put away and what not and I cleaned it so he would have something to be proud of.
Chris literally came in right after I was making the bed and basically finished and sat down with the spoon in hand. I knew I was to submit to this punishment eagerly or I would never see the light of day tomorrow. I did submit to my warning spanking (as he would call it). A spanking to remind me who I belong to....
|My spoon and stool. The stool is up to my waist tall.|
It lasted a long time and he was super consistent with his strokes. He made every stroke count and for the first time didn't have me count the entire way through. It made me feel like I wasn't in control for the first time. When I count, I usually know about when it's going to be over so I can somewhat prepare myself but today I had to take it, not knowing if I was going to be spanked for the next 10 minutes, or the next hour.
The strokes on my bottom hit at the same momentum and would speed up. I don't know what exactly happened, but he definitely has been teaching himself about being my Master because he spanked like a professional today and I could definitely, and still definitely feel it. He had me over his knee for half, and then had me hold myself up with this "punishment stool" he bought me.
For the first time I took the spanking and although I squealed and whined when he told me not to I definitely kept my moving to a minimum and did try my best not to make a sound.
While leaning forward, ass up, head up, using my "punishment stool", he took me as his. He let me know for the first time that if he wants to fuck me, he's allowed to fuck me and as his sex slave (I hate calling myself that, but that's honestly all I am right now), I am going to enjoy it for him. I'm very bad when it comes to sex, I'll like it once it is happening but I never want to because the first few minutes really hurt me. He's not going to give me a chance to think about those first few minutes anymore which I somewhat actually like, call me crazy.
We are becoming more and more of what we wanted to be, just taking an extreme turn so buckle up. The rest of these blogs are going to be not so nice...
P.S. Sorry Ariel if I never speak to you again...