Anyways, I think I was actually punished this time. Chris says it was a maintenance but I'm pretty sure you don't cry from a reminder. I guess it is his way of telling me it can be a lot worse, I need to keep my butt in line!
I had a really bad day on Saturday. Chris had work from about 8am - 9pm, and I was off. I wrote a blog that day complaining about his job, but that day was the worst day of my life. I woke up missing him. My kitten was still at the vet (he's back home now, and he's a crazy little pest but that means he's healthy :)) so I had no one to keep me company. Now, when I'm bored and by myself my mind takes me to the worst place possible. I start thinking about things that I don't even believe in. I start doubting Chris's love for me, I start believing that he will never have time with me, and even if he did have time with me he wouldn't want it anymore. I started thinking that Chris purposely got a time consuming job so he wouldn't have to put up with me. I hate my mind.
I felt guilty and mad at myself. I went on different bdsm websites and read different articles and even put up my own forum. I just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me I was in trouble. Even during all of this however, I wanted to be punished by Chris and ONLY Chris but I needed to hear I was in trouble to stop thinking the way I was. To my surprise, everyone on the forum told me to write down exactly how I felt, and all the rules I had broken and to send it to Chris. They were all respectful and I'm so grateful for that now. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have obeyed any random online Master's demands, but I'm glad they didn't go there and kind of snapped me back into reality at the same time.
So I did just that, I wrote an email saying how I felt and how I need to be reminded that I'm his and ONLY his. I kinda sort of even touched myself that day, big no-no, which I have known not to do since the beginning.
So as you can imagine, Chris was a little, or a lot, fed up with me. I didn't realize it while I was being a horrible kitten, but I hurt him with my actions. I don't want him to ever feel replaceable in my book, because honestly he isn't. I just went to a very, very dark place and made myself believe that Chris didn't care, that he didn't want me anymore.
Now, on to the punishment, or "maintenance" as he would say.
After all the build up from earlier, I felt so guilty, I didn't want to hurt him and I felt dumb for ever looking for more. It was just bad. He got home and sent me to my corner. I didn't want to be there anymore, I was scared, I just wanted to be held and loved and I wanted him to forgive me more than anything. Being spanked was the last thing I wanted at that moment.
He pulled me out of the corner and over his lap. He always starts spanking with the wooden spoon, no warm-ups just SPANK SPANK SPANK.
I kept twisting and kicking. There was no way I was about to submit, I don't know what was wrong with me. My mind was telling me I didn't want it and to flee. Maybe I needed the hardest spanking of my life to realize he was the one calling the shots. He ignored my pleas to stop and continued just as hard.
"You have known not to touch yourself for months now, so you're going to feel this for a long time. Do you understand?"
":( Yes Sir.."
He told me not too long ago that when he asks me if I understand something I am to answer him with a 'yes Master' so he knows I'm paying close attention. As you can tell already, I'm not very good at this.
He finally stopped, and I thought it was over. This spanking never ended I swear!
"We're almost done kitten. Just 100 swats, 50 on each side and we are done."
100!?! I have only endured 60, not so hard, ones. And those were in intervals of 20. Now he wants to do a full 100!?!
"Yes Sir... :("
"Do you understand?"
"Yes Sir." fuck
"Good kitten. And if you move, put your hands back, whine, or lose count we're starting over. Do you understand?"
"Yes Master." I'm getting good at this ;)
"ONE, I will obey!" SMACK!
"TWO, I will obey!"
It took forever. At one point I just couldn't take it anymore. I apologized and told him I couldn't take it.
"FIFTY! I will obey! Owww, I'm sorry I can't do this. :("
And then he stopped.
Is it over? He rubbed my butt for a second and asked me if I was getting the message. I sadly said yes and that I loved him and thanked him for stopping. I was so out of breath, my bum was stinging. It didn't even go numb this time. It just hurt.
"You have fifty more, are you ready?"
Now this even surprised me. I honestly thought he was going to let me go. It was still a pretty bad
The next 50 were just as painful and it took just as long. I still wasn't in tears though, my eyes watered but I wasn't crying just yet. He lifted me up and sent me to my corner.
He followed me to my corner and started lecturing me. And then it hit me hard, I started bawling. Just crying non-stop. I was too weak and vulnerable to hold back my tears anymore. I felt so bad, I felt like I deserved the spanking and I was so sorry. I remember the exact line that sent the fountains running:
"kitten, you could have asked to play with yourself and you wouldn't have had such a bad spanking."
Stupid, stupid kitty. Why am I so stupid sometimes? He's fair. I say how unfair he is all the time, but the man is fair. I could have avoided it and I felt so dumb, so stupid that I couldn't help but cry.
I was in the corner for about 3 minutes and then.
"Kitten, get out! Your friends are here."
Huh? I'm not ready to get out yet. Do you see the tears flowing on my face? My friends are here!? .....
The day after I went to Disneyland, with a bruised bottom...
I promise you I will behave for a long while.
I promise you I will behave for a long while.