Monday, January 30, 2012

Utah: Land of the Mormon?

I know I haven't written as much as I promised, but I have a valid excuse! As you all know (if you've been reading) I started school this week. And for some reason, my uncle decided to take a family trip to Utah this weekend. So after hardly sleeping, due to school, I flew to Utah where I was away from Master for the weekend where I didn't sleep again. I can NOT sleep without Him, it's horrible actually. I had a very early flight Friday morning, so I had to be up at 4am. So I got roughly 2 hours of sleep, flew to Utah, skied a bit, had dinner, and everyone passed out around 11pm Utah time, and I was up until 3am. Woke up every hour or so and then officially woke up the next morning at 9am. Sleep is rough.

Anyways, who cares about the fact that I didn't sleep. Or Utah, for that matter. But it was BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful that I'll put a few pictures. :)
This was the ski resort we stayed at. The Deer Valley Montage.
Our view from our hotel room.
Snowy mountains from the airplane.
I just think this is a pretty picture. :)
That is actually me, and the white snow outside.

Alright. So I did promise I would update you on my punishment. He bruised me. And not on purpose I don't think and that ended up making me a little angry at him. We have these new floggers, and he'll admit he has no experience with them, but he tends to swing them in a way where it hits me at the same part on my side EVERY single time. To the point where I'm not even learning a lesson, it ended up making me angry and that's something we'll have to talk about.

I don't know if you can tell since you guys don't know me very well but lately I've been feeling very testy and I have a HUGE attitude. I don't know what it is or where it's coming from. I feel like being bitchy, and I feel like being called a bitch. But I'm afraid of it coming from Master because I love and adore him and I never want him to see me like that, so I'm in a rut.

I'm still trying to figure out my full dynamic with my Sir. If you have ever read the erotic novel "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice you NEED to. The very first chapter is such a fantasy of mine and I kind of want some parts of that in my everyday lifestyle with my Master. I want to be forced to be so polite, and be his slave but feel loved all the same. It's rather confusing, even in this head of mine, but I do dream to be His slave and not feel neglected in anyway.

I haven't had much time to talk to Master since I got home. Sleep really caught up to me. I got home around 3pm, passed out, and didn't wake up until 10am this morning and had to go to school. And now I'm home, and he's on his way back from some temporary job. I'm a bit scared, I'm already feeling bitchy again and I do not want to start off like this. D:

While in Utah I tested buttons for sure. At the time I wanted him to break up with me. I'm an idiot, right? The thing is, my uncle has no respect for my Master. I don't know why it's the case, but my uncle thinks he's a "low-life" loser who isn't going anywhere with His life and I know this is not the case. My uncle has maybe said 8 words to Him, yet he thinks he knows it all.

Anyways, while in Utah we went out to dinner and my aunt and uncle were telling me that I probably won't be with Chris (my Master) any longer. They told me how Lori (my aunt) lived with a guy for 3 years, met George (my uncle) and George soon after took her lovers place and according to them this is what is going to happen to me and Chris. This idea scared me so much. I love Chris more than anything or anyone else and the thought of finding someone else and leaving him, and breaking his heart breaks mine. I could NEVER leave Chris after what we've gone through and so that night in Utah I basically was asking him to leave me so I would never have to hurt him. Now, I know I was being dumb and I should just accept the fact that I'm not my aunt, but it's still a scary thought and the possibility is always there.

I'm doing better now, but I still haven't had a chance to talk to him so as soon as he gets home we're going to have a LONG conversation. I think I have these fears and doubts because after a year of being together we haven't established what we both want in the relationship. We've just been living it, which is fine by me, because I'm happy but I do worry about the future sometimes and I need the stability of Him being a strict Dom, even when I fight it.

I think that's all I have to say for now. I just felt the need to check in. :)

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