Im banned from fetlife, it sucks. It was the one thing I would do at work that would help pass the time with unbelievable results, now look what I'm resulting to.
I'm going to blog again. I apologize for disappearing for months and I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but I am back whether I have readers or not.
Give me a chance to catch up and reintroduce myself. I'm Zoe to you (not pronounced Zoey), just simply zoe, without the long e sound. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California and I now despise that place. The only good it brought me was a handful of educational experiences and the love of my life: Master Wu.
I am ready to admit that I am the most confusing, indecisive, bratty, spoiled young lady to ever claim she was submissive and my Master has to deal with this. We are still very much in love despite all of our hardships and sorebutts. He is my one; but not only.
Since I last opened up my life to the glorious internet I have discovered things about myself that earlier I was afraid to be fully open about. I have come to the realization that I am lesbian by definition, but thanks to the strangers on fetlife I am staying FAR away from labels. Yes, I prefer woman. They're gorgeous and helpless at times (or at least the women I'm into) and I can't help but long for holding a fellow submissive in my hands and dominate the shit out of her.
OK, I may have gone a little too far on that one. I'm not capable of dominating the shit out of her considering I'm the opposite of sadist; squishing an ant freaks me out. But the bottom line is I crave to hold a trembling girl who just got her ass beat for not being responsible. Have her look up at me and beg me with those huge eyes. She makes it so easy for me to tease her, making her wait for me, making her want me more....
That's enough, I'm getting way too ahead of myself. That fantasy will live forever and I will be with my Master forever and therefore one day it is destined for us to incorporate the two. But for now it is his job to make me wait and make me want him more for it. And besides, we're no where near ready to bring in a third party, there's no need to rush.
Speaking of rushing; my Master and I are still trying to figure out the perfect dynamic for our relationship. For the past year he has been telling me that I have no clue what I want, and I would beg to differ, but I'm starting to think he is right. I'm one confusing bitch (only Master and I am allowed to call me that). I know where my deep fantasies lie, that's not the issue; I'm just a big scardy cat.
In my head I want to be a slave with very strict rules and very harsh punishments. The thought alone makes me want him to tie me against the wall, whip me and fuck me so hard I cry (sorry about being vulgar, if you don't like it, don't read it). But I can't, and for some reason wont, allow myself to enjoy it. Fantasies become kind of scary when played out. For example I fantasize about walking down the sidewalk and a mysterious giant comes around me, blindfolds and gags me and shoves me into his van. Brings me home where I'm amongst other victims, tied up, shaking, and sold as a prostitute; but I would NEVER want that to actually happen.
The only difference with my slave fantasy and my sold into prostitution fantasy is that one of them is possible. I can be His and still be happy. However, I still can't help but fear pain and I still have anxiety when it comes to sex (I'll probably get more into that later).
One day, we'll have the perfect lifestyle, but for now we're still a work in progress.
I am going to start blogging again at least once a week and Master will hold me accountable to this. I am going to blog in the next two days about my recent punishment that got me banned from fetlife and how it's affecting me now.
In the meantime, if anyone is reading, you should go read my earlier posts. And if you have kept up from the beginning, you should STILL go back and read my previous posts, I know that's what I'll be doing.
Until next time,
P.S. I'm going to get back into the blogging spirit so if you know of any good M/s or DD blogs link me to them in the comments. And yes, if you have a blog link me to it also so I can start my reading. :)