I honestly can not tell you what is wrong with me. I knew I had commitment issues from the get-go, but I never realized how bad I can get. This is going to be a rant of a post, something those who read my posts don't necessarily have to read. There is no exciting spanking story, it's just my need to vent and release.
Growing up as a child my dad never stuck around. He always got me excited for dissapointment and then one day he took off and left. Two years later he decided that he did want to raise my sister and I and came back acting as if nothing had ever happened. I felt resentment towards this, I didn't think it was fair for him to so easily get that second chance when he took off and left and stopped answering calls. I blocked my father from my life for almost a year.
At the time I didn't entirely know why I blocked him out of my life. The first time I saw him was THIS father's day. This is all very recent, and even then I still didn't want to see him. He never abused me physically, and he's an all around good guy so I never understood why I pushed him so far out of my life until now.
My dad is a flake, yes. But now I realize so am I. I think I was running from something that related to me. I didn't want to be that person so afraid of commitment, that person who at any given moment could take off, leave a family who loved him behind and never speak to them again. I never want to be that person and I am now seeing characteristics of that unstable, horrible person in myself and I want to explode.
Last night I told Chris I didn't want to be with him forever anymore. It has always been forever with the two of us, from day one I told him I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I just felt it in my heart that I found the best. I know I probably spoke too soon, but this is coming from someone who didn't believe in love and when I felt it, I knew I never wanted to not have that in my life. I have learned with my dads 2 wives, and my mothers 2 husbands that love is replaceable. I wanted to make a change in that, I wanted to prove that love meant I wanted to be with them forever so I wasn't afraid to say it at the time. I found love and I was about to keep him for the rest of my life.
As most of you know we officially moved in together about a little over 3 weeks ago. We have technically lived together for our entire relationship, but this time we actually signed a lease a moved about 40 miles away from anyone we know. We wanted to start our lives, our new lives on our own without any other distraction.
Since we moved in together, things have been getting shaky. May be a shocker for those who follow, because I never state the bad times, but Chris needing to find a job has really stressed him out to the point where we never do things together. We had a plan to go to Disneyland (you did somewhat hear about my trip). My mom made an extra $100 so Chris could go too but instead decided we needed that extra $100 for something more important, like rent and food.
I know where he's coming from. He's the practical one, always thinking about our necessities to survive, the needs for our relationship to work out. But what he doesn't realize is I honestly do not care if we eat 50 cent pasta every night as long as we get a few experiences in with each other, as long as we suffer with each other.
Isn't that what love is all about? Sticking together even during the roughest times? It makes it so hard because I love him so very much and his coping method to deal with his stress is to put all his time in playing computer games. It makes me see him as irresponsible, and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me anymore because he stopped paying attention to me. I am a huge attention whore, I must admit, but he knows this so to leave me alone for so long, to let my mind do the talking is a really bad thing.
I have always had a problem with my mind. It is like that red devil on my shoulder, yelling at me to escape. It tells me I'm not happy. It tells me I would have more fun if I wasn't in this relationship. It tells me to run and have fun again and be the 19 year old that I am. To stop having to worry about bills, and eating. To be free.
Now, I am NOT one for relationships. That's why the day I asked to be exclusive with Chris still surprises me to this day. I never wanted to be anyones. I was my own person, free to do what I wanted to do at the moment I wanted to do them. I never had someone telling me I couldn't go out and get wasted. My parents weren't there for that, and so I did as I pleased every single night. Chris removed me from that crazy lifestyle and I still thank him for that, and I definitely do not regret being his. As a matter of fact, I love being his.
If you have ever seen the movie (500) Days of Summer you would sort of understand. I'm a lot like Zooey Deschanel's character in many movies. In (500) Days of Summer she especially leads my lifestyle of (SPOILER ALERT!!!! SCROLL DOWN TO NEXT PARAGRAPH!) never commiting and then finding that one and marrying them. I thought that was Chris to be honest, I thought he was the one because he turned my evil thoughts off. When he held me I could sleep because I would no longer be thinking, when we went out or spent time together in the house I would never think about not ever being with anyone else because I didn't care for being with anyone else. He made me happy, and for the first time in my entire life that is all that mattered.
This is where the conflict comes in. Since his coping method is doing his own thing as a distraction, it kind of let me tend to myself, make me realize (or my mind at least tricks me to realize) that I don't really need him. That there are millions of others out there who can also make me happy and I settled too fast. My biggest issue with love before feeling it was the question of "how do you know?". And that question was answered with Chris, that you just feel it. You know. But now I do not know, and so I'm ready to run. I'm ready to do what my dad did to me those years ago.
I'm selfish. I want to leave, but I don't want to lose him. I'm not ready to lose him, I'm still in love with him as much as it sounds like I'm not but I love that person who was constantly surprising me, constantly making me laugh and smile. This person now just does his own thing constantly, like it would make no difference whether I'm there or not.
I talk. I say exactly what is on my mind and I believe this is a quality Chris loves about me. Right now I really hate that part of me. Last night I was about to explode with all my horrible thoughts of wanting to run so I started talking to Chris about them. I just wanted to let him know that I'm not ready to commit forever, but I still love him and want to be with him but the person he became under stress I want nothing to do with.
We had this conversation at about 5am, probably not the best time. I know I hurt him. I was crying the whole way through because hearing those words, saying it was going to end hurt me just as much. I'm still in love with the feeling of being in love, I'm still in love with the man I fell in love with, I'm just afraid of being with someone forever. I know this isn't fair to him, he's just going through a rough patch and I'm only making it harder. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have a 6 month lease and I really want to stick it out until it's over. I'm afraid he does not.
I'm not ready to lose him. I'm so fucking selfish, I can't believe myself. Nothing is ever enough for me. I'm such an attention whore and I need to learn how to just be content with what I have. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him I didn't want forever, I think I might have lost him.
We finally fell asleep. He held me to sleep because I asked him too, he held tight and it was the most love I felt from him in a long time. We fucked, think it would be good after that? Wrong. I have a problem with sex, always have. This might be too much info, but I'm venting and this is necessary. I'm extremely tight, I lost my virginity to Chris and there has only been a few times where it felt good. I don't enjoy sex most of the time and I have never come. I think something is wrong with me to be honest, I think I might even be lesbian. I hate the feeling of a dick being forced inside me and I hate dicks in general, they make me squirmish. I'm not sure if this is just me being a prude virgin or if this is going to be me for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy sex more than anything, but I don't and it frustrates me more than you know.
So we had sex for a bit until I couldn't take the pain any longer and then the tension continued. Luckily I fell asleep in his arms and hoped things would be fine this morning, hoped that I wouldn't have to even right this blog today. But that wasn't the case. We woke up, I said good morning and he didn't say a word to me. He got up, I asked him where he was going and I was ignored. He showered, got dressed as I started writing this blog and just took off without saying goodbye.
I'm crying now. I don't know what to do. I hate being in love with him right now. My life would be 100% easier if I wasn't still in love, I would be able to get up and leave and not care. That's what he wants to do, he wants to move back home and end the lease but I can't do that. I have no where to go, and I don't know where I would be if he just left. I'm still in love, I'm still holding on to that person I started dating 6 months ago.
I'm going to end this rant. Please keep destructive comments to yourself, I know I'm acting like a spoiled brat who wants her way but I'm already beating myself up about it. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do. I want my mind to shut up again. I want him to hold me, I want everything to go back to how they were. When we were in love.
I'm still holding on...
You know reading your blog some days I feel like I am listening to words that mess around in my head just in another persons voice.
ReplyDeleteAnd in some ways I feel like your ina situation a little bit like mine. Like it or not...your needy.
Just from what I have read in order to keep yourself from thinking horrible dark thoughts you need someone their with you. And I understand that, I can bring myself to tears in a few moments even if my day had been wonderful.
It sounds like you love him to me. At the same time it almost sounds like your afraid of being in love.
When I realized how much I needed the man I called Master I was crying. Then for weeks I tried to tell myself it was a lie. It wasnt true.
Of all the women in the world I COULD NOT be in love. So I told him, that night I cried becasue he didn't say it back.
The next night I bawled because he did. Ever since then I have had my doubts. Especially of "I can't be with him forever..." Then the idea of loosing him is even more devestating then the idea of being with him.
But he is the same, when he gets stressed its video games. Lots and lots of them, when I get stressed its cuddling and more attention then its fair of me to expect one person to give. But I needed it!
So then I don't get it and its thoughts of "he doesnt love me," or "do I love him?"
Of course the answer is always yes.
I think you love Chris, but I don't know you now do I? I have seen your text and thats all.
So this whole point of it is, I think you should decide. Is it your experiences telling you this is all impossible and not worth or time...or is it true that you don't want to be with him?
Right now you are two people though, if you want him you might have to fight now, which in my opinion is braver then just walking away.
Anyways, I am no therapist, I suck at advice really. This is in some ways what I have always worried would happen with the man I love. Seeing it...I am not going to say it scared me.
Its just shown me how much work I would do to stay with him even if forever seemed a long ways away.
Good luck, I wish you the best!