Sunday, June 5, 2011

Let's Be Exclusive

I hate the word boyfriend. When I'm around friends I usually do say my boyfriend (and I have said it here on this blog) but the word just seems so replaceable. Chris is much more than my "boyfriend", he's my caretaker, my lover, my partner, my Master, my best friend, my backbone (at times). I don't ever enjoy rushing into relationships, but to be 100% honest, I feel as if sometimes he were my husband.

Chris and I have lived together even before we started dating. It's actually a pretty complicated scenario. The two of us started our relationship completely backwards but I think we've finally caught up with all the baby steps that usually happen in the first few months. Today it has only been 4 months since we officially got together, and I feel so stupid sometimes for saying this because 4 months isn't a long time at all, but I think I'm just not the dating type. I've had my fair share of meaningless hookups* (that I do regret now that I look back on it), and the minute I started crashing at Chris' house I knew he was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. DON'T ask how, I ask myself that question all the time and I think I'm over it and accepting I found someone. :)

Chris and I started as coworkers at a Pinkberry (a chain frozen yogurt shop that started in CA). We didn't work much together, but during winter break this year I started going over to his house a lot with another coworker for some laid back fun. Since there would be a few beers involved, C could not drive me home so I would sleep on the couch downstairs (his brother at the time was working in NY, I miss those times).

One morning, I can never forget this moment, we both had work at 9am (after a nice night of drinking and games), and so I walked up to his room at 8:30am to wake him. But since I was still groggy and tired I ended up lying next to him for the first time. The second I laid down, he wrapped his arms around me and something just clicked. I have never in my life fitted so comfortably against someone. Something just sparked. It wasn't until a couple of weeks after that we had our first kiss. He asked me out, about a week after our first kiss and I actually rejected him at first. It took another week for me to come back to him and tell him that "I want to be exclusive". And yes, I used the word exclusive, he STILL makes fun of me for that!

I don't know what happened to be honest. After that day I laid down next to him, every night after that I slept in his bed. And I have slept in his bed ever since with 2 exceptions (I went to Vegas with my uncle for 2 days, and I slept over my best friends house because she was having personal problems), but basically what I'm trying to say is, not sleeping beside him is nearly impossible.

This catches me all up to talk about last night. I'm not sure how we started fighting, I think it was a tiny disagreement (we are different people after all), and since we're at the point in our relationship where I know him so well, I'm able to push buttons that should NEVER be pushed.

This little argument turned into a fight about his authority, and how I don't follow it. And I stupidly turned it around by basically telling him that he doesn't have much authority because his life is currently a mess (I didn't actually mean that, I respect him so much but sometimes it is hard to listen because I'm used to things being my way, and only my way). A sub would know that this would not fly well with their partners, you can't tell the HOH he's not in control. Big no-no.

We're still living with no privacy, so no spanking, or no proving his authority is really possible (unless we missed something in the DD handbook). So instead last night, I felt completely guilty, he got over it and wanted to hold me and I didn't feel like I deserved being held. Why do we have these hormones that push the person we love most away? I didn't want him touching me, I thought I was poisoning his life and I began to cry when he pushed his body into me. I eventually fell asleep, and he left for work early this morning, me sound asleep.

C had missed me all morning at work and visited me on my break. I was still sound asleep, but I was so happy to see him. :) That's the thing I love about us, even though we fight a lot, they never last too long (even without spanking). He had to go back to work unfortunately but after he left I found a post-it beside me. I love post-it notes! 

P.S. I think I'm getting better, or more obsessed, with this blogging thing. Sometimes I don't mind being alone when C is working because I know I can read other blogs.... oh gosh.

*Hookup means kissing, nothing more. I kept my virginity for Chris. :)

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