Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Point of No Return; Part 2

I stayed quiet here. When he's stern, he's stern and there is no breaking through to him ESPECIALLY when there's another person there. I felt shy, hurt and confused. I sat there obediently until he got done, but I just had it on the walk to the car and fully showed him how I felt.

"Why didn't you just text me!? I knew you were mad, but to make me think that you might have gone home without me, or might have gone out to spite me! Or worst.... something might have happened to you! It's not hard to send me a text, I have to do it every hour and I manage!"

Still silent from his end. While walking to his car I flinched really bad, I thought he was going to hit me. I mean, the way I was talking he should have. I kept yelling and putting him down, but he refrained from abusing me. He told me that he would never strike me out of anger and I'm so fortunate that he has so much self-control.

He opens my door, I get in and he slams the door. I sit there still. We drive home, I remain quiet.

 Calmly, he finally starts talking.
"When I call you, I expect you to answer. I expect you to drop what you're doing and.."

"But I can't!! I can't just drop everything for you all the time. It's rude! What if you were in a movie, would you really just get up and answer my call?! Would you now?!" *I was rushing at him full speed*

"QUIET. I'm not finished."
"Do you honestly expect me to just stop EVERYTHING I'm doing so we can do the bullshit, I miss you, I love you, couple talk?! It's not like you ever have anything to say to me anyways!!"

"I SAID QUIET! 10 minutes of silent from you. I don't want to hear a word out of you!"

I put my head down and shut the hell up.

"Why is it so hard for you to understand that it doesn't matter if I have nothing to say to you, but I should be your top priority even when you're out with friends!"

"But..." *the look was enough and I bowed my head back down*

"Yes, if I was in a movie I would drop everything to answer your call. The movie is not as important to me as you are." 

That's when it hit me, it's the principle of it all. That game, was definitely not that important but at that moment I treated it like it was the only thing that mattered to me, as if I couldn't care less about him. 

"I'm not good with relationships... I'm not good with being submissive... I'm not cut out for this... :( I can't be expected to drop everything and talk to you."

I didn't know what to say. He deserves someone so much better, he tries so hard and I try so hard to walk all over him, find an escape and be a total brat. I also have a tendency of telling him that he holds me back from doing so much. That it's because of him I never have fun with my friends anymore and that I miss those experiences.

"Do you want to be a normal relationship?"

"No.. it's too late for that, we should have started that way though." :/


Now, I was over fighting. I was done raising my voice but he was quiet, and still thinking about the whole situation.

"Meow.. can we please go inside?"

No response. I could tell how much tension was still inside him. I get over things so quickly, maybe it's because I don't process them as deeply as I should, but I hate staying mad at him, or him staying mad at me for that matter. I tried again.

"Can we please go inside... meow, meow. I'm tired, I want to get comfy."

Still no response. This frustrated me beyond belief.

"CAN YOU PLEASE TALK TO ME!? I hate this, I always get over something and then you always frustrate me again and put me back in the same position where I'm mad at you again. UGH. Just talk to me, I always tell you exactly what's on MY mind, why can't you?"

"You think it's so easy because it comes natural for you. It's hard for me to share what's on my mind, so no. We're not going inside until we figure everything out."

"We?! I've figured everything out, this is all YOU. Now stop dragging me into your misery! This is not fair, I want to go!! Uggh. Just let me go inside, you can stay out here and drown in your thoughts if you please but I'm not going to sit here and watch you do it."

Silence for a few beats, broken by soft words from his mouth.

"I don't think you're ready.."

"Ready for what..?" Where did that come from?

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship."

That's when the tears started flooding, the damn was not strong enough to hold back the ocean.

"I can't be here..."

I jumped out of the car, trying so hard to hide the fact that I was crying uncontrollably and found a step to sit down on where I could just cry my thoughts through. I kept thinking that maybe he's right, I always knew that I was never meant to find someone, that I was never going to be ready to be in a relationship because I'm too selfish with my own life to share it with someone else. I knew that I didn't deserve him. I knew that I was going to miss out on those drunk times with friends, those times where I could have been arrested, raped or even killed. I knew life was no longer going to be so easy, that I was going to have to do good in school, going to have to start cleaning and becoming more responsible. I knew that being with him meant that I was to grow up, am I ready to grow up?

These thoughts were flooding in at the speed of light and they kept making me cry heavier and heavier. I got to a point where I realized not only how much I needed him, but how much I wanted him also. I would give up all the stupidity to be with him. Yes, I might have given up those best years of your life where you don't have any responsibilities, but is it really for my own good? I realized this in my tears just as Chris started walking over to me. I could feel him, even before he touched me and I felt more at ease. I could feel his love from a few feet away. This is why it is so hard for me, I am truly in love with this man.

He sat next to me, pulled me over and lyed my head down on his shoulder and pet my head. We sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything. As he held me close to him I started sobbing again, the love was almost overpowering, overwhelming and at that moment I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I found someone who loves me more than anything, and I could feel that love without words.

I stopped crying and broke the silence.
"I'm sorry. I love you. I don't just need you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and the thought without you..." I started crying again.

"Don't worry kitty, I love you too. There isn't going to be an end for us, I just feel bad that I'm holding you back from allowing you to do the things you want."

"But those things aren't the important things! You are important, our future together is important... :("

"I love you kitten, and that will never change. You're mine, that will never change."

We continued to sit on the steps in silence, comfortable as ever and went inside feeling more in love with each other and realizing that we have reached the point of no return.

"Am I still in trouble?"

"Yes my kitten."

".. Didn't I go through enough?"

"Your butt has not."



  1. Hello there! Oh this is so sweet and so touching. Very powerful post. There is so much love here, thank you for sharing. All the best x

  2. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! This is by far the best comment I've ever gotten. Thanks so much. :)

  3. It just so touching, and happy for you to have the One who love you so much. :)

  4. Beautiful post about your relationship. Don't forget, it's a process, not an overnight thing. Just as long as we keep moving forward, and learning and growing, and trusting in our man's love for us... (and I'm reminding myself of this right now as well!). I'm happy for you, it sounds like there are great things ahead for you two. :)

  5. Thanks so much for embarking this journey with me. :) It's just hard sometimes and I realize this, I'm just so happy I have support from other subs living partially in my shoes.