It's Over

I wanted to update everyone.
This is probably going to be my last blog post here. If I do end up making a new blog (probably will and hopefully that one will be updated more often) I'll post the link. But until then, this is farewell.

We broke up, for good, as far as we both know for now. It has been a rough few days for sure. Me being the worst girlfriend/person in the world, I ended things with him on his birthday. I can't help it, I don't know how to bite my tongue and not say exactly what's on my mind, and for whatever reason this day fell on His day.

I have been thinking negatively for several months. We have been fighting, we've been unhappy for several months and I kept ignoring the bad thoughts. I would shove them into a dark corner so I wouldn't have to stress out about them. I lied to everyone, including both him and myself. I was scared, I wanted forever, I missed feeling so in love. I wanted it back.

After I broke up with him, as bad as this is going to sound it's the truth, I felt a sort of relief. I had actually been falling into some sort of a depression and was unaware of it and when I finally ended things for good, I felt this pressure lift off of me. I do love him, he's an amazing man but there are some things that will never work between us, at least not any time soon.

He's close to 4 years older than me, and I know that's not much, ESPECIALLY in our community. But he acts like he's 40. And I don't mean to say that as an insult, it's a good (and sometimes bad quality) and I act like I'm still a child. The point here being is I'm in no way ready to wake up, and I feel forced to while in a relationship with him. We moved to a new city together and I have had a hard time connecting to people because I feel like a married woman. A girl who is no longer permitted to go out and have male friends. It was too much pressure for me.

I think I will always love him, he was my first love, first Master, first everything after all. I think this is why I'm so attached to him (and still am and trying to become dependent finally).

I know I'm rambling, but my head is in knots and it's hard to focus on one thing.

He still lives with me. Last night I told him one of us are going to have to move out ASAP. He tries to hold me and it's the worst pain I have ever felt and I have to be mean, and yell, and tell him to not touch me. It's awful but it's the only way I can survive these last few weeks of school.

School has actually been amazing for me right now. It's such a productive distraction and it helps a lot. I have also been getting really really into Harry Potter. My best friend is a major Harry Potter nerd, and I started reading the books again and it has consumed my life. When I'm not studying or doing homework, I'm reading Harry Potter. I wish I could be magical and whisk my way to Hogwarts and leave this hardship behind.

Anyways, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. What's done is done and we'll both survive it and only be stronger in the end. There are some things I'm not capable of doing with him, such as sex, and he'll finally find a girl that he can fall in love with, who deserves his kind heart. We just weren't meant to be, and I've accepted that. I just hope he does soon. :(

If you read my blog and want to stay in touch feel free to send me a message on fetlife. I'm -lostkitten over there. Do NOT just add me, I'll most likely reject. So let's talk first and once I get to know you better I'll add you. :)

Happy Birthday Master (round 2)

A year today I wrote a blog for my Master stating how in love I was and how happy I was. Today things are different. I've been trying to get back into blogging but recently I have been slowly slipping into a depression and that is not fun for either of us. It is Chris's birthday... today. And as the worst girlfriend that there can ever exist, last night I told him that we were no longer happy and it is set in my mind that we are going to break up soon.

This blog is going to be extremely personal (not like the rest of them weren't) but I am going to come to you raw, not edit anything out and say exactly what's on my mind. This blog is going to be therapeutic for me, but depressing for you so please don't feel obligated to read the entire thing.

I think there's something wrong with me. Like I'm pretty sure I have this social disorder that may or may not exist yet where I put myself into situations purposefully so that I am constantly alone or unhappy. When I found Chris, I thought everything had changed. That we were going to love each other until the day I die and live happily ever after. I knew in my heart that he was the one I was going to marry and even though we have fallen apart about 8 months ago (longer than we were doing good now) I kept my head up, stayed optimistic and repeated over and over that this was going to work.

As you all know, I just got back from Europe. I missed him, a lot, but I could sleep. I usually can't sleep without him, but this time I had no issues sleeping at all. Of course some nights I cried because I just wish to be in his arms again, but I survived it which makes me think I can survive us breaking up long term.

I just don't see the use anymore. Yes, we still love each other but I stress him out beyond belief to the point where he can't even show me love. Also, since I have an issue with sex I'm CONSTANTLY putting myself down (whether I want to or not). I'm starting to hate myself for not being able to please my boyfriend. I have this constant pressure because I know he needs it, and I'm stuck with this block that I can't get around and the more I want to be able to give myself to him, the harder it is for me to let go.

I need space. I need to learn who I am, what I like, my own orientation (I had another nightmare last night and the only good parts within it was with this girl...). I just feel like I'm not living for me anymore. I'm so conscience about what He would think, if He would approve, and I'm starting to not be myself.

I get home to an empty home every night, he comes home from work about an hour later and I jolt to the door to hug him. I miss him so much through out the day and he gives me a brief hug (which doesn't feel as warm as it used to be) and he goes on his way to do what he needs to do. He changes, starts cooking himself food and I feel like my existence is completely ignored. If I ever get to close, to just feel him against my skin, he rudely tells me I'm in his way and continues to what he was doing.

I feel like a burden to him. Like he would be better off without me. I would never be in his way again and he would be able to have sex and relieve all of his frustration. I know I'm falling into a depression and I'm normally a VERY happy person so I'm extremely scared to live my life right now. I just know that I'll fall with him, and without him and I think I have a better chance recovering with him not around.

This is the end.
He just got out of the shower and I'm stuck unable to think again. I'm so beyond stressed out, I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore...

London Baby !

I wanted to write this blog before I left for my trip but didn't have a chance. But here I am regardless, blogging from my hotel in London and honestly a bit tipsy. This is the first and only time I'll blog to you tipsy, but I have an excuse because I'm in London babyyyy!

:)
Anyways, I've been in London for the last few days and also had the chance to visit Paris as well. I'm so very lucky and am also super grateful for this trip. The only downfall about it all is the fact that my Master was unable to come with me. This is the longest I've ever been away from him since we've dated and the thing that sucks the most is I have hardly any contact with him at all. I can't text him, can't call him, and the only Internet I get for free is in a small little room in the lobby and because of the time change there's hardly any talk time.

I think I'm good at run on sentences.

This trip has made me realize that I CANNOT live without him. I guess that's a good realization, but it sucks to not have him hold me right now. This is my last night in this hotel room and I have a 9 hour flight to look forward to. :)

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!

We took close to 900 pictures on this trip and I'll try to select a few to show you guys, while still staying someone anonymous. I think it makes things more fun. Ill slowly unwrap myself to you... Muahaha. Maybe I do have a bit of a sadistic side.

-- ATTENTION WHORE ALERT! --

Uh oh, and this is where I start to get myself into trouble.

I think I'm a needy girl. I wake up to my boyfriends kiss goodbye, and there I'm left alone. I need attention, attention I can't get. And then I make fake fetlife accounts where I can get attention without feeling like I'm the one getting in trouble; SHE is. But then I receive the spanking. My plans always seem to fail me.

I haven't done anything wrong... yet. I need that attention but I'm blogging instead, trying to tear myself away from that. Master isn't texting me back, and it's making it really hard for me to control myself. I'm sorry for sounding like a bratty little girl who wants her drugs, but I swear I'm addicted to that attention.

When Master was away for the weekend, and he told me I was allowed to go on my fake fetlife account while he was gone, that's all I did. The moment after he left the house, I logged on and I didn't get off until he came home. I didn't leave the house, I hardly ate. I would wake up in the middle of the night to check it, and I had a hard time going to bed. It was rather disgusting actually and I swore to never let it consume me like that again, and I have stuck to that. It was pretty nasty.

And now here I am, wanting to be that center of attention but can't be.


Sigh.... I'm terrible sometimes.

Ripped, yet Fixed?

Since I didn't blog directly the day after like I said I would, I'm going to recap the last few days.

I also didn't blog the day after, because I didn't get my spanking. I was of course somewhat disappointed. All day I had been anticipating the worst spanking of my life (since we're changing our lifestyle in that direction) and he gets home, I don't mention it, we start watching TV and then we go to bed.

Of course while in bed I can't keep my feelings from gushing out of my body language. He asks me what's wrong, I'm too embarrased to say, and he goes: "I didn't forget about your spanking. I'm just really tired tonight, you'll be getting it tomorrow." Uh oh... I thought to myself.

Tomorrow comes around. I get spanked that night right before bed. I don't even remember it. It obviously was NOT the worst spanking of my life...

The next day is Wednesday. I'm stressed out with work, with school, with my obnoxious uncle who is "trying to teach me discipline" (those were his actual words, not mine). I asked for a stress relief spanking. We haven't explored this much, and I think it's about time we did. He confessed he didn't know how, and so I said we should research. He took that opportunity to research and leave me out of it. Hmmph.

He gave me my 'stress reliever' and once again I don't think it was long enough of stress relieving enough because I was stil overwhelmed afterwards.

That brings us to last night. He was at work, I was home alone after a long day at my job. I'm a bit addicted to spanking videos, and I came across the professional spanker Kyle Johnson. He is know for helping girls break their habits and be the best they can be. He also does couple counciling. We need counciling, we both do. You know how I said we found a mentor? Well that mentor has been MIA for the last week and it has seriously put me on edge. So I started talking to Kyle on fetlife, I knew that I wasn't supposed to talk to other guys but I have a hard time finding a solution to something like 'finding a mentor' if I can't talk to them.

I'm probably the most honest submissive ever. I'm just really bad at hiding things and I never lie, it's not in my nature. So of course, as soon as Master gets home I let him know I broke a rule and started talking to this man. He was cooking dinner and I could tell growing very upset with me. I hate when he's upset with me, I feel so guilty and unloved. :( We watched a TV show and ate dinner in silence. He mentioned during commercials that I was going to be punished for this, and my body tensed up due to the tone of his voice...

After the TV show, I knew what was going to happen. I knew he was going to stand up, take me by the hand, lead me to the bedroom and I was going to regret not being able to control myself. But that didn't happen. This is where I grow frustrated.

After the TV show he turns on Skyrim, a video game we're both very much addicted to and starts playing. I'm being obviously very pouty but he doesn't say a word or notice. Then I lose control.

"So is this how it's going to be!?"

"What."

"You're just going to put my spanking off again and then be too tired to actually punish me?"

...

He stands up.
Well, fuck.

He grabs me by the hand.

"You asked for this kitten"

At this point I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy, or scared. I got my way... sort of?

He pulls me over his lap as soon as we get to the bedroom. I cry out:

"You're doing this out of anger now! D:"

"No I'm not kitten. I love you and you're going to learn your lesson."

He lectured for a bit and made me feel really loved over his lap which isn't normally the case. I don't know what happened, but I secretly think he learned something from when I showed him Kyle Johnson's video. Shhh.

He tells me:

"You're going to get the spoon hard, and only the spoon. No warm up. And you are going to take it."

...

"Yes, Sir..." -gulp-

WHACK!
WHACK!
WHACK!

I'm already squirming and begging him to stop.

"Ok, ok, ok! I've learned my lesson!" is what I say.

I squirm so much, tossing side to side to the point where I fall off of his lap and actually break my undies (picture will be at the bottom). Oops. Then he goes:

"I'm going to try this..."

He was most likely thinking aloud, but next thing I know, one legs clamps down my flailing legs and I am stuck and he keeps whacking at my bum. :(

Is it just me, or does the left side hurt SO much more. It's like I have one super sensitive cheek. I'm wanting to call 'yellow' but only on the left, it makes no sense.

Anyways, he continues for maybe a minute. It was a VERY short spanking to say the least, but it was the most painful one I had in a long time.

"This is nothing kitten. I spare you. Things are going to change around here and you're going to start behaving. This is par, any breaking of rules will result in this as the base, and only get worst from here. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Sir."

"Now, go to your corner and I'll come back for you later."

As I walk to my corner I start smiling. I can't help it!

"Kitten... why are you smiling?"

At the time I didn't know why.

"Umm... because I ripped my panties? :S"

And then I stood in the corner and waited by my lonesome. I realized then that I smiled because he's learning. My Master is finally being that powerful man I feel submissive to and I finally got the spanking that I had coming to me. Yes, it was painful and it would be nice not to go through it, but I don't learn that way. It was such a relief that he took me to that place where I was yelping and squirming and still feeling safe over his lap.

After he came back he led me back to the bed and my heart fell. I thought I was going to be spanked again but I followed. He sat me down and put his arm around me and kissed my neck and cheek. I don't normally get aftercare, but I had been complaining about it for quite some time. :P He showed me so much affection and I felt so close to him. It was so incredible.

I'm not bruised, and my butt is only a little sore this morning. This scares me. How do women take harsh punishments? :o


The picture (I asked for permission, yay for being good) as promised:

Sorry about the bad quality, and the awful lighting and the lack of background. Hopefully we'll be getting a camera (with video :P) soon.

Tonight's the Night for Change

I feel like a big fat liar.
I told you all that I was going to blog consistently, and of course I have not been. Now you see what my Master has to deal with; at times I can be all talk and no action.

Well, I'm back... again. At least I do think about blogging every then and again. But it's hard, and I don't mean to complain in any way, it's just hard when nothing is really changing in your life. I blog, when something happens, and when nothing happens I feel no reason to blog. You can understand that, right? (And I know I'm probably talking to no one but it makes it easier to write when I feel like I'm directing this to someone :P)

I'm here, meaning there HAS been changes. Good ones in fact! :) Master and I have been very cozy and nice lately. I am so very much in love with him and I'm so grateful that we've worked through all of this hardship because this love I feel has been totally worth it. For the most part, anything regarding the lifestyle has been cut out completely, however, he has been more firm with me and much more patient. I haven't been spanked (will be tonight, surprise!) but I feel myself wanting to be submissive more and more and it's an incredible feeling to have.

He told me himself that the reason why we were fighting so much was because he had much higher expectations of me. Expectations as a 20 year old, I should be able to meet, but sadly I can not. He has agreed to remove all of his expectations and start out from the bottom up and I think this has helped us a lot.

We are also talking to someone who is going to help mentor us. He has been a bit MIA for the past few days, but I hope he comes back in the picture soon because I really think he's going to be able to help us. :)

Once things are back in place, and my butt is properly put back in line on a regular basis, I'll blog again. Which will hopefully be soon, very soon.

Anyways, I am awaiting a spanking tonight. I think Master is a bit fed up with my attitude and I don't blame him, I'M fed up with my attitude. I'm nervous, and anxious, yet excited because I'm thinking things will finally stick this time ESPECIALLY with the mentors help to keep us both on track.

P.S. Since we last talked I found out that I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist. So if it's ok with my lovely Master, pictures will soon be posted of my punishments.

Consistency.

I know I promised I would post on an everyday basis, but why post if there is nothing juicy to say?

I have a really hard time staying consistent with Master. Some weeks I want to be that true submissive I know I am deep down and be held accountable for all of my wrong doings, and other weeks I don't want him to discipline me at all, I want to handle things on my own and if he even comes close to delivering a spanking I probably deserve I get mad and this depression overrides me and it's just not healthy.

Is this normal? As a submissive woman shouldn't I want to eat, breath and sleep the lifestyle?


I know this is a VERY short post and probably not worth your time, I just need help.

Utah: Land of the Mormon?

I know I haven't written as much as I promised, but I have a valid excuse! As you all know (if you've been reading) I started school this week. And for some reason, my uncle decided to take a family trip to Utah this weekend. So after hardly sleeping, due to school, I flew to Utah where I was away from Master for the weekend where I didn't sleep again. I can NOT sleep without Him, it's horrible actually. I had a very early flight Friday morning, so I had to be up at 4am. So I got roughly 2 hours of sleep, flew to Utah, skied a bit, had dinner, and everyone passed out around 11pm Utah time, and I was up until 3am. Woke up every hour or so and then officially woke up the next morning at 9am. Sleep is rough.

Anyways, who cares about the fact that I didn't sleep. Or Utah, for that matter. But it was BEAUTIFUL. So beautiful that I'll put a few pictures. :)

This was the ski resort we stayed at. The Deer Valley Montage.

Our view from our hotel room.

Snowy mountains from the airplane.

I just think this is a pretty picture. :)

That is actually me, and the white snow outside.

Alright. So I did promise I would update you on my punishment. He bruised me. And not on purpose I don't think and that ended up making me a little angry at him. We have these new floggers, and he'll admit he has no experience with them, but he tends to swing them in a way where it hits me at the same part on my side EVERY single time. To the point where I'm not even learning a lesson, it ended up making me angry and that's something we'll have to talk about.

I don't know if you can tell since you guys don't know me very well but lately I've been feeling very testy and I have a HUGE attitude. I don't know what it is or where it's coming from. I feel like being bitchy, and I feel like being called a bitch. But I'm afraid of it coming from Master because I love and adore him and I never want him to see me like that, so I'm in a rut.

I'm still trying to figure out my full dynamic with my Sir. If you have ever read the erotic novel "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice you NEED to. The very first chapter is such a fantasy of mine and I kind of want some parts of that in my everyday lifestyle with my Master. I want to be forced to be so polite, and be his slave but feel loved all the same. It's rather confusing, even in this head of mine, but I do dream to be His slave and not feel neglected in anyway.

I haven't had much time to talk to Master since I got home. Sleep really caught up to me. I got home around 3pm, passed out, and didn't wake up until 10am this morning and had to go to school. And now I'm home, and he's on his way back from some temporary job. I'm a bit scared, I'm already feeling bitchy again and I do not want to start off like this. D:

While in Utah I tested buttons for sure. At the time I wanted him to break up with me. I'm an idiot, right? The thing is, my uncle has no respect for my Master. I don't know why it's the case, but my uncle thinks he's a "low-life" loser who isn't going anywhere with His life and I know this is not the case. My uncle has maybe said 8 words to Him, yet he thinks he knows it all.

Anyways, while in Utah we went out to dinner and my aunt and uncle were telling me that I probably won't be with Chris (my Master) any longer. They told me how Lori (my aunt) lived with a guy for 3 years, met George (my uncle) and George soon after took her lovers place and according to them this is what is going to happen to me and Chris. This idea scared me so much. I love Chris more than anything or anyone else and the thought of finding someone else and leaving him, and breaking his heart breaks mine. I could NEVER leave Chris after what we've gone through and so that night in Utah I basically was asking him to leave me so I would never have to hurt him. Now, I know I was being dumb and I should just accept the fact that I'm not my aunt, but it's still a scary thought and the possibility is always there.

I'm doing better now, but I still haven't had a chance to talk to him so as soon as he gets home we're going to have a LONG conversation. I think I have these fears and doubts because after a year of being together we haven't established what we both want in the relationship. We've just been living it, which is fine by me, because I'm happy but I do worry about the future sometimes and I need the stability of Him being a strict Dom, even when I fight it.

I think that's all I have to say for now. I just felt the need to check in. :)

Meow For Me

I'm on day two of the busiest week of my life and already in trouble. I'll get to the trouble part later, and the punishment part (that hopefully won't be that bad, fingers crossed) a few blogs from now.

I am currently attending a community college; which means, with all of the budget cuts and for some reason always having a super late registration date, it is my job to crash enough classes to be a full time student. I'm crazy when it comes to school, I'll admit it. I have a really hard time staying on track of things, I'm super good at procrastinating, but knowing this about myself brings me to take school like I would take an extreme sport. I got ALL out. I try to have at least 19 units, my goal this semester was 25 but by the looks of it I'll be lucky if I get the 19.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "if you're such a procrastinator, than why would you give yourself more classes to procrastinate for?" And the answer is simple. When I'm busy, I actually get my shit done. When there is no room for me to slack off, I won't. So in order for me to do decent in school I need to overwhelm myself so I actually stay on track.

 That's why this first week of school is the busiest for me. It's not difficult, the days are just very, very long. I basically sit through classes from 9am - 10pm. Hearing all of the syllabus's to classes I probably won't even take in hopes of winning the lottery and receiving an add code. So far I'm at 12 units. Eh, not too shabby, I still have 2 days to go. :)

I will post my final schedule once I know it. I do take a lot of "fun" classes because the stress does get to me, and I love the theatre. So dance, music, it's all worth my time.

Now, on to the part where I got in a teensy-weensy bit of trouble.

Master calls me in the library. I don't usually answer calls in the school library but I do for him. :) I was using one of the computers so I couldn't just leave and talk to him. So we're talking, briefly. I tell him I have to go and he tells me to meow before I say goodbye.

Now, I'm sure this is a VERY simple task. But I'm one of the shyest and most easily embarrassed person you'll ever meet. I get so embarrassed that I couldn't even bring myself to meow with people around. And then he starts talking punishment over the phone, and of COURSE that makes me more uncomfortable. So me being the silly kitty I am decided to give a quick: "Byee... I g2g. I love you." and hung up.


Oooops....

The Worst

Am I possibly the worst girlfriend/submissive/slave ever?

Let me tell you our dilemma. Chris, the most handsome, hardworking man in my life, is currently unemployed. We moved about 7 months ago to leave our past behind and after about 5 months of struggling he finally landed a good job at the Disneyland hotel (do not stalk us). He was finally offered this job mid December, right before Christmas time, right before my birthday, right before already made plans.

It was necessary for him to take Christmas off to visit his family up north, he hadn't been home for Christmas in a few years now so I understood why. And he also had to take off for New years, through my birthday (January 2nd) because my uncle rented out a cabin for my 20th up in the snow and we were going to have an amazing trip with our good friends Ariel, and Jeremy. :)

I didn't think too much about this at the time. He JUST got a good job, and now is requesting days off right upon getting hired. He warned me too, when I told him he had to take the New Year off he sweetly said: "kitten, you know it's not going to look good on my part if I take so many days off.." too much PMS-y response of: "BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE THOSE DAYS OFF! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! YOU CAN'T MISS THAT! :(" And sure enough, he took those days off, and was fired.

He tells me it's not my fault, that HE chose to take those days off. But wouldn't you blame yourself? Why did I have to be born right after the holidays. It's not fair sometimes. I still feel guilty about it, no matter how often he tells me that it's not my fault.

Now on to today, and the reason I'm writing this blog. I can't stand him being jobless. It's so sexy to me when he gets up in the morning, takes a shower, puts on his suit, kisses me on the forehead and tells me he loves me and returns home by the time I get back from school. Yes, weekends were lonely and sometimes I wish he didn't have to go, but knowing that he made money to pay off our rent was a really great feeling.

Now I'm stressed out of my mind. Rent is coming up in just 10 days and I have to pay for books and I don't have financial aid yet and I know that I don't have nearly enough to cover and everything is falling apart. So I wake up this morning, and I have a major freak out. For no good reason, just my stress builds up like a volcano and at any given moment I'm ready to explode. Well, GOOD MORNING MASTER!

Rawr. I hate that I'm so mean about it. I know he's trying, he really is, I just think he should have a job by now. :K

A Punishment Story

And now my punishment story as promised..

'Twas the night before banishment and all through the house, Master slept soundly, while kitten was needy to pounce.

Kitten knew better than to let others taste and so made a new page (on fet) with a whole different face.

Kitten got men to want her by being bad to the bone and didn't remember her number one rule; she had already been owned.

Kitten flaunted and teased, acted naughty so men would beat her and when Master found out he was ready to defeat her.

Kitten was sent to her room with a frown on her face. Kitten hoped she would get off easy, but that sure was not the case.

Master showed kitten what it's like to be a pain slut, so remember, be careful what you wish for or you'll end up with a sore butt.

Not entirely sure why I decided to write it in poem, but there you go. Basically Master was snoozing and I was feeling a bit, you know, hungry and so I went back to my old ways of talking to Dom's online to get a fix.

I'm weird, or normal (I haven't figured that out yet). I get so horny thinking about pain and being beat to a pulp. Living in a Master/slave environment turns me on just as much as girls do, but I am too scared to actually live it. It is so much safer virtually and I don't end up with bruises and welts, yet I love having them, I just hate going through it.

That's why I constantly go through those phases where I act like a naughty brat, get online Dom's to "punish me" and all is good again... wrong.

Master is EXTREMELY understanding. Even though he doesn't approve of my needs sometimes, he does support them. The reason I got into so much trouble was because I did it behind his back, and when he asked me what I was doing, instead of coming clean, I said "nothing". Now you see where I'm wrong.

I'm too nervous to talk about this punishment. I'm STILL sore from it and thinking about it makes me flinch. He took me to my limit (on my left cheek a least) and I began to cry and begged him to stop which I rarely do and actually mean it.

I was tied up (or rather tied down), and every implement we own was used on me. This includes two spoons, a flogger, a ruler, the belt and strap. My entire body was whipped, and that was a first for me. It was bad, you can take my word for it.

And now im grounded from fetlife. I miss it. I think I'm addicted to it actually. I so badly crave to go back. :(

Guess Who is Back?

Im banned from fetlife, it sucks. It was the one thing I would do at work that would help pass the time with unbelievable results, now look what I'm resulting to.

I'm going to blog again. I apologize for disappearing for months and I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but I am back whether I have readers or not.

Give me a chance to catch up and reintroduce myself. I'm Zoe to you (not pronounced Zoey), just simply zoe, without the long e sound. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California and I now despise that place. The only good it brought me was a handful of educational experiences and the love of my life: Master Wu.

I am ready to admit that I am the most confusing, indecisive, bratty, spoiled young lady to ever claim she was submissive and my Master has to deal with this. We are still very much in love despite all of our hardships and sorebutts. He is my one; but not only.

Since I last opened up my life to the glorious internet I have discovered things about myself that earlier I was afraid to be fully open about. I have come to the realization that I am lesbian by definition, but thanks to the strangers on fetlife I am staying FAR away from labels. Yes, I prefer woman. They're gorgeous and helpless at times (or at least the women I'm into) and I can't help but long for holding a fellow submissive in my hands and dominate the shit out of her.

OK, I may have gone a little too far on that one. I'm not capable of dominating the shit out of her considering I'm the opposite of sadist; squishing an ant freaks me out. But the bottom line is I crave to hold a trembling girl who just got her ass beat for not being responsible. Have her look up at me and beg me with those huge eyes. She makes it so easy for me to tease her, making her wait for me, making her want me more....

That's enough, I'm getting way too ahead of myself. That fantasy will live forever and I will be with my Master forever and therefore one day it is destined for us to incorporate the two. But for now it is his job to make me wait and make me want him more for it. And besides, we're no where near ready to bring in a third party, there's no need to rush.

Speaking of rushing; my Master and I are still trying to figure out the perfect dynamic for our relationship. For the past year he has been telling me that I have no clue what I want, and I would beg to differ, but I'm starting to think he is right. I'm one confusing bitch (only Master and I am allowed to call me that). I know where my deep fantasies lie, that's not the issue; I'm just a big scardy cat.

In my head I want to be a slave with very strict rules and very harsh punishments. The thought alone makes me want him to tie me against the wall, whip me and fuck me so hard I cry (sorry about being vulgar, if you don't like it, don't read it). But I can't, and for some reason wont, allow myself to enjoy it. Fantasies become kind of scary when played out. For example I fantasize about walking down the sidewalk and a mysterious giant comes around me, blindfolds and gags me and shoves me into his van. Brings me home where I'm amongst other victims, tied up, shaking, and sold as a prostitute; but I would NEVER want that to actually happen.

The only difference with my slave fantasy and my sold into prostitution fantasy is that one of them is possible. I can be His and still be happy. However, I still can't help but fear pain and I still have anxiety when it comes to sex (I'll probably get more into that later).

One day, we'll have the perfect lifestyle, but for now we're still a work in progress.

I am going to start blogging again at least once a week and Master will hold me accountable to this. I am going to blog in the next two days about my recent punishment that got me banned from fetlife and how it's affecting me now.

In the meantime, if anyone is reading, you should go read my earlier posts. And if you have kept up from the beginning, you should STILL go back and read my previous posts, I know that's what I'll be doing.

Until next time,
His kitten

P.S. I'm going to get back into the blogging spirit so if you know of any good M/s or DD blogs link me to them in the comments. And yes, if you have a blog link me to it also so I can start my reading. :)